Emily Wilson was a contestant on the American version of the X Factor when she was a teenager. By the time she was a young comedian carving out a career in New York City, she was desperate to forget about her past.
Wilson thinks that she might have been exaggerating when she said she had buried the memories. She says that she knew it was shitty and that it affected her. She appeared on a TV talent show at the age of 15 and was treated brutally and dragged further into the competition. It was not possible to get a path to pop fame. She tried to put it in a box so she wouldn't return it. Wilson would shut it down and give stock answers if the topic came up. Eight months into therapy, Wilson mentioned it for the first time. Her therapist thought it was a good idea to have a conversation.
Wilson would have been the last person to predict that she would talk about her experience on stage. It's not possible to write and perform in a show about her time on the show and archive video clips. Wilson has done a great job in Fixed, which is coming to the Soho Theatre.
Wilson was unsure if he would be able to talk about it in public. I was embarrassed and humiliated. She knew there was trauma but never tried to explore it. You don't process childhood experiences when you bury them down as a child. You feel the same emotion when it comes up.
Wilson was only 45 minutes from New York City when she was a child. Wilson says he was a real kid on the video sharing site. I wanted to be famous. I was a child of the 90's. She and Austin formed a duet when they were teenagers. She says that they called themselves "ausem". All the time, we sang. I loved him but he was gay. I know... it's tragic. It's a classic!
The X Factor circus came to town in order to find a new member for the show. Is it possible to perform on national TV? They were desperate. You had to go through three stages before the judges. They loved us. They were saying that. They were smiling all the time.
Suddenly I sucked – in front of 10,000 people on national TV
Wilson thought her dreams were about to come true. Wilson believes that she and her teenage self were destined to take on the world. We were made to feel that way. The good news for Wilson was that Ausem had made it to the show.
There was a panel of celebrity judges and an auditorium of 10,000 people.
She says it was the biggest moment of her life when she and her friends got up to sing. The judges hated me. Made no secret of it. It was soul-destructive for a teen. Wilson remembers that his brain was full of information. I don't understand why they brought me here to do this. What had happened? I don't know if that means I was really awful. Ausem stood silently on stage for 45 minutes as their fate was decided.
Wilson has a lot of those memories blocked out. When you hear an earth- shattering revelation that blows up something you'd been made to believe before, it feels like you've been gaslit. She was turned upside down by the cameras. Wilson thought he was a good singer and was in the process of becoming a pop-star. Suddenly, I sucked. My world was falling apart in front of 10,000 people. Needless to say, no effort had been made to prepare these kids for harsh criticism or rejection.
Wilson paints a picture of a child having her innocence taken away. Wilson wants to downplay it so he can tell you that he's fine. I think it broke me.
How Wilson's time on the show was played is the most important thing to keep in mind. She made it to the live studio shows but neither Em nor Aus hit the big time. Wilson was the kid who used to be on TV for the rest of her high school days. She embraced her claim to fame, but also felt crushed by it. IInternalised the idea. I wouldn't be able to make it as a singer. It was over.
Wilson discovered standup at college. It made her feel good. She says she needs to control the narrative and make fun of herself. Comedy would not have appealed without the X Factor. She says that it made her funnier and pushed her into a nihilistic place.
In standup, I got to make fun of myself ahead of anyone else
Wilson tells this story in her musical comedy show Fixed. Wilson was nominated for a Best Newcomer Award at the Edinburgh Festival.
When her boyfriend's brother asked her about her time on television, the idea for the show was born. Those gathered were convinced that it could be the beginning of Wilson's first full-length show after she told the story. There is a post- Covid career crisis. The idea was really appealing. She was hesitant at the same time. Wilson said that he made himself safe in the standup world. It felt like the X Factor could endanger that. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to attempt it.
She knew it was the right decision when Wilson talked about the show. She says it was the most vulnerable she had felt. This was completely different than what I was used to up there. When you tell it straight, it's a funny story. Adding a few jokes is something that could be done. It made sense.
Wilson carved out space to reflect on how that period shaped her. She says she realized how it had affected her sense of humor, self-confidence and attitude to the future. It was easy to get the first few minutes of material. It was necessary to dig deeper to flesh out an hour.
Wilson says that he found himself detaching from the show. She slowly removed herself from the substance as attention focused on fine tuning it. She says that she was so focused on the little things that it became less about her feelings. She couldn't avoid them when she performed it in Edinburgh. Wilson was exhausted on the last night of the run. My voice cracked as I sang a line from the show. Wilson thinks something changed. The weight was finally removed. There is a 15-year-old girl in me. I felt a crack in my heart as I stood on my stage to redeem her.
Audience members chat with her after the show. She thought few would relate to her story. Many people regaled her with their own stories of anxiety and trauma. Wilson said that nearly all of us feel shame about who we were in the past. Even if they're on national television, you have to let them go.
Emily Wilson is at the Soho Theatre from January 12 to January 21.
All Rights Reserved © 2024
