Stop 'Gaslighting' Your Kids

The wordgaslighting was the word of the year. Gaslighting occurs in everything from politics to celebrity news. Sometimes parents can be known to light their children on fire. You might be guilty of this if you have told your child that they are ok when they cry.

Jess Beachkofsky teaches us how to spot and stop this harmful parenting practice.

What is “true” gaslighting?

If you haven't seen it yet, someone is trying to make you doubt yourself by gaslighting you. They may say, "I never said that!" in a fight with a gaslighter. They might make it about you and your character, which can make you feel bad about yourself. It is done by design. They might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or, "You're being too sensitive."

The tactic usually lasts for a long time and the gaslighted is dependent on the gaslighter. The gaslit person doubts the reliability of their memories and feelings. A person has control of a situation for their own benefit. Most parents are not gaslighters when it comes to their children because they are not consciously and selfishly manipulating them. It can have harmful consequences even when we don't mean to.

How we gaslight our kids

We have to exert a certain amount of control to make sure we don't lose our kids. Sometimes we will tell a white lie. It is not the end of the world. There are some situations and responses to be aware of.

• A child falls outside and comes in crying and upset; the parent says, “Oh, you’re fine. Don’t be such a baby!”
• A kid moping because the neighbor can’t play with them; the parent says, “It’s no big deal. You’re too sensitive!”
• A child is complaining that they don’t want to eat salad because they don’t like it; the parent says, “Yes, you do. It’s good for you!”
• A kid is struggling with math; the parent says, “You’re just lazy.”

We have all had bad days, and our kids have often strained our nerves to the point where we have said things we don't want to be proud of.

Even the best parents will show up on a continuum when they're most stressed. Feelings of tired and overwhelmed can lead to a short fuse, which may lend itself to some less-than ideal responses to certain situations.

Why parents need to stop gaslighting their kids

Over time, little invalidations can make a huge difference. The control that parents have in this situation can cause a lot of psychological damage to a developing brain. Kids are led to question their own sense of reality. Kids are told that their feelings are not valid, that they are not good enough, and that what they say is not true. That can be hard to understand.

Kids can grow up to become vulnerable adults with poor self-worth, which is a perfect setup for developing major mental health issues as well. Even small things can cause a spiral of mental illness if they are not taken care of.

Mental health issues can be caused by gaslighting. Kids who are gaslit in their childhood may struggle to form healthy relationships or be successful in their career because they have a poor view of themselves. We set children up to fail when we tell them how they feel instead of letting them figure it out on their own.

How to stop

It is easy to notice and modify gas lighting. Something that could be seen as gaslighting could be turned around with just a few changes. It is possible to start by observing and validation.

Kids want to know where they come from. Once they feel heard, the behavior or situation improves; instead of telling your child not to be a baby, just acknowledge: 'Oh, you fell!' That sounds really bad. Do you agree? Are you in need of Band-Aids? It is not necessary for you to agree that it was the worst injury ever. You don't want to say they're not feeling it. That isn't fair and it isn't right. Instead of looking at a situation from their perspective, look at it from the outside.