Dear Prudence is Slates' advice column. Ask questions! It's anonymous!Dear PrudenceMy sister-in law is obsessed with having children. This is all she can talk or post about online. She and her husband tried IVF three more times without success, with no help from her parents. Both her parents said they couldn't afford it anymore so they tried unsuccessful crowdfunding.In the past few years, I have been extremely successful and have purchased a new car, a townhouse and some expensive toys. To get to this point, I worked hard like a dog, but I was generous to my family. I sent my sister's family on vacation, and paid for their house to be re-piped. My brother and sister in law look at me now and see dollar signs. They said I needed to pay for their next round IVF. They claimed I owed them because I helped the rest of their family, despite living on our parents for six decades. It is my only chance to make a difference in the world. I don't think there was a single please in the speech. I informed them that I would talk to my accountant about taxes. They are not going to get the money.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementNot the family donorDear Family DonorYou only made a mistake when you said that you needed to speak to your accountant. It is wrong to make people believe that you will do something. I am glad that you decided to not fork out the money. Because I have experienced firsthand the cost of medical assistance to have a child, I sympathize with them. It can cause a deep sense of injustice and despair.Even if they need it most, reasonable people know that you cannot demand money from others. There are many ways to have children. They will become parents if they want to. There are many options, even if they're not committed to having a biological baby. You should consider grants and loans to help you with IVF. They can even get the next round of IVF loans if they are reckless. I wish them success, and if they do, let them know that it is not your job to provide support for their child.AdvertisementIntroducing Big Mood and Little MoodDanny Lavery is now a podcast host on Slate! Subscribe to Big Mood Little Mood to hear Lavery chat with special guests and offer advice. Every Tuesday and Friday, new episodes are released.Dear PrudenceI'm 37 years old with a 19 year-old son. Im honest and open-minded and will give you the truth and not just pat you on the back. My best friend from about 10 years was married a few years back. Her wife and she bought a house and now her wife has twins. Recently, a friend reached out to me to tell me that she has many feelings about becoming a mother. It was perfectly understandable. It's been a difficult year and a quarter. She had never imagined that she would have children, but now she is having two. She has made many sacrifices in order to get where she is today. A lot has changed. These emotions are inevitable. My response was not as I expected. She claimed she was only looking for me to tell them that all moms feel these feelings. Not to be told that her wife had hoodwinked her into this life.AdvertisementAdvertisementContrary to my friend's belief, I actually feel very happy for them and their new home. I replied to her by saying, I am very sorry that what I said hurt your feelings and came across as such. I was trying to understand her feelings and remind her that there are many life changes happening in a very short time. That I will be there for her, that she's important to me, that they are both my favorite people, and that I love them both. Since then, I have not heard anything from her.AdvertisementWhat's next?Dear What's NextYou sound like you did it perfectly. You seem to have done a great job. Send her a text, email, or card that does the following:You should reiterate your regret for hurtful words and your promise to be more careful.AdvertisementIf she does not respond, it is likely that she is really struggling or she is frustrated by you for a larger issue than the one you are addressing. I was struck by your description of yourself, as someone who is honest and direct, but will not give you the pat on the back, which made me wonder if you have a history in being too blunt. I know that I avoid people like this if I feel vulnerable. Talk to yourself about what you think you might owe her.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear PrudenceMy fianc lost his 15-year-old dog about a month ago. He had been suffering from illness for quite some time. He already talks about getting another dog. Problem is, I don't like having a dog for a pet. Now that the pandemic has hopefully ended, I want to be able to travel and do other things I enjoy without having to worry about caring for an animal. My fiancé and I work together at the same company, which offers amazing flexibility and generous vacation days. We have been saving money for this position for over two years. We had discussed the possibility of traveling together for several months and working remotely, but that is impossible if we get a puppy. A wedding and the possibility of buying a home soon after it is over, means that I won't be able to keep a dog for more than a few years. My fianc is a huge dog lover and is very sad that he doesn't own one. It would be rude for me to tell him that I don't want a dog for awhile.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementDoggos are not to be beatenDear DemandingIt's not terrible. It's an entirely fair thing to say. It is a fair thing to say. A dog is a companion that makes traveling, or any other activity that requires you to leave the house, a lot easier. Dog owners are very proud of their dogs and I can understand why someone who loves them so much would feel empty and sad without them. While I don't think he would cancel the wedding, it is something that you should talk about and allow him to reflect on as you begin to plan your lives together.AdvertisementDear PrudenceJust before the pandemic hit, I moved to another city. Except for Cindy, a friend I made through a hobby group, I knew very few people. I saw Cindy often and was close to her. My relationship was over, my family was separated, and I was going through a lot. Most of my new acquaintances were taken into lockdown. I felt extremely lonely. Cindy started talking about how she would create a bubble, eat lunch, and go for a walk. She never did. She would bring up the possibility of us seeing each other and she would almost get to the point of setting a date, then completely drop it. It went on for months and I felt like she was pulling the rug out from under my feet. I eventually gave non-committal answers and she switched to post-vaccine plans.AdvertisementAdvertisementWe haven't been together in weeks. Despite her claims that she would love to, even though we were both vaccinated. While I understand that the pandemic has made everyone feel a bit shakey socially, she's also had her own issues (some professional turmoil, and a spouse whose mental state was also affected by lockdown). She has also made it a point to text me and call me during COVID, which was an important lifeline in the worst of times. She mentioned that she has seen other people, but I miss her. I was prompted to repeat the offer. Is it starting to feel cruel to offer without actually following through?She said this week that she would love to take a picnic someday soon. I was on the phone with her and felt like shouting "You don't mean that!" so this is not sustainable. What can I do to talk with her about this? She's been a great friend in other ways.AdvertisementAre We Friends?Dear FriendsI feel that her flakiness may not be personal. It sounds like she has a lot of work to do and that her spouse is suffering from mental health problems during a pandemic. These are the people she is most likely to meet up with. It would be perfect if she could have made it clear that she couldn't commit. However, that is a difficult conversation to have. It's much easier to keep pushing the we should hang out can along the road, especially if youre feeling overwhelmed emotionally.AdvertisementAdvertisementAre you willing to spend time with her on the phone or via text? If you feel this way, then it is best to let it go and accept that you won't be hanging out with her unless she does something. You can either wait for her to make plans or reach out to offer your plan. For example, I've always wanted to go to brunch at [restaurant] next Sunday at noon. You can either start to look for other hobby-group meetings or ways to rekindle relationships with pre-pandemic acquaintances.This week's Prudie is available for you to catch up.More advice from Pay DirtMy younger sister was recently thrown in the street by her boyfriend after he failed to pay rent. She has three options: move home, move in with her sister and her children to suburban hell, or stay with us. I offered to let her sleep on an air mattress for six months. She refused because she wants her own space. My sister, who is notoriously difficult to get up at the morning, starts work at 5 a.m. She claims I owe my sister because I am her family.
