It's something our advice columnists have heard many times over the years. Every Sunday, we dig into Dear Prudie's archives to share a selection classic letters with our readers. For even more advice columns, join Slate Plus. Your first month costs only $1Dear PrudenceI am a married, 30-year-old college teacher and mother. Recently, I developed a platonic relationship to one of my students. He is 19 years of age and is very intelligent and smart for his age. We communicate through Facebook about many topics that are related to my teaching (philosophy and literature, current events, etc.) and seem to have a lot in common intellectually. It has been very stimulating for my mind to have conversations with him that I don't have with my husband. This relationship makes me feel guilty. It's almost as if I am cheating on my husband. Although I consider myself to be a woman of integrity and morality, I worry that it might turn into something else. Do I have a wrong opinion about this kind of relationship?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementBlaise Pascal's saying: The heart has its own reasons which reason cannot understand is a common humanities quote. This was paraphrased by Woody Allen in order to explain his relationship with Mia Farrows child. Once you are comfortable with the idea that youre in a morally uncertain relationship, professor, it is time to cut it out. You are currently connecting intellectually with the young man. You are already concerned about the possibility of you connecting on more levels, given your emotional vulnerability. I'm not saying that professors and students can't have an intellectual, wonderful relationship outside of the classroom. Without mentors for students from the opposite gender, the world would be much less prosperous. It does not mean that you should think, "This relationship is so much better than my marriage," that your professional standing could be at risk. This is the time to stop chatting on Facebook and get serious about this. Recommend classes to this young man for the next academic year. Remember that your academic journey is not over. Emily YoffeAdvertisementFrom: Help! Help!Dear PrudenceMy boyfriend, whom I love dearly, was diagnosed with cancer several years ago. He is now thankfully well. Although we have discussed the possibility of having children and marriage, it has become a problem. He was unable to have children after his treatments. The problem is that his sperm samples are only viable for a couple of more years. This man is my husband, I love him, and I want to be with him. However, the clock is ticking, so I'd have to try to have children while I am in medical school. There is always the possibility that it might not work. Adoption is not possible for religious reasons. Sperm donation and similar options are also not available. It was terrifying to think that this might be our only chance at having children. I didn't want kids until I graduated from high school. However, I feel guilty about a selfish desire. I always imagined having at least three children. Although I realize it is impossible to have a clear vision of how I want my life, I do know that I would love multiple children. It is very sad that I cannot have this with my boyfriend. Prudence letters have been filled with indignations about couples who were unable to agree on major terms like children. I feel terrible for thinking this through, but should I be considering ending the relationship? I don't want to! However, I don't want to regret it one day. He does not deserve it. I feel so stuck. I want to live my life with him and don't want to see us suffer. Please help!AdvertisementAdvertisementIt is a good idea to have open conversations about children before you get married. It is impossible to promise someone that I will have children.AdvertisementTalking openly with your boyfriend is the best thing you can do. Talk to your boyfriend about the type of family you would like. You can express your frustration that adoption or sperm donor is not an option. Recognize that you may feel you could be a great parent at another time in your life, but you are not able to be right now. Ask him about your worst-case scenario. Is it losing your husband over this? It could be having children right now, feeling like you had no other choice, regretting it later, and resenting your spouse for it. What is his worst-case fear? What are your differences? What are your commonalities? This should be the first conversation, not the last. You may find that you cannot agree on this point. A breakup is inevitable. However, there are many other options you can explore before you give up. There may be more connections than you realize. Danny M. LaveryAdvertisementFrom: Help! I'm not ready for children, but my now-infertile boyfriends frozen sperm will expire soon. (Nov. 7, 2016).Dear PrudenceMy family is religious, if not more conservative than the Duggars. I was raised in a family that believed sex was for marriage and not for reproduction. I'm now thirty and have only had one sexual relationship. It was okay, but not great. A year ago, I met a wonderful guy. He is everything I could wish for in a partner. I told him when we started dating that I was not religious but that a lot of my childhood beliefs still cling to me. We didn't have a relationship sexually until six months after we started dating. It was great and it is still great! He is my best friend, not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. He says that he thinks I would be able to spend the rest of his life with him. What's the problem? He is very sexually experienced. Very. He's done everything. Although he doesn't pressure me into doing things I don't like, I sometimes wish he would. He says that he is faithful and monogamous right now, and I want him to believe me. However, I cannot help but feel that he will eventually become bored with the same woman each night, every day or both. Sometimes, I believe that a lot of what makes me attractive to him is my inexperience and lack of jaded. Do I need to get over it?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementPeople sometimes have a wild past due to their essentially wild nature. This is how they want to live their lives. These people can settle down into happy monogamy and never wonder "What did I miss?". This guy has been to orgies but he waited six month (!). You to have sex. You must be crazy for him. Although you came into this relationship with very little experience, you are sure to learn from him that even two people can be quite wild. He has reassured that he is capable of being happy just being with him. No matter how much they promise, a marriage is not a guarantee that the partner will keep their word. You two are capable of talking things out openly, so you can take him at his word and just enjoy the fact that you have met someone who has opened up your world and wants to create your own. E.Y.AdvertisementFrom: Help! Although I have had very few sexual experiences, my boyfriends had many. Orgies. (Oct. 12,2015)Dear PrudenceMy grandmother, 90 years old, is seriously ill and will soon die. Our relationship has been close since I was her only grandchild and my mother her only daughter. When I was searching for old photos to share with her, I found letters she wrote in her 20s. It was a love letter to a woman with a reply from the woman. Other framed photos of the woman were also kept, with her name on them. Although I knew my grandparents had a difficult and cold marriage, I didn't suspect my grandmother's sexuality could have played a role in it. It is unclear if I should give the photos and letter to her. This might help her recall her happiness with that woman or it could upset her and embarrass. She is very well-dressed. It is too late to ask my mother for her advice. What do you think?AdvertisementIt is not a good idea to ask a 90-year old woman if she wants to speak out when she is near death. Although she was once in love with another woman, she had enough fond memories to keep a few photos and letters. This doesn't mean that this woman was her true love or the reason why her marriage to your grandfather was so difficult. You can try to split the difference. If she is lucid enough to talk to you, tell her that you went through her attic and found many old photos and letters. Ask if she would like to go back through any of them. You can take the letters with you if she is interested. If not, don't make her unhappy by making the matter more complicated. Before you do anything, ask yourself the following question: Would this comfort and bring solace for my grandmother who is dying? Or would it satisfy my curiosity about the private lives of closed-off women? The latter impulse is normal (I'm also nosy), but it shouldn't dictate your actions. D.L.AdvertisementAdvertisementSource: Help! Help!Dear Prudence: MoreA few months back, I met a nice guy at a party of friends. We became friends and began dating. He is smart, funny, and sweet. I can see that he loves me and I am beginning to feel the same. Both of us are well past 40 years old. I googled his name on a whim and found a news story with a photo of him. It described his arrest in 2008 for soliciting a teenage girl via the Internet for sex. The outcome of his case was not mentioned and he isn't listed anywhere on the sex offenders registry. His son is now living with his mother and he is divorcing. I do not have any children. He seems very happy to be with me, even though the physical aspect of our relationship is great. Should I bring it up? Or should it be kept in the past where he seems to want. Should I give him to my friends who have no young children? What can I do to unlearn the wonderful things I learned about him?
