How Emotionally Intelligent People Embrace Awkward Conversations to Make a Great First Impression

A small conversation. People are good at it. There are many who aren't. Most people don't like it.

In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who had conversations with strangers based on what seemed like too- personal questions felt less awkward, more connected, and a lot happier than they expected.

Can you tell me about a time you cried in front of someone?

Participants predicted that answering a question from a stranger like "What is one of the more embarrassing moments in your life?" would make them feel very awkward and uncomfortable.

The more uncomfortable a conversation sounds, the more people will enjoy it. You want to feel like a part of it. Say you like the other person.

There are no magic questions, that's for sure. The time you cried in front of another person was one of the questions that different people asked. All were successful.

• "For what in your life do you feel most grateful?"
• "If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?"
• "If you were going to become a close friend with the other participant, please share what would be important for him or her to know."

The researchers wanted participants to ask their own questions. What are the most common?

• "What do you love doing?"
• "What do you regret most?"
• "Where do you see yourself in five years?" 

The questions were just as likely to make people feel connected as the other way around. The researchers wrote about it.

In reality, the other person also typically enjoyed getting beyond superficialities.

Our research suggests that the person next to you would probably be happier talking about their passions and purpose than the weather and "what's up."

Do you think it's sound good? There's more to come.

Asking good questions can be used in virtual encounters. In this article for Beside, the poet Lee Suksi describes how questions they asked their followers on the photo-sharing website sparked a lot of candor. I like it.

• "Are you more often bored, or overwhelmed?"
• "Is it easy to make other people happy, or yourself?"
• "Is it easier for you to apologize or forgive?"

My answers are neither, others, or forgiveness.

• "Are you better at working, or relaxing?"
• "Are you more sensitive to news, or fiction?"
• "Given the choice, would you live alone or with others?"
• "Which comes more naturally to you, gratitude or generosity?"

• Do you often go without transparency for kindness? That's fascinating.

• What is the scariest question you could ask someone?

• What do you enjoy the most about yourself?

• What is the easiest thing that someone could do to help you the most?

The deeper conversations are likely to be sparked by those questions. Don't be concerned that they will make the other person feel weird.

The people in our experiments expected that deeper conversations would be significantly more awkward than they actually were. The overly pessimistic expectations about deep talk stemmed from the misplaced assumption that one's conversation partner would be largely indifferent to the interaction.

No one was not paying attention. People like talking. We all want to hear.

"What kind of work to do you?" is a standard small talk opening that can be followed up with a deeper question. That sounds hard to me. The hardest part of your job? Every job is difficult.

It won't feel awkward for a few seconds. The other person will warm to the topic if you are sincere and actually listen to the answer.

You can ask questions that will help you learn more. To be more attentive. To go a bit further. Ask to go a bit deeper.

The result will be a conversation that will make you both feel better.

It beats small talk.