Dear Prudence is Slates' advice column. Ask questions! It's anonymous!Dear PrudenceMy brother-in law married an Indian woman shortly before the pandemic. We got along well and met at the wedding. My husband and I decided to visit his brother's house with our two children for three days, now that the restrictions have eased up. We drove to their home, so we packed groceries to keep the cost down. My new sister-in law, who was warmly welcoming us, seemed a little odd. I asked her if that was okay. She explained that they were fine financially, so she brought groceries and was looking forward to hosting us for a few more days. I assured her that we were not trying to offend and that we did not want to make them feel obligated to feed our four-person family. She wanted to know if I expected her to bring food when she visited. Although it was awkward, I explained that this is what Americans consider polite. Although the trip was not completely awkward, it was still awkward. Even though we have the means to pay for it, I would be a little upset if I had to cook meals for another family. Please guide me in a follow-up with my sister-in law.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementJust trying to be politeDear Just TryingThis is very sweet. She wanted to be a great guest, and you wanted to be a good host. But there was a cultural difference. You might be able to relate to your country of origin. However, it is important to remember that American families and communities have their own traditions and customs. It is more common to bring a gift or pay for someone's dinner, rather than to buy them food. Instead of thinking that she doesn't understand America, your attitude should be: We don't understand each other.AdvertisementTalking to her should be a conversation that values vulnerability, curiosity, humor, and a bit of humor.It could be something like:I've been thinking about how I brought groceries for our visit, and I don't want to ask you. It was something I was taught to do so that feeding my children and me wouldn't be a burden. But, I am realizing that every family has its traditions and it makes me feel ridiculous to see it from your point of view. After all, you can afford to host us for a week. It was the same thing I do when I visit people and it sent the wrong message. Now I am eager to find out about alternative ways to do things. Not only because I want to be a good host, but also because you are my sister and I want to ensure I don't make a mistake. You are welcome to text or phone me and answer any questions. I am sorry for bringing six boxes Cheerios. I will not do it again and I honestly would prefer to eat the food that you make any day.AdvertisementIf she is open to it, you might be able to have a lighthearted, ongoing conversation about gifts, child rearing and celebrations. You don't have to do everything her way. But you both should know where the other is coming.You will probably be able to recall, years later, when I brought all the groceries to your home without asking you? And you thought I was calling it broke?Introducing Big Mood and Little MoodDanny Lavery is now a podcast host on Slate! Subscribe to Big Mood Little Mood to hear Lavery chat with special guests and offer advice. Every Tuesday and Friday, new episodes are released.AdvertisementDear PrudenceWe have been married for seven years and it has been great. One thing I find odd is that it happens occasionally. We are both not morning people so mornings are a series grunts at one another. I have noticed a pattern. It seems that he has a limit on the number of negative things he can say before causing him to become very upset. He made fried rice for breakfast the last time. I explained to him that it didn't sound very healthy and that he was trying to be healthier. When I went to make my coffee, I noticed that he had removed the coffee from one of the containers. I asked him why. It is possible that I was grumpy. But I didn't shout or use demeaning language. He became upset and stated that he did not want to be near me. It ended in the same way it always does. I said that I was sorry for scolding and that I wasn't trying to make judgements. He accepted my apology (though he seemed upset). Then we moved on. I'm still confused. This is something I need help with, or something he needs to work out. I don't think I was being harsh. What do you think?AdvertisementAdvertisementGood morning. Get AwayGood morning,It's not a good idea to inform someone that the food they are about to eat is unsafe. This is always going to be irritating and never helpful.You can also set aside mornings to be a time when youre not only grumpy but also don't say any negative things. Let him know if he has started a fire or the kitchen is on fire. If you have any questions or concerns about his behavior, ask him. I think that if it is a more pleasant time for you, you may not feel the need to have a discussion about how the coffee was being opened.AdvertisementReceive Dear Prudence directly to your inbox Please try again. To use this form, please enable jаvascript. Email address: I would like to receive updates on Slate special offers. You agree to our Privacy Policy & Terms by signing up. Thank you for signing up! You can cancel your subscription at any time.Dear PrudenceMy family and I are from a culture that treats overweight people harshly. My mom last visited me when I was 41 weeks pregnant. I was one week late. She said the first thing to me. Needless to state, it hurt my feelings. I didn't say anything. I am three months postpartum and still have a lot of weight. She will undoubtedly make crude comments about my weight at least 20 more times during her 10-day visit. How can I let her know that I am respectful?AdvertisementAre You Tired of Being Fat?AdvertisementDear TiredMama, I understand that you have many thoughts about my weight. It is normal for people to discuss it in our society. It really hurts me when you make negative comments about my body. When you visit, could you please refrain from mentioning my weight? Although I love you and want to spend time together, I don't think you should mention my weight.In the days before her visit, remind her as often as you need to. If she does make a mistake, Mom, I asked that you refrain from making comments about my weight. It was a horrible thing that you did again. I will take some time for myself to feel better and then head to another area. You can take the baby along so that she can think about it and what it hurt.AdvertisementThis week's Prudie is available for you to catch up.Get more advice from How to do itI was having sex recently with a man who claimed he had a 10-inch penis. It was indeed huge. My gay friend told me about the guys endowment. He said that it was statistically extremely unlikely. People have a biased perspective, mostly because men lie all the time, so people believe smaller sizes are better. My guy was 8-9 inches in height, which is already huge according to most people's standards. Given that the average penis measures more than 5 inches, he said 7 inches is too big. Is this correct? Is it possible to find a 10-inch penis in the wild? Are all men lying? Are all men able to spot the actual size of a person when they see it?
