Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingOur 7-month-old baby isn't a good sleeper. His waking hours are very short, his naps are often inconsistent and only last 30 minutes. He has been sleeping well for the first half of the night, but he is up at 3:00, 4:45, and 5:05. The only way he can get him back to sleep at that time to our still-too early-but-okay 6:30 am is to co-sleep with him. We know we shouldn't have him in our bed but sleep deprivation can also be fatal. We are both chronically tired, especially since we are still working at home and have no children or family nearby. My question is this: Is there a legitimate way to get your baby to sleep? Or are my husband and I just falling for a scam, even though we may be well-intentioned but extremely expensive?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementWe have been having some arguments about the topic. My opinion is that women's knowledge on things like baby sleep has been ignored and ridiculed. If these people have the expertise and are able to make a living out of it, I am all for it. He is concerned that sleep consultants can be as clueless and, at worst, con artists who want to make a profit from sleep-deprived parents. Are there any ways to tell the difference between good and bad actors? Are accreditation programs worth the effort?Tired and helplessT&HOkay, so I don't share any personal anecdotes because each family is different and there are so many variables. But maybe sharing my experience with you will help.AdvertisementMy older son was having trouble sleeping so I found a sleep consultant. She was also licensed psychologist and our insurance partially covered her visits. It might be an option for your family, but it may not be available in your region. I believe you should be cautious about paying to have someone who has a questionable accreditation or only offers virtual services. Our sleep consultant came to our home and looked at our sleeping arrangements. She also suggested some changes to improve our space. She also listened to what we were saying and confirmed our feelings. It was helpful to have a written description of our bedtime routine, or speak it out loud, so that we could see how far we'd strayed from a reasonable schedule and how much our baby was running the show. The consultant held us responsible to someone outside for what we were doing and not doing in order to get more sleep for our baby. It doesn't matter how skilled a therapist is, this is what I believe is the most important function. That is why the money was spent: to establish a relationship with someone outside of the situation that will help you stay on track and keep you accountable for your progress. It was worth the cost (about $350 in our case), although your mileage might vary.AdvertisementAdvertisementDo your research before you hire one. Consider what you are looking for (do your children want to cry? Do you want them to sleep in the same bed as you), so that you can hire the right person for you. Ask your friends to share their experiences with local consultants. It is possible to feel that a book will do the same thing, but you won't be the only one who feels that way.Dear Care and FeedingMy husband and I are currently in a dessert crisis. Can you please help us? My older son is in pre-K. He has been invited to playdates at homes where dessert is an evening affair. We used to only have dessert on Friday nights, and it was all fine. He now complains about it every night. He works irregular hours and comes home for dinner only 3-4 times per week. This makes it difficult to decide on a dinner/dessert schedule for our family. For dessert, I believe that dessert should be served once per week. My husband believes I make it look even more appealing by treating it as a forbidden fruit. This will only encourage our children to overindulge in dessert when they are not at our house for dinner. I'll also admit that I have some issues with my body image and I don't know if this is impacting my outlook. How many desserts should my children eat per week? And, once we have decided, how do I get my husband to support creating a united front for our children?AdvertisementAdvertisementDessert DebacleDear DDYour husband is right when he suggests that restricting dessert access, or any other food, will backfire. This could be in the same way he suggests, or by making everyone more focused on its non-availability. Ideal dessert would be something that is a delight and an extra, something that is welcomed when it is there, and not demanded or missed when it's not. But, it's easy to make it into something else: a bargaining chip and a stage for power struggles, or a measure stick for sibling competitions (her piece is larger than mine). Part of this is due to desire and hunger. But, some kids find ways to participate in power struggles as they explore the limits of their world.AdvertisementWhat about dessert? Both of you will need to compromise to get on the same page. Every family member has different needs and bodies. The goal of feeding children is to help them listen to their needs and consider how different foods affect them. It is possible to temporarily relax the Fridays-only rule and see if things change, either in a positive or negative way. It's not about how many desserts kids should have, it's about what is best for your family. Even that dynamic is changing constantly. When everyone feels that food is something they can enjoy, rather than worrying about, you will know you are doing it right. It's easier said than done, I know.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingMy husband's sister and her ex-husband have a dysfunctional, complicated relationship. Unfortunately, their parenting approach to their three children is also dysfunctional. Although there is nothing that could be considered abuse, it is heartbreaking to see their elementary-school-aged children act out and develop bad habits as a result of inconsistent boundaries and emotional neglect. Although my husband's parents live nearby and help with some babysitting duties, we live five hours from them. I feel terrible for the children and wish I could just come in and take them home with me, but I know it's not my place.AdvertisementI invited them to spend one or two weeks of their summer vacation with me. These visits are allowed by their parents, so this will be our second summer having them stay with us. These visits are filled with fun family activities, reading, and a good night's sleep. They get a small allowance if they do not earn enough chores. My nieces and nephews are now in elementary school and seem to enjoy the little chores that they have been assigned. I worry that Im going too far with summer visits. But part of me also feels like Im not doing enough to help these children, whose parents have mostly left parenting. Do you have any advice for me? What can I do to support my nieces and nephews?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementAbsent AuntDear Aunt AbsentThese children are fortunate to have you in your lives. I want to clarify everything by saying that I assume these children aren't being abused. This resource has more information about how to spot signs of child abuse or neglect. It is wonderful to be a part of the lives of your nephews and nieces, but it is important to set realistic expectations. Respect that even though you may not agree with your sister's parenting decisions, she is their mother. I am not sure what you mean by calling them your children. If you are allowed (or required to) adopt them, you must treat them like your nieces and nephews. Worst case scenario is that the stark differences between your family's structure and theirs could eventually lead to them leaving, especially as they age. Your home should be a safe haven for them. It sounds like you are fulfilling your role as their aunt. You can support your sister in her efforts to be a better parent than she is. Communicate with the family as much as possible because you care about them and want to help.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingMy sister-in law, Allie, has a positive, but not very close, relationship. I also play a solid role in the lives of my nephew Adam (7) and niece Eloise (13) through my role as cool aunt. Eloise and Adam slept in the same bedroom for much of their childhood, despite having their own rooms. This may have been a result of Eloise's fear of the dark as a child. She doesn't want to share her bedroom with her younger brother now that she is in middle school. This seems to be reasonable. Eloise will be told by Allie that Adam wants to stay there. She will encourage Adam to continue to do so to keep Adam happy. I witnessed this conversation unfold before me yesterday, and it was clear that it wasn't the first.AdvertisementEloise asking her mother for support so she can have some privacy is something that makes me very uncomfortable. Concerning consent to BOTH children is also a concern. Eloise is being told that she can't change her mind and that she cannot refuse to allow an intruder to her space. Adam, on the other hand, is learning that he can have what he wants, if he doesn't cry enough. Eloise heard me say something in that moment. You are free to choose who enters your room, and you can change your mind at any time. However, I would like to discuss this with Allie to ensure that the boundary is maintained. This is how I can bring it up without being judgmental or reactionary.AdvertisementAdvertisementAutonomy AuntieDear AAIs your brother involved in this mess? It is difficult to determine the role of your brother in all this. I will give it a shot.Allie can and should tell you about your conversation with Adam about Adam sleeping in her bedroom, but not because that is how the boundary will be enforced. Although Eloise may want her room back based on how you have described it, there could be other factors that impact your sister-in law's decision. You don't know what those children parent.AdvertisementAllie should have been consulted before you made contact. However, now that it is not an option, it is important to approach the subject as open-mindedly and honestly as possible. Eloise is upset that she doesn't have her own bedroom. Please tell me more. Don't mention consent or concerns regarding Eloises privacy. You will treat Allie's relationship with you with more respect if you truly want the best for her niece and not just to be right.EmilySlate has more adviceWe have been married four years. We have a toddler and two children from a previous marriage. He is a great, thoughtful, caring, involved dad who is attentive, fun and caring. It's not easy for me. Although I've always loved children, now I feel like I'm drowning. How can I be more successful?
