How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Do you have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,My marriage has been open for six years. We are free to have any outside relationships that we wish, as long as each of us are honest about our actions. It was wild, wonderful, and completely free. Then one of my wives lovers betrayed me 18 months ago. I was suspicious when he suggested she have sex in a group with his friends, men she hadn't met. She ignored my warnings, and one night, one of her lover friends lured her to a group session. It turned into a gang rape with men who didn't know or care much about her. She sustained serious injuries, which took several weeks to heal. She also got some STDs. The rape victim's asshole boyfriend (who did not participate in the rape) picked her from her friends house, but she was clearly distressed, and just dropped her off at our house.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMy beloved was suffering alone while I was away on a job. Because she was too traumatized, she refused to call me or anyone else. Not even an ambulance. Even with the encouragement of hospital staff, she refused the report to the police. The pandemic struck while she was still in recovery. My job was lost and hers had been resigned after the rape. We were home all the time together with no other people. This was actually a blessing. Although it was difficult financially, we managed to survive on our savings and unemployment.Although it took her a while to feel emotionally ready to get back in touch, it was worth it. I was more happy that we had rekindled our love-making. She is the reason I treasure her and it's hard to imagine me ever wanting anyone else. In April, I found a new job and she indicated that she is ready to look again. However, I would be more than happy to take care of her if she chooses to stay at home. This was the best time to let her know how I feel about her relationship and suggest that we become monogamous. It was a surprise to me that she didn't feel the same. She is looking forward to going back out. This has been the subject of constant argument. In all the years that we have been together, we have almost never had to disagree about anything. She believes I want to keep her safe from other men, and it is not my responsibility to protect her. However, I believe it is my responsibility to protect her. She also believes that I am blaming her for the events, which is completely false. I blame the men who raped my daughter, and especially her ex-lover, whom I would kill if possible. But she is not to blame. And I don't want anyone else. Although I could be monogamous, I don't think I would agree to her having any other men. It is a strange thought that she could even tolerate it. Because he claimed he didn't know what her friend was planning to do, she hasn't ruled out a second chance at hooking up with him. This is a terrible thing. What can I do?AdvertisementAdvertisementShut and OpenDear ShutYour wife may feel as strongly about her nonmonogamy, as you indicate. It is not surprising that she doesn't want to be changed by circumstance, even if it is as horrific and traumatizing as the one she has experienced. Her ability to distinguish her sexuality and that which was forced on her could indicate healthy healing. She could be trying to hide her problems by engaging in more sex, but I don't know. Although her ongoing therapy suggests that she is more in healing mode then avoidance, I am not privy too those sessions so I cannot be certain. It does give me pause to think that she wouldn't cut off contact with her ex-lovee, but I don't know all the details. It might be helpful to ask her her therapist what she thinks about the possibility of her returning to active sex. If she is supportive, then that's two of three people who would be okay with it.AdvertisementThis leaves you. What can you do to address your trauma from your wife's rape? It is obvious that you are showing signs. You were able to recognize the importance of your relationship and restructure it. I hope you are also considering therapy. Sex tends to be vulnerable. If you enter the home of someone new or unfamiliar, you are assuming they don't have any weapons in their bedroom or hidden cameras. Some people are able to exploit others. This was true even before open marriages were established six years ago. Unfortunately, it will continue to be so. The possibility of abuse exists as long as people feel comfortable exercising power over one another, especially in intimate situations. Perhaps your wife has always known this. You shouldn't feel guilty if you have had to change your goals and philosophy, but don't blame your wife for being able to keep her head up.AdvertisementAdvertisementSubscribe to the How to Do It Newsletter to receive Sex Advice from Rich and Stoya along with exclusive follow-up letters, delivered weekly. Signing you up was not possible due to an error Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear How to Do it,I am a 25-year-old female who has been with my boyfriend (30 year-old male) for nine years. We have never had sex. He has never offered me any sex. He has never even attempted to have sex with me. There are many other things we do together. He goes down on me, and I finger him. We use a double-ended dildo. To get hard and cum, he needs anal stimulation. I'm totally fine with that. I'm happy to provide it. It has been bothering me lately that we haven't had traditional sex. He has not had P-inV sex with many people, and none in the past couple of years. Our relationship is becoming more serious and it makes me feel insecure about not being with him. I am a very sexual person who enjoys being purged. Recently, while we were in the middle foreplay, I have felt a desperate need for him to fuck my. It has been brought up a few times. He's been open to the idea of Viagra, and I have brought it up. However, he has never taken the initiative to obtain a prescription. He could wear a plug to get the anal stimulation. We have discussed this with him. Although I keep the topic up, Im careful not to bring it up too often as Im afraid of making him feel insecure and making the problem worse. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.AdvertisementAdvertisementIt's urgentDear DesperateAlthough a cock ring can be another non-prescription option, I don't think it is necessary. It is just another thing your boyfriend might be open to, but is not really trying to. These possible solutions are likely to be put off by your boyfriend for a reason. Let's assume it is simply disinterest. You might have met a man who is not interested in the act of sexual attraction. If that is the case, you should be able to accept it and find other ways to have fun. But, hey! That's what you already did. You are ahead of the curve practically. It is your thinking that hasn't caught up. It would be absurd to judge someone else's tastes. Either you are down or you are not. You can't sit around wondering why you haven't converted him to penis in-vagina sex. This is like imposing your own sexual hierarchy on him. This makes the situation all about you and not about the shared ground of pleasure you have found.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementTalking to a therapist with or without you is an option if he's not happy about his PIV allergy. If he is content with the pleasure he receives, then your efforts are equivalent to sucking blood from a flaccid dick. It might be the geyser you are chasing, but it won't be what you want. You may want PIV sex if it is something you love, but you are not getting it with him. It's perfectly fair to look for a relationship that will offer it. You will have to accept reality if this is more of a principle.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,My greatest fantasy is to have a mutual masturbation relationship with someone else, whether they are in person or online. They are not creepy flashers, but they are mutually interested in it too. I'm pretty fit and healthy so I assume someone would be interested. My partner and me are currently negotiating the terms under which I am comfortable with me doing so; I'm fine not to follow through unless she is 100 percent happy. How would we make this work? I assume there are websites that offer this type of service. But which ones are safe/safety-ish? I am a male, and don't care too much about the other side of it. I will probably be interested in both men and women.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou can watch me on the internetDear WatchSafe/safe-ish refers to what apps will ensure that you leave a hookup with all your body parts intact. I have no clue! People castrate apps and websites, not websites. It is possible to be dangerous in any situation where you spend private time with strangers. It is difficult to predict when such danger will arise, and it rarely occurs.There are many options if you're willing to take the risk. BateWorld may be the right place for you if you are looking for solo partners. A masturbation club or two might be a good place to start. In most American cities, there are both all-male and co-ed versions. This one is in Florida and has a web-1.0 site design. Although I cannot speak for these individuals, I have heard good things about NY Jacks in New York City. Sex parties of all types can sometimes break local ordinances (New York's sanitary code for example). However, raids are not common due to the way these parties are held. FetLife or swingers groups might be worth a look for female partners. If you are not asked, good luck!AdvertisementAdvertisementDear How to Do it,I need your help. I've been married for 11 years. My husband and I have terrible sex. My husband and I were both very inexperienced when our marriage was completed. It hasn't. It is terrible to have vaginal sex. My husband is longer than me, so he often ends up painfully slashing my cervix. My husband is more comfortable with the position where I can control the depth and pace, but he gets frustrated and grabs and twists to get more penetration. Manual stimulation is terrible. It's too painful and aggressive for me. My husband does not get any benefit from it.My husband is not interested in physical intimacy, or kissing. When we do try, I often end up being grabbed or twisted in uncomfortable ways, so neither one of us likes it. Anal sex can be very painful. Oral sex can be done. This might sound silly, but my lips are tired long before my husband has orgasms. So it doesn't work as a standalone activity. My husband doesn't like performing oral on me. I don't like the idea that we could have sex without a committed relationship. My husband doesn't like the idea either. I have tried to stop masturbating for many months. I have never experienced difficulty in achieving orgasm by myself. I have taken estradiol orally and topically. Although I don't consider myself a lesbian, the idea of having sex in public with men appeals to me, even though it is not reality. Given my general dislike of having sex with strangers, I may be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. However, being asexual wouldn't make me happier or more content with my sex life.AdvertisementAdvertisementRecently, I turned 40 and feel overwhelmed by the possibility that I will never have a satisfying sexual experience with my partner. It is difficult for me to choose between accepting it and trying to make it better. My husband claims that he would do anything to make me enjoy sex as much and as much as he does. But I'm out of ideas. Your suggestions for how I can make my sex life more pleasant and less painful? How can I brainwash my mind to believe your ideas will work, so that my expectation for horrible sex does not become a self-fulfilling prophecy.Penis-stampledDear StabbedI am not in the business or accessory of brainwashing so I cannot help you. It is possible to have a fun sexual experience with a partner. But it may not be with this partner. Because your husband isn't doing it, I don't believe he would give anything to make you enjoy sex. If sex is painful, a loving partner will make changes to make it more enjoyable. Although he doesn't have to do oral or any other type of sexual activity, his refusal to accept it makes it difficult to believe his claim. He doesn't listen to you. I don't know how much you have told him. But even if you say nothing, it doesn't mean he isnt listening to you. You can tell him to stop being so aggressive and painful with manual stimulation and then walk him through the things that would make him feel better.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementThe fact that he doesn't get anything out of something done to make him feel good is enough to say it all. To improve your situation, you need to learn a lesson from others. That necessity freaks me. He is too old to do that. I don't know his age, but anyone who has been married for 11 years and causes pain in their partner during sex is probably too old. A 18-year old is not allowed to do that. This is more than just a sex issue. It's a basic empathy thing. If you find it difficult to help him, counseling may be an option. You might consider ending your relationship and beginning anew.AdvertisementThe Ohnut is a ring that can regulate his depth of penetration. It's practical and practical, so it might be something you consider starting with. You won't be able to make him a lover by just giving him a ring.Learn MoreI am a married woman living in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. My husband is my best friend, but our sex lives have been difficult over the five years of our relationship. My husband's constant masturbation at home while I am at work (we have different work schedules) has been the main issue. He claims that he doesn't want to sex with me at home. He has promised to change, which led to some positive moments. But, he is back at the same problem a few weeks later. I feel like he is constantly trying to hide something from me. He has also lied about how much time he spends masturbating (and porn watching).He was lying to me again a few days back. I said that we were going to see a counselor on marriage or that I was leaving. He accepted counseling. He decided to tell me the truth later that night.
