Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy first child, a set of twins, is almost five months old. My husband and I disagree on whether the babies should be in the same room. I have been reading like a terrible student prior to a final. For the first four months, they will be in their room in cribs. Once they are older and no longer need to eat as frequently, we plan to transition them into their own rooms. We should place them in the same room, but keep the third bedroom available as an extra, since it is often where family and friends crash to help. They will be on the same schedule, and they will need to eat at the same times, so it won't be a problem waking up. My husband believes that if they cry, it will wake them up and cause us all to sleep less because babies don't really follow schedules. Who is right?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementDo you want to learn Tango or a nap?Dear Two, TangoMy brother and I are identical twins. I don't think it would be offensive to my parents to say that they didn't know what was right and wrong about raising me and my brother. They discovered they were having twins only 48 hours before our birth, which added an extra layer of spontaneity. The pattern of sharing a crib and moving into our parents' beds, going back into our cribs, continued for the first few years. To discuss it with my mom, I called her. She said that we did our best to get through each day. Although some days were more difficult than others, I followed my instincts and it turned out okay.AdvertisementYou may be both right or wrong, depending on how you answer the question. One twin might be a heavy sleeper, while the other may wake up at a pin drop. (That was my experience with my brother and me). The twins will not know the truth until they arrive, so it's best to start saving your precious sleep for this. This parenting gig is for you if you are a Type A planner. You never know what the next day will bring. You don't have to sound like a hippie. Just follow your heart, be loving, supportive, and the universe will take its course.Help! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingKate, my daughter, is sixteen years old and has been best friend with Ned since they were both in preschool. Ned was 12 years old when he came out as gay. It was not well received by his parents. They told him that they loved you, which is problematic. But worse, they forced him to keep it private. They told him it was inappropriate to discuss his sexuality at school. He put up with them for a few years, and then began slowly coming out to other kids. They refused to allow him to join the LGBTQ student club. Ned and Kate went to Pride this year without telling anyone (we would have allowed our permission). Ned's parents were furious and ground him for a month. Ned fled from home in a rage. Three days have passed since he disappeared. Kate is aware of his whereabouts and has been speaking to him (the police have not intervened as Neds parents didn't report him missing). His parents are furious at her and, by extension, us for not giving up Ned. Yesterday, his mom shouted at me that I had to punish my daughter. I am really confused. One, I would be mad if my child was missing and willing to torture anyone who knows where she is. However, I understand why Ned fled. It is also unclear to me how I would convince Kate to stop running. She is incredibly stubborn and I know that no threat or act could get her to let go of a friend. She assured everyone that Ned is safe, and that he will be happy to return home if his parents are right. What should I do?AdvertisementAdvertisementPuzzledDear PuzzledAlthough it seems like Ned's parents are having some problems, you can still imagine them. You mentioned that you would keep the child hostage until Ned gives up information on your daughter's whereabouts. I would do the exact same. This is not a game. Tell your daughter and/or his parents as soon as possible where he is. You must assure Kate that Ned will always be there for her family in case things turn sour once he returns home. It may seem like betrayal, but it is the right thing to do.You've probably read my advice. I make it clear that you should only intervene when the child is in danger. This situation is very real, so please be more involved.AdvertisementIf your daughter is in the right line, I would advise Ned (via Kate or yourself) to contact a counselor or therapist to help him through this difficult time. Your home should be a safe place for your daughter. He should not be allowed to be himself at school or at home if his parents don't approve. If he were to go to therapy in a perfect world, then his parents would. However, based on the way you describe them, that seems highly unlikely.You will need to be more proactive and monitor his situation because it doesn't appear like many adults are advocating for him.AdvertisementYou can read Monday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy son will be entering seventh grade in the fall. His current school requires him to speak Spanish. Other languages are possible, but Spanish is the only one that he can learn. My son is white and Spanish is cultural appropriation to me. Latinx people have been ridiculed for speaking Spanish. To congratulate a child who has learned it and is fluent in it does not sit well with me. Although I would prefer him to learn Latin or French, the district insists that all students take it. My wife asked me to not protest, but I said no. Although I studied Spanish in school, it was at a different time than now. I told him that he will never be able to speak Spanish outside of school. He could go to private school but I don't like privatized education. Is it enough to make sure he doesn't speak it in class? Or do I have to confront the school directly?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementNo, not SpanishDear NoIt's a common misconception that you are too awake for your own good. Dude, white kids can learn Spanish. Arriba isn't mocking Latin culture with his sombrero-wielding antics. Andale! Like Speedy Gonzales. He is simply learning a language used throughout America.I am a Black man weighing in at 62 and 215 pounds. I speak Japanese when I'm with my second grade basketball team, which is made up of players who speak Japanese as their first language. Is that cultural appropriation? Because I care so much about my players, I go the extra mile to communicate.AdvertisementIt seems unwise and irrational to offer to take him out of school for this reason. Relax, take a deep breath, and I guarantee that if he speaks Spanish without disrespecting Spanish speakers (aka mocking), most people will be fine with it. The problem is not with your son or the school, it's with you.Dear Care and FeedingAdvertisementMy sister and I look after my niece (18months) during the day, while my BIL and sister work from home. My niece has a tendency to be a little clingy and is unable to hear or see her father. She feels rejected when she calls for him and he ignores. He is working, but she is too young to grasp it. He is a very involved dad. I don't think he spends enough time with his daughter. He has talked to my sister and her husband about going back to work now that everyone in our family is vaccinated. He prefers to work at home. Do I have to voice my concern about my niece feeling rejected by the world? I worry that I am too dependent on pop psychology about daddy issues. I also know it breaks my BIL's heart to not pay attention to his little girl during the day. It breaks my heart to hear her little girl cry when she is ignored and call for her father each time she hears footsteps. Is it possible for him to work remotely and deal with these situations differently? Do I need to make this argument in favor of him returning to work?AdvertisementAdvertisementWorking with DadsDear Daddys,This is something you should bring up to your brother-in law. He may not be aware of the problem if he's too focused on his work. He should be able to find time with his daughter every 15-30 minutes of each day if he is as loving as you think he is. This could include sharing meals, reading together, dancing, or even starting a spontaneous dance party. To be able to do his job well, he must set boundaries. His daughter cannot ask to play in his office every ten minute.However, using his daughter's behavior to convince him to return to the office won't work. Many employees enjoy working remotely for 15 months. They find it relaxing and more enjoyable than sitting in a cubicle farm after a long commute.AdvertisementAre you able to watch your niece at her house? You might consider taking your niece to your home or another place (playground, walking around the town, etc.). So she doesn't feel so upset every time she calls her dad. This seems like a simple solution.AdvertisementYour brother-in law will soon realize that the lines between home and work will never be the same again. He will also not be able to spend the time he needs with his daughter. It doesn't take long to tell your daughter, "I love you" and hug her for 30 seconds.DoyinSlate has more adviceMy 3-year old son has a disturbing habit. My 3-year-old son started complimenting me repeatedly by saying, Momma! I like your white skin. We tried to change this by discussing how compliments about character are more important than compliments about appearances, and how all skin types are beautiful. He responded by saying that he didn't like Daddy's brown skin. His grandparents are Hispanic and my husband and I love them unconditionally. However, it hurts to see him say something similar to them or worse, any of his preschool children. What should I do?
