The author and their dog are outside.
The white woman screamed at me from behind the steering wheel of her SUV. We parked in the T-Mobile parking lot.
The general term for symptom flares caused by exertion in patients with myaglic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome is called a crash.
For me, physical and emotional stress causes muscle weakness, lightheadedness, cognitive difficulty and days of full-body aches. My hearing and sight become hypersensitive so that I can hear the sound of a fire. The woman's voice was hard to hear.
There is no approved treatment for ME/CFS. I am supposed to practice pacing so that I never exceed my energy capacity, but the instructions are much simpler in concept than practice.
There are too many factors beyond my control, but I can plan my day meticulously.
The woman had backed out of the parking spot. I was next to her. I stopped to give her enough space to leave as we were the only two people in the lot. There was no need for urgent action.
She erupted into her rant before our eyes. She had already rolled down her window when I arrived. She leaned the top half of her body on the ground.
She wanted to know if it was because you were so small.
Her question was completely out of the blue. She repeated herself in a dull staccato when people say you don't understand English. That's it. It's because. You are, right? That's right, so. What's small? You don't know what you're doing Do you think that is the reason you are a bad driver? Is it because you're small?
I lost 40 pounds in three months due to an illness that began 12 years ago. I am small.
I don't like the lifetime of racism, transphobia and ableism that she brought for me. She said that she was weak, passive and a receptacle for her own bad feelings.
I don't like the upswell of memories that come into my head this afternoon. I've hated that about myself many times. I try to beat this body into folded steel. Something that makes a difference.
She pointed the camera at me before I could say anything. She stiffened as if bracing for impact, even though I wasn't near her car. She was waiting for me to get upset. She waited for me to return her aggression so she could record it.
I would fulfill the role she had laid out for me if I matched her tones. I would be the bad guy in the story. Her cell phone camera, which allows people of color to document racist violence, has now been used as her protection. She was forcing me to hold her anger.
I put my stuff in my car. She dropped the phone when she realized I wasn't following her instructions. A car that was barricaded into the lot began to drive at her.
I wanted to know if this made you feel better.
As she left, she yelled, "Yes!"
I want to believe that it doesn't work, that you can't just make others angry. I'm familiar with this experience. It feels like someone else will mistake me for a punching bag on a bad day. She and many other people will channel their anger into someone else.
I was in the crosswalk of a Target when a half-empty water bottle flew past my head. I didn't know what had happened until I heard the words "China virus" thrown out of the window of the car.
In the United States, where a long history of xenophobia encourages the general conflation of all Asian peoples, those who look like East Asian became easy outlets for a country's angst.
They will be in Austin, Texas, in 2021.
Jose Gomez III went to a Sam's Club in west Texas in March of 2020 and attacked a family he thought were Chinese. Gomez stabbed the six-year-old son after punching the father across the face.
Gomez admitted that he tried to kill the child who he held responsible for the COVID-19 epidemic. The boy's face was split open from his eye to the back of his skull in a photo. He looked similar to my cousins and my childhood friends.
The man was sentenced to 25 years in prison. He would be 46 if he were to serve his full sentence. I don't think anyone could emerge from 25 years of confinement without more suspicion.
Three years have passed since the start of Stop AAPI Hate. Anti-trans and anti-queer attacks were pervasive in the media and everyday lives.
At least nineteen people were wounded and five people were killed in a shooting at a gay club in Colorado Springs on this year's Transgender Day of remembrance. The attacks on the safe havens for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and queer people are related to the political climate hostile to the people.
I don't know what it would be like to be hated for breathing. I wonder how many people get that privilege. When one person's suffering becomes another person's burden, I wonder about the long term damage.
My ME/CFS is milder than most of the others. One of the leading theories of the disease is that it is caused by a bad flu.
I had an errand and a confrontation in the parking lot before collapsing. You can know the fragility of your own body while also being awed by it.
There was a pattern of symptoms over the next few days. My temperature went up and my body temperature went up as well. My thoughts were moving at a snail's pace.
I saw how this experience replicated other destructive loops when I watched my body metabolize this woman's anger. scapegoats have always been found for public suffering.
The vilification of Asian Americans was similar to what happened to Chinese migrants. The persecution of gays and lesbians was caused by Cold War fears. Old conspiracy theories about Jewish power and control have been used to build antisemitism.
The truth behind these theories has been exposed by history. Many public servants lost their jobs because of their sexual orientation. Antisemitic scapegoating has aided white nationalist movements.
The tide of COVID-19 and the rising crisis of long COVID did not stem from the policies of xenophobia and anti-migration. The U.S. policies and attitudes caused the public health failures. It didn't acknowledge that migrants made up a disproportionate amount of essential workers.
It is only by placing blame on others that they will suffer more.
It would have been easier to think of my parking lot incident as a conflict between two people, rather than a conflict that ruined my day. The story is larger than me and the stranger. We can't afford to make these cycles of blame worse. We need to respond to pain in a way that heals rather than harms.
The author of "Constellating Home: Trans and Queer Asian American Rhetorics" is an assistant professor of rhetoric and writing at the University of Texas at Austin. You can find more information at www.vjohsu.com.
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