That is not the truth, Ellen.
What words have been more deserving of their own monument? The "How dare you?" speech is likely to have its supporters. A ten-story tall sculpture of Dakota Johnson surrounded by Christmas decorations is what We The People really deserve. It's possible that this is our modern Mount Rushmore. If we could find an artist who could capture the twinkle in Dakota's eye We needed a da Vinci here.
I know I'm not the only one who's obsessed with this moment in pop culture, but I'd like to point you in the right direction. Dakota is on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to promote her film The Peanut Butter Falcon. I would like to apologize for the reminder of Shia LaBeouf. Dakota comes out after Ellen introduces her in a red and black dress that perfectly matches the set's background of festive holiday decorations. If Dakota's outfit had clashed, would this moment have been so famous? I have doubts. She looked as if she was gay as a Christmas goose.
What was the event like? Ellen claimed that she wasn't invited.
Ellen is going to attack her immediately on her birthday. Dakota said that wasn't mine. She claims that Ellen gave her a lot of shit when Dakota was on the show about not being invited to the party. "I didn't know you liked me, so I extended an invite," Dakota said.
Ellen was taken aback by this reveal and the interview only got worse from there. Dakota turned to the audience and said, "This isn't going well." Do we feel it? It's an entire season of The Office that you can't help but cringe at.
We are very happy. It is hard to not feel guilty when assessing the wellspring of glee I still feel every year on Nov. 27. I don't think I'm prone to gossip and sensationalism. I don't watch Real Housewives because I don't like the spectacle of women in ball gowns. Why does this one ring a bell?
Credit: Ellentube screenshot
I admit I was a Dakotastan before she starred in the remake of Suspiria, which was my favorite film of the year. She is a genuine talent who has never failed to lift any project up by her presence. She was the best thing about the first Fifty Shades film. Jamie Dornan undoing his pants was one of the shots.
Dakota is given a degree of privilege many others don't have because of that nepo baby thing. Dakota has always managed to make movie stardom seem like a game she's playing with, even though she starred in one of the biggest movie franchises of the decade. She doesn't take it so seriously that she won't enjoy herself and she doesn't have to. Even as rumors of Ellen's cold backstage persona were so rampant, lots of stars had to bow down to Ellen's altar and play along, even as they'd never heard of her. Dakota didn't have to play along that day because we found out how many lower-totem people were steamrolled by Ellen. She was able to stand her ground against Ellen because she was able to get through doors people without connections did not get through.
It's clear that the interview is strained but amiable when you watch it again today. Ellen is clenching her fingers into her chair's armrests so hard you worry the cushions might split, but the twosome play it up for the audience and laugh through it. This is actually a case of what came next. Oh baby! It was a large amount.
Credit: Ellentube screenshot
Ellen missed Dakota's birthday party because she was at a football game with George W. Bush. It was so much that she was forced to address it with some malarkey about how reaching across the aisle will save us.
One of these moments on their own might have been forgotten, but like the Wonder Twins clapping themselves into formation, they set something bigger in motion. The thread started by Kevin T. Porter asking for stories of Ellen's long-whispered ill-repute went viral. That was followed by a report on the toxic workplace environment she had fostered. A year and a half after the show's 20th anniversary, The Ellen DeGeneres Show came to an end.
She was escorted out the door by a group of her friends. Dakota is nowhere to be found. The two of them had a good laugh about the big Ellen-phant in the room when she was on Drew Barrymore's show.
Ellen's impact on the community of which I'm a part can't be denied. I remember watching "The Puppy Episode" of my mom's show in 1997 and being very proud of Ellen coming out. The entertainment landscape for queer people has changed a lot in the 22 years since Ellen first appeared. More of us are here now. Doing all sorts of nice and not-nice things. Without Ellen, that wouldn't have happened.
Ellen might have left the people behind. Glad-handing with the man who tried to ban gay marriage was a big crack in the facade and it took one no-bullshit queen to come along and smash all those years of image-making to itty bitty bits.
Maybe some of the pleasure we felt was because we realized we didn't have to cling to every gay person who came along. Like all humans, we can be anything. This wasn't just a bunch of funny things. This was about embracing ourselves. My story is what I'm sticking to.
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