Dear Prudence is available to chat live weekly with readers. This is an edited transcript from this week's chat.Jene Desmond Harris: Good morning! Let me know about your problemsQ. Q. She died from cancer a year ago. A sister survived her, but she recently lost her husband.AdvertisementMy father and his sister in law have been spending a lot of time together lately and he always finds reasons to mention her name in our conversations. Hell mention a recipe that I made, if I tell him about a dish I've tried, hell also mention one she made. Hell mention that she also ordered takeout when I order it. I've noticed several times that my email and texts include her name. My father is a well-mannered and respected man. I wouldn't expect him to start a relationship only a year after his wife's death. It seems too soon after her death to move on with a family member.AdvertisementAdvertisementAlthough I don't think it is my place to judge, I believe there is more than friendship in this relationship and I find it disturbing and appalling. He has also judged me and everyone else so heavily. Wrong is wrong. There are many other fish in the ocean if he is that alone. I would like to speak out against him. Please share your opinions and help me.AdvertisementA: I believe you are right to assume that there is something going on between them. The fact that a person cannot help but mention someone's name in every conversation is a red flag. Your concern about this (possible?) relationship is not the right thing.These two older adults have experienced loss and heartbreak, but seem to be enjoying one another. Please explain to me the problem. Even if things seem to be moving fast, who are they hurting? They would be doing a disservice to their partner if they didn't want to date. You know the answer. It's not wrong, it's great for them both.AdvertisementIt must have been difficult to have a distant relationship to your father. I'm sure you have plenty to be angry about, especially when it comes down to him not being the father you wanted. It is possible that your anger and resentment over this was just floating around, and ended up in this innocent situation. You should confront him about the distance between you and how he has hurt you, and not about his current crush.It sounds like he is judgmental. You can help him do the best thing for himself in this situation without trying to interfere.AdvertisementPrudie's Advice:Questions for publication? Send them here. (Questions can be edited.Live chat Mondays at 12 noon You can submit your questions or comments before or during the chat.Q. Q. My siblings chose different paths, but they have made a difference in the world. Jess, my sister works in retail and manages a rescue center for feral cats. Tony, my brother, had problems with the law and settled down after he met Carol. Carol is a single mother of four. They are not my closest friends, as they just recently entered our lives. However, I do send gift cards to them on their birthdays, Christmas, and for other occasions.All the expenses for our parents who are in decline, I pay. Jess is open and honest about her charity and I support it. Tony, on one hand, is a bit more evasive and asks for money. Carol, however, says that Tony doesn't know anything about child support. Tony and Carol both have jobs and don't lose their house. Ballet is not a necessity. Carol accuses me of being a hater and throwing her children aside. Is there anything I could do?AdvertisementAdvertisementA: Take out some paper or an Excel sheet, and name it Budget. Include numbers for your expenses, the support you provide to your parents, and charitable donations. When Tony asks you for money, just say sorry. It's not in my budget. If he insists, say, "I'm not going to talk about my budget anymore." But, if he does, then add, "I'm not going to discuss your budget anymore." I know you love Tony and you are my siblings, so I hope we can continue to have a relationship. Even if it takes some time for him and Carol to understand, I hope they get the message.AdvertisementQ. Anhedonic, Atlanta: I am a senior at college and will be graduating in August. Through college, I thought that I would have more time for hobbies and travel once I was done with college. Since I was 15, I have worked as hard as I can to support my family. I didn't have the time to meet friends, do sports, join clubs, go to prom, or any other extra activities. After college, I looked forward to it.AdvertisementNow I am applying for jobs, and all of them seem to be miserable. Many of these jobs are low-paying and offer only one to two weeks (unpaid) vacation. This is making me very depressed. My friends and family who are graduates complain about how stressed out and broke they feel, and how little time they have for themselves. How do I cope with a life of misery and work?AdvertisementA: It's hard to tell if you are extremely negative, extremely clear-eyed or both. This is a terrible way to feel. The good news is that, despite the fact that many people work too hard to survive, there are still plenty of people who find happiness and live lives worth living. You might be wondering how. They will need to be asked.You will need to find three friends, family members, or professionals within 10 years of you who love their jobs. Find three others who don't love their jobs but still love their lives. Ask them how they organize their lives and how they view their lives. Find out what you think is possible. Decide if you are someone who is looking for meaning in your work or someone who just wants to make ends meet. Ask for tips from those who have created a system that works. Ask them how they got there. Next, create a plan.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementTwo pieces of general advice are also available:Talk to a therapist. Talk to a therapist. Anyone who has seen a list with depression symptoms will know that the most common is hopelessness.Find someone or something outside of yourself that you care about. Make a plan. You might find it helpful to do something to help people who are less fortunate than you are. It can give you some perspective, give you a sense or purpose, and introduce you to others who will be motivated to improve the world.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Q. Hungry to find out more: Im a married man for 15 years. I am also a woman and we are in our 60s. Our marriage is very strong, with the exception that we have been sexless the past 12 years due to my antidepressants and low libido. However, there are still many affections.AdvertisementRecently, I've felt the need to engage in sexual activity. I found a young man about my age who believes I am a beautiful goddess and wants to have some sex. There hasn't been any penetration, although we have had some fun. My wife would not approve of these minor sexual outlandish activities and I fear for her safety. Her previous partner cheated on them and she has mentioned that she is waiting for me to do it, despite 16 years of loyalty and fidelity.AdvertisementMy marriage is not to be ended. Are you able to give me some advice about how to approach her? I want to let her know that we love each other and that we value our marriage.A: We have had 12 years to talk about this! It would have been difficult, really hard, and very risky. However, you should have been open and honest with her about your feelings. You could have suggested sex with another person during that conversation; many people have this kind of arrangement. You made her worst fears about your relationship come true by being unfaithful and going behind her back. I don't know if she will ever come back.AdvertisementAdvertisementThe worst thing is that you aren't even happy. You are living your life fearful that your wife might find out. You need to summon all your ethical energy and tell your wife. You should apologize profusely. Maybe this will lead to a productive discussion about how you can improve your relationship. It is possible that you will not trust your partner again, or ask for a divorce.Although I understand that you don't want your marriage to end in divorce, you have more control over this than you did before you cheated. It's up to you to betray.AdvertisementQ. Q. They quickly fell in love. Except for my cousin, all my family members are happy for me. She said that I was stupid. Her baby's father is currently in prison. He broke up with her while she was still pregnant. She was my support throughout.AdvertisementMy car and apartment are mine. My man is happy to help me get ready for my new baby. How can I make my cousin see this and stop judging me? This is too stressful for me.AdvertisementA: She isn't trying to get you to make the same mistakes as her. This is the most generous interpretation. It does sound like she is jealous of your relationship and pregnancy. You can't force her to stop judging, but you can choose to not let it get to you.Give her a warning. You keep calling my stupid and it is making me hate being around you. You can ask her to stop calling me stupid. If she agrees and changes her tune, great. You can say, "I asked you not to call my stupid stupid" if she continues. If you make a fuss about me, it makes me feel hurt and frustrated. I will take some time away from you so that I can enjoy my pregnancy and not be attacked. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementNo matter what happens, you can redirect your energy from her to focus on the exciting times in your life and those who don't need reminding about how to treat your. Remember: She may not have been right, even if the relationship does not work out.Q. Q. Although I don't know the length of your father's marriage, it is likely that he did a lot more grieving than he died. Grief can be confusing and unsettling.This comes from how your father has influenced your life. This is where you should focus your energy.AdvertisementA: Yes, I agree. Although he may have committed many wrongdoings, this is not one.Q. Q. You may find that working 40 hours a week, with no other work, is not only more fun, but it also gives you more time.A: Yes! Although I think the concerns of letter writers may be more due to their negative outlook than the actual hours they work, you are correct that 40 hours per week is a lot of time to enjoy non-work activities.AdvertisementTalk about this column on our Facebook Page!Classic PrudieMy wife and i have been trying for years to conceive. After the emotional rollercoaster ride, we settled on having my brother (gay), be a donor. Both our families support this decision and we are excited to move forward with it. My wife and my brother are now almost as close as possible, discussing their future child. I feel isolated from my own marriage. I feel like this baby is everything we've ever wanted. I'm anxious and jealous, and don't know what to do.
