I Had An Abortion In My 40s. I'll Never Forget The Shocking Thing The Doctor Said To Me.

I didn't think my first abortion would be when I was in my 40's, married and a parent. I was in that situation when my test came back positive for the COVID-19 Pandemic.

After my period was late and then light, I realized I was in perimenopause.

I didn't know until I spit out a glass of wine. When I was pregnant with my first child, alcohol tasted like poison.

I took a test to find out if I'm pregnant. When we were able to administer weekly COVID tests ourselves, I would think about how similar they were to those used for pregnant women. I wondered why the indicator for COVID was two lines, while the indicator on my pregnancy tests were plus signs.

I only felt panic since my husband was excited when he heard the news. I had just returned from three months of remote school with my daughter. After being pushed out of my previous job because I was a mother, I started my own business. It became impossible for me to take maternity leave without losing a lot of income because of the flexibility and independence I had now.

Shouldn't these selfish reasons be in question? There aren't people raising kids with a lot of money.

I had an appointment with an OB- GYN. I couldn't take the subway to her office because she moved from downtown to the Upper West Side. I was able to walk to the local place. I was scared when I went to the doctor for the first time. I wore two masks. I was wearing gloves.

I was alone in the white room after changing into a hospital gown. My belly was covered with a liquid. I looked at the screen despite not wanting to.

The doctor said it was. The baby was said to be. I looked at the blob in my tummy. She said that she was proud of her mom. Six weeks is how long you are already.

I was given a black-and-white picture of my uterus by the doctor. There was a picture of my daughter on the fridge. I folded it up. I realized from the look on the doctor's face that she didn't know that a married mother with one child already, might not want to keep her baby during a H1N1 outbreak.

She told me that I would need a lot of bloodwork and weekly appointments since I was a geriatric pregnant woman.

I wonder how many times my friends and I made fun of that term while complaining about the gendered division of labor at home. The word gereriatric is derived from the Latin word gereria. The person is old. The time was at 41.

I don't know if I want to have a baby. I wanted to know.

I could tell she was uncomfortable because she was used to giving positive news in a shiny, clean office so she could deliver beautiful, bouncing babies in Park Slope who would have full-time nannies and be able to speak mandarin.

She didn't look at me. You have some choices.

Maybe she was correct, but I didn't want to burst her bubble. I told her I needed my bloodwork done that day.

Most of the women who choose to have an abortion do it so they can support a child that they already have, according to my research. Women have been making decisions like this since the beginning. I learned that the birthrate in the U.S. was falling and that many parents under the age of 50 were not interested in having more children.

On the way home from the doctor's office, I felt woozy from all the blood taken for my geriatric pregnancy, and I started to cry from behind my mask. I wouldn't be able to have this child. When I woke up in terror every night with an asthma attack and when people around me were suffocating because they couldn't breathe.

I asked my husband if he was happy.

He turned his face toward me. My husband looked like a boy with his frame and hair. No matter what, I will back you up. I was aware that he was imagining a baby. I was imagining it as well. Their cheeks were big. They have a beautiful smile.

It wasn't easy when I was pregnant. My daughter was having a hard time. There was meconium in me, and I had a high temperature. I didn't need a C-section because my OB-GYN saved my life.

I was very sick and we were afraid for my daughter. I was only allowed to hold her for a short time before she was taken to the intensive care unit.

The birth experience was frightening. We were told we might have to leave. We were able to leave the hospital with her in her carseat.

I tried to call the abortion provider out of my daughter's earshot but it was completely booked. I had to go back to the office that provided the image of my uterus and what would be my dead child.

I told them that I preferred the pill option. I knew that nothing would be easy and that it would all hang over me.

I wasn't aware of the risks but I was told about them. I knew that medication abortion was effective if it was administered correctly.

I was sent to the doctor's office by the nurse, which felt odd since I was going to the principal's office. The doctor will usually come to you.

A man is behind a desk. I was told to close the door.

He asked how we got here after I was seated. Someone like you would be more responsible. You should be aware of what's going on. This will never happen again if you return after this for an IUD.

I chuckled a lot. I felt my brain was separate from my body when he said that. I said it was responsible. I have a husband. I have a child. The pill is taken by me. I thought I was in the middle of something.

The doctor said that was not perimenopause. You are strong and youthful. This can happen again if you don't take more responsibility. It wasn't lost on me that I was told this after being called a geriatric pregnant woman.

I said, "You don't have to tell me this."

I was weighed down by the wordresponsible. I thought of all the forms I had to sign and the frantic work calls I had to take while my daughter was yelling for me down the hallway. I was to blame. I was careful with this decision.

The doctor gave me some pills after opening his drawer. He wrapped them in Kleenex and made me think it was a drug deal. He explained how to give them.

He wants you to be aware of the risks. Sometimes these don't work and you need to return.

I took the pills from him and shut the door because I was filled with rage. I wanted to leave and run away, but I had to pay my copay and schedule another appointment because I was responsible.

I went upstate with my family to give the pills. I would like to be with her. I looked at my husband.

I passed a clot after bleeding that night. No one wants to talk about the physical aspects of birth. There was blood. There is tissue. The scariest movie of all time.

I had to go back to that awful office the next week, wearing double-masks and gloves. I wore a hospital gown while disrobing. A woman in her 50's came in to check my uterus. She didn't have the same judgement as the others.

The news was bad. She apologized after she checked my uterus. There are still parts of you. We must arrange for a D and C.

Are you talking about what you mean? I said there were problems with blood clot.

The doctor apologized for his actions. WeTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkiaTrademarkia The procedure is the better option. People don't know the risks.

I would think about this when the Supreme Court decided to overturn the decision. I would think about all the women in states that made abortion illegal who were ordering pills online to end their pregnancies, and never thought they would be among the other 5%. What would they do after? Who would lend a hand? What are they going to do next?

My husband and daughter went with me to the D and C. I didn't want my daughter to go inside, but my husband was asked to go in to discuss some details and there was no other choice. She should be taken to the playground during the procedure. The doctor gave the anesthesia.

He said that they see it with the pills.

I agreed. I'm aware of that now.

The doctor said that you already have a kid. Why did you decide to do this?

I didn't say anything. He was attempting to accomplish something. It was too late to make a difference. I felt unwell when I woke up. They were waiting for me. I don't know if my daughter knows what happened. I don't know if I'll ever let her know. I don't know if she'll ever worry about being unwanted.

Two friends of mine had babies in the same month that I would have delivered them, so I was surprised when I found out they were pregnant. I would wonder why some women's experiences are harder than others, and I would hear about the 50-year-old PTA mom's miracle child that was the talk of the elementary school.

One of those friends had a baby a month after the overturn of the abortion law. She was less than two years old. My daughter and I held her hand and sang a song for her. I imagined the fierce, confident young women they would grow up to be when I watched them together. I wouldn't regret but I would feel sad and grief.

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