Slates' parenting advice column on Care and Feeding covers care and feeding. Do you have a question about Care and Feeding Send it here, or to the Slate Parenting Facebook page.Dear Care and FeedingMy cousin, 11 years old, died suddenly four years back. I was very close with her mother. Her dad divorced her mom many years before her death. She is now being raised by him. She is only seen once to twice per month, less during the pandemic. We are now back to normal. She is bright, cheerful, funny, kind and beautiful. She has terrible table manners. She can't hold her fork properly while using a knife and talks with her mouth full. She also makes a mess at the table, cuts too many pieces of food with her fork and doesn't know how to use it correctly. We were celebrating her birthday at a white cloth steak house. While we were talking after dinner, she was distracted by her leftover steak with her hands. There are many levels of decorum and I am aware that my grandmother, who is a home ec teacher, can make me very sensitive to table manners. Do you think an 11-year old should be better at table manners than her grandmother? What is the best way for her to improve her table manners? Do I miss something?AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementConcerned CousinDear ConcernedI don't think you are missing anything if your cousin seems to be doing well. Two possible reasons for her poor table manners are that her father did not teach them or that he was too busy with other aspects of raising his child on his own. If you could gently teach your child when you're sharing a meal together, you would be doing him a great favor.It is not enough to model good table manners, I fear, even if it is only once or twice per month. You will also need to demonstrate and explain to her. This can be done without making her feel ashamed or self-conscious. Although it may seem a bit fancy, you will be amazed at the difference it makes in social situations. It will help to remind her that even though it might not seem fair, people will judge you if your behavior isn't in line with their standards.AdvertisementAdvertisementHow do I know if you will be doing good deeds? It was my dad, whom I loved and was irritated by his chewing while talking. I would have given anything to be able to sit next to him for a few more years. Because I didn't know anything about them until I went on my first date with someone who was kind, generous, and gentle in his guidance, so I didn't feel embarrassed or called out. He did it honestly, and I don't know how. I wish someone would have done this before I was 22, and on my first date.AdvertisementYou can read Friday's Care and Feeding column here if you missed it.This column can be discussed in the Slate Parenting Facebook Group!Dear Care and FeedingMy 11-year old had a difficult time during the pandemic. Virtual learning was something she hated and made her feel very lonely. This was mainly due to the fact that we lived across the country and her cousins were not nearby. Also, because she didn't get to visit her school friends for nearly a year. This difficult time is now over. Our family dived into reading during the pandemic to offset the extra screen time. My daughter got her first library card, and she was able to access YA books that she liked. My problem is, and I cannot believe it, my daughter loves to read too much. She won't do her homework, attend playdates, participate in sports practice or socially interact with others. She is intelligent enough to argue that I should be okay with her reading, but I am not OK with it. I worry that she will lose some of her social skills because she is isolated. Middle school will be an adjustment, which I know. I don't want her to be the kid who sits in the corner and reads instead of engaging with her peers. I've asked her a few times if anything happened to her friends group. She seems happy with her friends (unclear if she is still as close) and she says that she enjoys reading. This is a problem. How can I get her to stop reading and just be a part in the world for a bit?AdvertisementAdvertisementMom of a ReaderDear MoaRIt's hard to decide if I am the right person or wrong person to answer that question. This was me, minus the pandemic. As a child, I only had one or two friends. I was not interested in playing sports, which is something that no one thought was unusual in those days. I preferred reading over any other activity. My grandmother was my mother and she always told me to get outside. I would then take my book out and go on the fire escape. There, I could read for hours. Because I am social and well-adjusted, I can be found writing in groups or with friends when I'm not alone. I don't believe that a childhood spent reading books will make you a bad person. My own child was similar until high school. She found her friends and joined a small group of about a dozen other kids. In college, she became a social butterfly because there were many like-minded people.AdvertisementAdvertisementLet me just say that I can understand your concern. Especially if she was younger and more social before the pandemic. Even though she appears to be happy, it is clear that she seems to prefer the world of books over the real world. How about this? In the fall, she will start middle school. No matter what she does in the summer, this will be a major adjustment. It is a big adjustment for all children. I don't think she will be ruined by a few more months of complete immersion in books. It may actually be a good thing for her. I believe it did for me and my daughter. See what happens once school begins. You should be watching for signs of loneliness and unhappiness. Be careful not to mistake the contented solitude of a preteen bookworm for unhappiness. She might not be the party star, but does she really need to? She may not be the life of the party, but she will have a few close friends or even one! She won't feel lonely. She might meet fellow bookworms at her new school. I met one on my first day of junior high.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementLet me add one last caution. She shouldn't be the kid who sits in the corner and reads (that was me, every recess for what seemed a long time) while other children engage. However, it is important that you don't make her feel anxious about this. You may not be able to make her as active socially as you would like, but she doesn't have to be. Allow her to explore this on her own.Dear Care and FeedingI am a 19-year old girl. I just completed my freshman year at college. Although we aren't close, my stepsiblings (and I) get along well. My room in the new house is shared with my stepbrother's room. This means that I sometimes hear him. My stepbrother is a night owl and has been up since 3 a.m. He is, however, not studying, but he is discovering Pornhub. His parents and sister are not able to hear what I hear, so our rooms are located on the second floor. However, I can still hear the sound through the closet doors even though they are closed on both sides. This is made more difficult by the fact that he seems to be watching a lot gay porn. I don't want to make him feel pressured or make it public. My stepbrother, a shy, quiet child, spends his time playing Minecraft. He doesn't know I can hear him. I have tried headphones, but he keeps going after I finish working. It makes it difficult for me to fall asleep. How can I raise this issue without making him uncomfortable or outing him? What should I do? Should I speak to his dad or my mom, or directly to him?AdvertisementAdvertisementStepBro, please don'tDear SBPDStepSis, please don't. Talk to your parents, but don't go to them directly. Let him be. He thinks he is protected. Let him enjoy that privacy. Get some good quality silicone earplugs. At bedtime, you can switch between headphones-for studying and earplugs for sleeping. They are very comfortable and easy to use. I'm a light sleeper, so I can testify to their ease. The possible complicating factor is that he may not be ready to let go of the possibility. You can make him a big sister by doing something that shows (and I don't just mean say) that you don't have homophobic bones in your body. Also, be available for conversation in confidence anytime you feel like it.AdvertisementHelp! Help! Answer: Join Slate Plus.AdvertisementDear Care and FeedingTwo wonderful, intelligent, 18-year-old daughters are my proud mother. The 18-year old just graduated high school. She will be home for a few more months before she heads off to college in fall. The 20-year-old is currently in college for two years, and is returning home for the summer. It was a busy week: 18 students graduated and we moved into a house with a pool. Never had a pool before. It is difficult for me to transition from 18 being my little girl, where pools can be dangerous. 18 is now an adult, so she can use the pool whenever she likes. They are healthier, fitter, and more skilled swimmers than me. They are smart and reliable. I have no worries about them being irresponsible. They have been swimming since they were toddlers (with supervision!). They swim in lakes, pools, and the ocean. They are water-savvy. They are water-savvy. I would feel much better if they could swim with someone else. However, their work schedules often don't align. (18 has already stated that she won't use the diving boards alone because she considers that foolish.AdvertisementIs it possible for my anxiety to ease as my brain adjusts to 18 being an adult instead of the high school student she was last week? Although I am a little anxious about 20 swimming alone, it is much less than 18 although 18 is just as responsible and as reasonable as 20. (18) asked me if it would make my feelings better if she texted to let me know when she swims. I replied that it would, but I wasn't sure that it would. She also said that she was not going to stop swimming at 2am so I didnt think it would be a good idea. I don't want to do that. I want to get out of my fearful mindset. I'm a worrier by default, and I don't want that to get in the way my girls (adults). Enjoying the pool with my girls before they go off to college.AdvertisementAdvertisementAdvertisementNew Adult, New HouseDear NANHYou have my deepest sympathies as a worry-wart sister/brother. I wish I could use my magic columnist wand to help you get out of your fearful mindset, which you already know is unhealthy. I can only tell you to listen and trust your higher angels. These young women are being over-parented. This is not healthy for you or them. This is something I do with love and more empathy than any healthy advice columnist. There is no miracle cure for your problems. You will have to pretend it until you get it. It works though. Trust me. It takes practice and time.MichelleSlate has more adviceMy husband (who was white) and I have a 2-year old daughter. We are trying our best to be antiracist parents. We make sure that she has many multiracial dolls, watches TV with diverse characters, and doesn't wear problematic Halloween costumes. She doesn't seem to be interested in discussing issues such as structural racism, intersectionality or White fragility. Are we somehow sloppy?
