How to Do It is Slates' sex advice column. Do you have a question? You can send it to Stoya or Rich here. It's anonymous!Dear How to Do it,I am a bisexual woman who has been in a loving monogamous marriage for nearly two years with my girlfriend. I feel emotionally supported by our relationship and have never felt happier in a partnership. One thing is certain: Our sex has been a mess. In our early days, it was hot and heavy and bangin. It was amazing. Recently, I feel less fulfilled. We have talked about how my partner is less sexually dependent than I am. She says she is more interested bonding emotionally and through cuddling. She is often too tired and stressed out from work, so she doesn't have the energy. I explained to her that sex was high up on my list of desires and that I wanted her to take it seriously. Although she agreed to try, nothing has changed. I've been acting out passively and mentioned that I might be open to a relationship for the sex. This made her feel sad and guilt. I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I don't feel like she is putting too much effort into our sessions, even though we are trying to get steamy again. It's also depressing and horrible to have to do sex work. It's almost like homework is something we both hate to do, with me fearing rejection and her disappointment. My boiling point was when she turned her nose up at me and then said she was thinking about a problem with her work. I've had many arguments with her, including crying and feeling hurt. She says she cannot change overnight, and I have to be patient with her. Although I am sure we are in love and our relationship is strong, I still want good sex. What are your thoughts?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementThe hopeless and the hornyDear Hopeless and Horny,The use of the word claims raises the question of whether or not you believe your girlfriend when it comes to sharing her intimate desires and boundaries with us. I don't see any reason to continue if you don't. You might think twice about why you chose that word when you describe your feelings to her in this letter.Your girlfriend should be more sexually inclined than you are. Rich, my co-columnist always recommends deferring to the sensitive partner in open-coupled couples. I believe the same applies to sexual appetite. You may not be able to do what is best for her. You must meet in the middle if you want to make it work.AdvertisementWhat's your solo sex life like? Do you feel guilty about your self-care? A new stimulation device could be enough to make you happy. Let's be clear, you should take care of your self and not demand that your girlfriend have sex. You have to decide if what your girlfriend offers you is sufficient for you. If it's not, you can move on.Subscribe to the How to Do It Newsletter to receive Sex Advice from Rich and Stoya along with exclusive follow-up letters, delivered weekly. Signing you up was not possible due to an error Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear How to Do it,Before marriage, my wife and I were swingers. After marriage, she no longer wants to continue that lifestyle. Because I was part of this lifestyle before I met her, I am still interested in it. Not just the physical sex is what is important, but also the amazing people and places we visited that have enriched our lives. My wife, our family and the business we built together are all important to me. I informed her that I was still interested in living the same lifestyle as before, but she insists that it is not possible. I feel trapped between my wife, our lives together, and the lifestyle that I want. If I give up the lifestyle, it feels like I'm not being true to me. How can I be at peace with myself?AdvertisementSwungDear SwungAlthough I tend to seek out the third way, in your case, I'm not seeing it. There are two options: you can choose to return to your old lifestyle or your wife's boundaries. Modern times have made sexual practice or its absence a major part of our identities. The United States was very interested in identity labels. The lists of words that define who we are support our notions of self. While it is easy to think of who we are as static, the truth is that we change, grow, and develop throughout our lives. You were a swinger. You have the power to choose whether or not you want to be one.AdvertisementAdvertisementYou mentioned meeting amazing people and visiting enriching places, both of which can be achieved through non-sexual interactions. It is possible that you gained interpersonal skills while swinging. These skills are still yours. They can be used to communicate with, get intimate with, or just be friends with people, without touching their genitals. You and your wife can also travel to exotic locations for other reasons than sex.Sometimes, not having something makes it more appealing in our minds. You might try to remember those times when sex was off-putting, or uncomfortable situations. Remove the nostalgia. You might also benefit from a set of lists. What are you most passionate about swinging? What are you most proud of in your monogamous relationship? What can you experience in your current relationship? The final decision is up to you.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,I'm almost 28 years old and have only experienced sex once in my entire life. The first was with a man who was going down on me and the second was with me. I had a terrible experience with neither. OCD is a condition that makes sex extremely overwhelming and anxious. My sex drive can be satisfied through masturbation, but it is generally low enough. Although I have been able to tell my mental health problems to people I've dated, they were usually open and understanding. I fear that my indecisiveness about sex is the reason.AdvertisementQuarantine has allowed me to discover a better treatment and medication. I have also found a genuine interest in certain aspects BDSM. I would love more information. Although things seem to be improving, I'd like to have more experience with sex now that it seems more feasible. I am too old to tell potential partners I don't have enough experience. It makes me feel terrible asking anyone to be my mentor to improve. Is there any way to increase confidence in sex? Or to communicate the issue more effectively?AdvertisementYou can have the enthusiasm, but not the experienceDear EnthusiasmThis column features many stories from people older than me who are exploring sexuality. We all start at the beginning with each partner. While experience might give you more options, youre still trying to figure out each other. They may be able to give verbal or physically directed instructions, but it is mostly a lot more experimentation. You may find that certain acts are more enjoyable with one partner than with another. We have to figure out how we all fit together, even if we are two excellent communicators. It might be a good idea to shift your focus from insecurity around experience to clear communication when you are with a new partner.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementIt is possible to tell potential partners about your mental illness diagnoses. However, you are not required to inform potential partners. You could say that I have been diagnosed with OCD, and accept this diagnosis. It has [relevant] effects on me. It affects me in [relevant ways]. It may be difficult to explain but it is important that our partners know how to best approach and care for us.OCD can also be marked by worry. I wonder if you are being too critical of yourself for your concerns about asking another person to be your practice partner. The BDSM community is used to beginners and many communities offer resources such as classes, munches, or a social gathering at a bar or restaurant where you can learn the basics. You'll be fine if you listen and treat others as people.AdvertisementDear How to Do it,My sex drive was thwarted by a year of anxiety and isolation. With the pandemic on the decline, my desire to sex has returned. However, one thing is certain: I don't want to reunite with my old bed friends. Although a few of my partners have offered to bring me along for games and fun, the idea that I would be sexing with someone else is exhausting. I want to be alone, not engage, and masturbate. Part of me feels like I should go for it, and maybe get in the spirit as we go along. But I don't know. This is normal? Never felt so miserable!Stay Home and NetflixAdvertisementDear Stay HomeNormalism is a complex concept. It's especially difficult right now. Because of the isolation experienced over the past 18 months, it is possible that what appeared to be a gradual shift towards more solitude and less interaction felt abrupt.It's worth taking a trip down the memory lane. It might be a good idea to try and remember the names of your bed buddies. Perhaps their positive qualities will motivate you to accept an invite. Perhaps they were not as compatible as you would like. Perhaps you have fears and frustrations that you need to address. Take some time to reflect on your feelings and thoughts as you go through your list.AdvertisementAdvertisementIf you decide to fake it til you feel it route, tell your partners that you aren't sure if the relationship will reach the level of enjoyment you desire and may want to end it sooner than you're used to. It is possible to end a sexual relationship at any time. People tend to assume that future interactions will follow the same pattern as the ones before them. Interrupting this helps you to hear what they are saying in the moment, if anything is not in your normal routine.There is no set time frame for resuming interactive sex, or interactive life. You can wait as long as you like if exchanging sexual energy feels exhausting.AdvertisementStoyaLearn MoreI am marrying a great man. We are so excited to be married and we love each other. Everything is great and happy. We don't have sex often so I am not sure if that should concern me. I believe I have a moderate level of sex drive. We have sex once a month, but I masturbate almost every day. This is not something that bothers me, but it does feel like it should. We'd rather watch a movie, play a game or cook.
