Dear Prudence is Slates' advice column. Ask questions.Dear PrudenceAlthough my cousin and mine aren't close, our parents are. Eight years ago, she had a stillbirth and named her baby after her mom. I'm having a girl, and naming it after my late grandmother and mom. There is some overlap with Juliana and Lianna, my cousin's baby name.I didn't realize she had my phone number until she called. She began to rant at me about being selfish and taking her baby's name. She also claimed that I had a grudge against me in my youth. I explained to her that she was acting out of control and needed professional help.AdvertisementI wasn't aware that she was in therapy and was mentally unstable. My uncle was able to get involved after my conversation. However, my cousin posted enough suicide-inducing social media posts. My cousin's family decided to support me and make me feel guilty. What can we do about the fallout?AdvertisementAdvertisementBaffled Baby NamesDear BaffledDon't call people crazy or act like getting professional help is punishment for being unreasonable. You know that you are not the problem with your cousin's problems and so the rest of the family should know. You shouldn't have any conversations about it beyond I apologize I snapped at her.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear PrudenceMy best friend is now back with her, having been together for a little more than two years. He manipulates and gaslights, and they don't have any common life values or priorities. He once said to her, "You only think that you want it because you've been talking too much to your friends like me." I thought that the last breakup would be the one that sticks. I worry that if I tell her how miserable he made me, she will be angry at me. I've spent many nights comforting her, while she sobs about how a love relationship shouldn't feel like this. She also dreads the day when she feels like this. I have also received a two-page letter from her outlining all the things she would remind herself of in case she ever felt tempted to call him back. I'm also concerned about losing her if I end this relationship. He is aware that I don't think he's right for her and I find him difficult to talk to. Are you my best friend gone?AdvertisementAdvertisementAre You Ready to Say Goodbye?Dear GoneShe's not dead. It's up to you to outlast him. It won't be easy. This phase of your friendship might prove to be very frustrating.My belief is that it's a waste to try and talk a friend out a bad relationship. Even if you are right. Even if all of your evidence is gathered. Even if the evidence includes a friend's letter, it doesn't mean that the relationship is worthless. Even dysfunctional love, even love, often seems stronger than friendship and doesn't respond to reason.AdvertisementIt is also based upon another belief: that people are on their own path and must go through what they need to. We would love to see our friends get out of pain and suffering as quickly as possible. But that is not always the case. I don't believe that being manipulated or gaslit is necessary for character building. I encourage you to be open to the possibility that this relationship can teach her something. She will move once she feels that she is worthy of better. Understanding intellectually or hearing it is different from feeling. It might take time to get there.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou can certainly help this process. The best thing to do is to not remind her about all the bad things the guy has done. It is to remind her she is worthy and capable, not insane, and that she deserves respect and the ability to be happy. This can be done by being a friend who affirms and shows her respect and how to interact with people who care about her.When she mentions that he has lied to her and hurt her feelings, you should not say Hes so jerk! He's been a jerk since childhood. This is what he does every time! Let's do something. Let us try to salvage a portion of Sunday. Let's lift our spirits and focus on her. You shouldn't even mention his name. If this is overwhelming for you, or if it frustrates you to watch her suffer from pain and suffering, then that's perfectly normal. It's possible she is your best friend and you care about them, so it might be worth it.AdvertisementPrudie Advice: How do I get it?You can submit anonymous questions here. Questions may be edited to publish. You can join the live chat every Monday at noon and submit your comments here. Or, call the Dear Prudence podcast voicemail number at 401-371-333327 to have your question answered in a future episode.Dear PrudenceOur first child was an accident and wasn't planned. My husband said that he always wanted two children. With work, travel, and constant moving, it was hard for me to have another child so soon after the first. I wanted to wait at most two years. It was two years before it turned into three and then four.After trying to have another baby for five years, our doctor referred us to a specialist. We had tried unsuccessfully for one year. Two years of IVF attempts and multiple IVF cycles later, COVID was finally here. I could not take the hormone changes and constant injections, and my eggs were no longer good. It was almost over. I realized that I was content with one child and could not imagine going through the entire baby phase without feeling lost.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMy husband looks at me with disgust and disappointment every time I mention friends having children or that our son has siblings. I am the one who waited too long, the one who couldn't get pregnant naturally, and the one that cost $40,000 in injections. Yes, I feel guilty about waiting, even though I didn't know my body would betray us like that. But I am trying to make peace with this decision. He can't stand me when anything (anything) sibling-related happens. What will stop this?Unfortunately, One and DoneSorry,Your husband is absolutely right not to try to have a child if he doesn't want one. Your husband is right to be disappointed. This is especially true since you had agreed on a plan but you changed it unilaterally without any discussion. This is a very serious issue and your husband is likely to be resentful for many reasons, including the fact that he was unable or unwilling to have children naturally. This is a difficult issue to discuss. I recommend that you find a good couple therapist to help you both sort out your feelings and determine if you can be together. Without bitterness or guilt.AdvertisementIntroducing Big Mood and Little MoodDanny Lavery is now a podcast host on Slate! Subscribe to Big Mood Little Mood to hear Lavery chat with special guests and offer advice. Every Tuesday and Friday, new episodes are released.Dear PrudenceMy name is Karen. My name is Karen. While it was humorous when it was the Id love to speak to you manager joke, now it is associated with racism or bigotry. Although I try to avoid the meme version my name, it still causes me anxiety about how other people will perceive me. I always ask my companions to use their names when I go out for coffee or to eat. I am constantly shocked to see people remove my name from social media. Although I don't want to change my name, it is something that I actually like! However, this attention makes me very self-conscious. Because of the meme, I feel like I don't have the courage to share my feelings. Although I realize there are more important issues than this, it isn't a major issue. I have been struggling to overcome this feeling. Is there anything you can offer to help me get past this? To stop worrying about others' opinions and learn to love my name again.AdvertisementAdvertisementWhat's in a Name?Dear What's in a Name?Take a three month social media vacation and consider how significant this is. Karen is a substitute for the entitled, busybody, and police-calling white woman. Most people you meet in your day don't think about negative associations. Even if they do, what's your fear? The person who makes your coffee might be imagining that you did something terrible as a baby, which led to your parents choosing this name. I am confident that people understand how names work, and that they don't say anything about the people to whom they are assigned.AdvertisementThe meme will end, in any case. You can make it your mission to be decent and not call the manager on everyone.Dear PrudenceTom and I first met through mutual friends a few months back. After a while we became very close and I began to feel for him. He confessed that he felt for me over the weekend but I feel his feelings are deeper than mine. He also asked me to relocate to his hometown if he returns. I am seriously considering it. I've wanted to move for some time but was unable to due the pandemic. Although his hometown is much larger than mine, it was on my list. It's a problem because I have never been there, and only a handful of people who are familiar with it. I'm also worried about how emotionally invested he might be in this. Are you crazy to think about moving halfway across the country. He says he will be leaving in a month. I was worried that I would be jumping in too quickly. Is this going to explode in my face? I've never moved for anyone so this is a bit out of my comfort zone. Any advice?AdvertisementAdvertisementStaying or goingDear Staying or Moving,You're not crazy. But you have to be honest with yourself. If I were to tell you that you had just met this guy, but that you felt passionate and confident about the move, then I would say go for it. However, that voice in your head that says Im worried and Will it explode in my face? is actually your intuition and telling you that this is not a good idea. You can move if you want it to.Dear PrudenceJake, my coworker, and I have been friends (not actually best friends) for many years. Jake is quite gossipy so I keep Jake away from me. I look for the good in everyone. My private life is very private.AdvertisementA black tie fundraiser was held recently. My date was the subject of much attention. Many were talking about her and how beautiful she was, not to me but behind my back. Jake came into my office and began asking me personal questions such as: Is she my lady or are we just good friends? I gave him a disapproving glance and he replied with an Oh, that's personal? He continued to tell me how shocked everyone was. He said that someone had told him they believed I was gay and that he had defended me. I'm not the only one having a problem with him. Are you overreacting or is he just not being honest?AdvertisementAdvertisementGrudge HolderDear Grudge Holder:You are not being overreactive. You shouldn't completely cut off your coworker, as it could lead to workplace drama. However, you should cut off his communication with anyone who isn't necessary for the job. Conversations with coworkers should be a privilege and not a right.AdvertisementDear PrudenceHow can I convince my brother's wife that I am better for her? My brother was a cheater and is currently in prison. I have fallen in love with her.I can't get her out of my mindDear Can't Get Her out of My Mind,I'll answer the question that you should have asked me. It isn't How can I convince my brother wife Im better for him? But Should I steal my brothers wife who has not given any indication that she is interested in me, even though she might be over him?Classic PrudieI asked an elegant, familiar-looking woman at the gym if she was Maria. She was an old acquaintance that I hadn't seen in years. The person I asked was Hispanic and I am a white woman. Vangie is my name, she replied. All of us look the same. Do I have to let it go?
