Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy brother-in law seems unhappy professionally. He can see the bad in any situation, no matter what happens. He was a grumpy old man who spent the entire time complaining about the internet, the snakes and his boredom on a family vacation to a lake house. He seems to think it is his job to be dissatisfied, regardless of the circumstance. I can tell he gets on my nerves, and I'm not sure how much this bothers me. Although I do my best to be positive and friendly because I really want to like him (my sibling loves him), his negative behavior and attitude make it hard to overcome.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMy sister and he have three children: a teenage girl and two boys and a girl in very young elementary school. During the trip, he said that his older daughter and son are amazing children and practically perfect. However, he found his youngest daughter irritating and loud. It is difficult parenting, I understand that. This seemed more. Although she is still a young child, she is still developing her personality. She is also a wonderful kid. However, she is desperate for equal attention. Sometimes, she tries to get it by crying and being dramatic, which is what small children do. Although I cannot tell if his perception of her father is based solely on my impressions, it seems like he is impatient with her and has a short attention span. His attitude towards her is something I worry about.AdvertisementI have a question: What is my role? Do I need to confront him? It's okay to mention it to my sister. Be an auntie who is affectionate, even though we don't live in the same area. Keep an eye out for signs that he is maturing and will change. I want the best for my sister, and all her children.AdvertisementConcerned AuntieDear Auntie Concerned,Your feelings about your brother in law will impact how you view his words and behavior. There is no denying that. Regardless of your biases, I find his behavior to be objectively wrong. While it is true that parents can sometimes be impatient, your BIL shouldn't talk about your daughter in such a negative way.AdvertisementYou can observe the world from afar and be a good aunt. And you can hope for the best. When I see men being cruel, am I just a little bit of a nosy snoop? If you're close enough, I'd probably say something to your sister. However, this doesn't mean you have the right to tell her what she should do or to demand a lot of information about her family and marriage. It is possible to say you just noticed her husband's comments about the lake and felt a little worried about the dynamic.Your sister may already know how your brother speaks to and about her daughter, which is a sad fact. She might not agree that it is a problem. She could feel unable to change her husband's behavior or challenge him. You could think that they have discussed the issue before and he either closed his eyes or offered to help. It is possible that she won't be open to talking about it with you or anyone else. However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't express your concern and be open to listening. She will know that you are available to help her if she needs it. You can support and affirm her parenting skills and be available to her and her children as much as you can.AdvertisementAdvertisementKeep giving us the advice you want every week. Register for Slate Plus today.Dear Care and FeedingA very dear friend of mine has been my friend since I was a baby. She is one of my closest friends and the most kind, sweetest person I know. Her husband and she own their own business. COVID was a hard blow to them. Recently, they received notice from their landlord that the property they had been renting was being sold. Now they are unable to find a place to rent. They can't afford to buy anything in the city. Their credit scores are also very low due to COVID.COVID may be partially to blame for their current problems, but they have not been very responsible with money. This is partly due to medical issues and mostly because of poor financial management. My friend has asked me for financial advice and budgeting help many times. She rarely asks for money. My advice is never taken seriously by her, and she always blames someone else for her current situation (e.g., the landlord kicked them out, but didn't apply the bill correctly, they sent in a check and it never arrived). She is now focusing on her financial and housing problems. Is there any way to help her? I don't want to break our friendship but I am tired of hearing about all the other people who did wrong and have no place to live. I don't have enough space for my family or theirs, but I would gladly let them stay with us. I am deeply sorry for her situation and want to do my best to help her.AdvertisementAdvertisementUtah is unfortunately unhelpfulSorry,Although it sounds like your friend might be more open to practical help if you were in a position, other than that, you've probably done everything you can. Most of us just listen and be there for our friends, even if we are unable to change their circumstances in any meaningful way.I'm happy to be able to say that you have never been forced to find housing in a hurry. It's not surprising that this is all your friend can focus on right now. Although her and her husband made bad choices, it is not surprising that so many systems are working against those who are in financial trouble. It is neither shocking nor a failure to see that they have not been able to get up from the ground during a crisis. It can be difficult to hear about the problems of others on an endless loop. If you don't want to give advice that will be ignored next time, you can deflect and tell her you aren't comfortable giving that kind of guidance. There is a reason why we don't say things like I am sorry for your pain, but you will get that if you never listen to my suggestions. Or Can we talk about something else? It's not what friends do.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementYour friend might need more help than you, or any of your other friends. It is difficult to feel helpless for someone you love. She probably needs a listening ear and someone to vent her worries and fears without fear of judgement. You can do that for her.Check out our Care and Feeding column.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy best friend since age 11 and my BFF now at almost 40. She is married for 11 years, and has a daughter of 3 years. There's a second child in the works. I am single, and I have never wanted children, but I do like hers in small amounts and treasure my role as aunt. She is slim and has maintained that shape throughout her entire life. Although her husband is a little heavier, he is very muscular and keeps fit.AdvertisementBFF is displaying unhealthy eating habits and food choices for her daughter, which I find alarming. Since she was 30, she has been a religious calorie-counter. She shows her daughter how she logs every meal into her app. The 3-year-old knows everything about calories, nutrition, vitamins, and carbohydrates. She is a smart child and knows a lot about animals, the sun, money, and banking. This is not a healthy focus. BFF and her husband don't allow junk food, such as chips, candy, soda, or candy, in their home. These items are only permitted to be eaten as a treat and the daughter will refuse them if offered to her if she hasn't had one in a while. Although she knows it is not polite to point out that someone (like me!) is overweight or eating unhealthy food, I can tell that her attention is paid.AdvertisementAdvertisementI attempted to have a conversation about this with my best friend. She said that her husband has this tendency and she is concerned about their children's weight gain. She said that her desire to get them on the road of healthiness, i.e., thinness, early is partly because she has seen how difficult it was for me to be my size throughout my life.I began to tear up at this point and decided to end the conversation. From third grade, when it became a problem, to high school, I was bullied over my weight. True, I was hypersensitive to my weight throughout my 20s and 30s. It has been true that I have only recently come to terms with it. It is true that I have had to learn to not care about clothes because no one my size looks good on me and nothing cute fits me. True, I have never dated because only fat men have expressed an interest in me. I'm not attracted to men who are overweight, and I have never been able imagine that any man I like could be into me. It makes me feel awful to think that my experiences have influenced my friend to raise her children in a shameful and destructive way. What responsibility do I have to both correct my past mistakes and make sure that the children receive a better message in the future. How can we continue to communicate with our BFFs about these issues, without breaking down?AdvertisementAdvertisementFat-Positive AuntieDear Auntie:I am sorry your best friend said something so hurtful. Whatever her body issues may be, it was unkind of her try to place them at your feet. Answer to your question about how you raise her children: Absolutely none. Your friend and her husband made their own decisions. They can't encourage or model unhealthy pressure on their body or body-shaming. This is a huge regret. It's not your responsibility to fix or mitigate their behavior or ensure their children grow up accepting of their bodies. It is understandable that you care and that it is a positive thing about you. However, that doesn't mean that you should take on that responsibility.AdvertisementI don't think you shouldn't talk to your best friend about these matters. Maybe with the goal of giving her more perspective or changing her mind. You have tried to talk to her before and she said some really awful things. You might find it difficult to change her mind on your own. Your friend, like many of us, has been carrying baggage since childhood and has formed her own body image beliefs. I am concerned that trying to change her weight message for her children's benefit might just expose you to more hurtful comments by her or her husband.AdvertisementAdvertisementThere is also the issue of how to deal with what she said about you. You are the only person who can decide if you want to discuss it with her. If you do, it might be painful and you may decide not to share this information with her. You might also want to talk it out with her and make sure you are able to express your feelings. It is a big issue to have unresolved. Although it is unlikely, it's possible that she will be more honest with herself and her children.AdvertisementYou can model a different approach to food and body acceptance if you are still in the friendship of your friend and her children. You are not responsible for the behavior of your friend or her decisions as a parent.AdvertisementAdvertisementDear Care and FeedingMy best friend, who was only in her 20s, died suddenly. It was devastating for us both as we had grown up together. Since that time, I have known that I would name my child after my friend if I ever had one. My husband and I finally became parents 15 years ago, and I still strongly believe in this name. My friend, who was mixed Guyanese and had a traditional Guyanese surname, is a rare thing in this area of North America. My baby will be one quarter Asian and three quarters White. A few of our relatives were offended when we shared the baby's name and announced the pregnancy. They said it was cultural appropriation and that it wasn't appropriate to give the baby a name that was from a culture she doesnt belong to.AdvertisementThis is something I can understand because I see a lot of cultural appropriation. Perhaps it's just hormones, but the thought of not being allowed to name my baby this name almost brings up the grief. My husband supports the name and the intention behind it. However, he suggested that the middle name be used so that our daughter doesn't have to live with the stigma of cultural appropriation. This isn't the right way to honor my best friend. It's like giving your child your great aunts name as your middle name, even though you hate that name. It breaks my heart that the middle name is being used instead of the name. My best friend would love to have a baby named after him, and she would be the most excited to be an auntie to our child. My daughter shouldn't have to justify her name all her life. However, I believe cross-cultural names will become more common by the time she is older so it won't seem out of place. What do you think?AdvertisementWhat's in a Name?Dear W.N.This is not as straightforward as cultural appropriation. You would give your child the name to honor a friend, and not to fetishize, mock, or use another culture. If you're asking me what I would do personally, I would not give the name to a non-Guyanese kid.Keep in mind that no matter what your intentions may be, others will react to your choices. They may consider your choice to be inappropriate. It is your child's responsibility to answer questions, explain their names, and defend your parental decision. Although I think your middle name is great, it's not something I would like. I might be biased because my middle name is Korean, which has a lot of meaning to me as a Korean. It is not fair to give your child your friend's name as a middle-name. You love the name, but it isn't true. It is very important to you. It is a great way to honor a friend.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementMany of us have probably had to explain our names to others as children. You will have to accept that it might be considered strange or inappropriate by some people. It is a lot to ask your child a million questions about a name they don't know. The final decision rests with you and your husband.NicoleSlate has more adviceMy 9-year-old daughter is incredibly smart and creative. Cooking is one of her favourite creative outlets. She has become somewhat brainwashed by cooking programs, which make it seem like everything is done from scratch. She now believes that cooking is all about combining ingredients to create delicious dishes. I explained to her that celebrity chefs create and follow carefully-measured recipes. I'm happy to show her how to cook, so that she can eventually make her own recipes. However, she wastes a lot of food and creates inedible dishes solely based on her creative ideas. What can I do?
