Properly applied, our Kinesio Mask technology is a revolutionary advance in reducing your risk of becoming infected with the coronavirus," ElastiCorp CEO Greg Vern Der Derp explained. "Plus it's 100% safe and made from non-GMO cotton, spandex, and adhesive resins. It's like a warm hug for your immune system!What makes ElastiCorp's new medical mask so effective? According to Vern Der Derp, it is designed to facilitate the wearer's innate healing powers while at the same time supporting and stabilizing the nasal and oral musculature. It is safe for people of all ages and won't interfere with your ability to talk or swallow. According to medical experts, like ElastiCorp Chief of Research and Marketing Mort Fishman MD, the secret to Kinesio Mask technology is its ability to restore cellular homeostasis and to promote lymphatic drainage by gently lifting the skin. "Lymphatic drainage plays a key role in the immune system. And if you target the regions where viruses like coronavirus are known to enter the body, you can reduce inflammation and decrease the risk of infection by a percentage. And the masks come in seven different colors!" There is a potential downside to the Kinesio Mask, however, and that's the potential for a false sense of security. It isn't magic, it's science. You can't simply place an order on Amazon Prime, or pick one up at the nearest CVS, and expect to see the benefits being touted by ElastiCorp. Each mask needs to be specifically applied based on your individual facial structure, which can only be determined during an evaluation by a certified Kinesio Masking Method (KMM) provider. These highly trained experts have all mastered The Method during an intensive course, known as The Weekend, that was designed by ElastiCorp and is very reasonably priced. Vern Der Derp, who has used a Kinesio Mask since the initial prototype was developed in January, has never tested positive for the novel coronavirus. Not even once. "I can't stress enough how important it is to be evaluated by a professional, a certified professional. There are people out there claiming to know the Method who haven't gone through The Weekend, so be careful. Ultimately, you may not know if your mask was properly applied for weeks or even months. If you get sick, it wasn't." If you register online for The Weekend using the code "Gorski", you will receive a 5% discount.
The novel coronavirus pandemic is scary, so naturally there are all kinds of bogus claims being made to take advantage of our collective fear. Fear, and the panic that is might induce, will only add to the overall harm that comes from this virus. You will be better off by far listening to experts from reputable organizations such as the WHO and the CDC.
Kinesiology tape is nonsense. Colorful and artistic in its application, but nonsense nonetheless. It works no better than traditional athletic tape, it just costs more. For one example of just how silly it gets out there in researchlandia, in 2018 I discussed a non-satirical study looking into the influence of kinesiology tape color on athletic performance. Seriously.
I couldn't help but giggle at the thought of someone having elastic tape placed over their mouth and nose in a foolhardy attempt to prevent viral infections. I can imagine that the placement of holes for breathing would be based on a complex algorithm or perhaps even quantum mechanics. The language I used is exactly what proponents of these products use. I just took it one (maybe two) steps further. I do feel, a bit, like perhaps I'm violating Poe's Law. It wouldn't be the first time.
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