American Airlines unveils plans to crack down on passengers enjoying their flight

David Seymour is the COO of American Airlines.

In a series of announcements timed to coincide with the release of the airline's new "Flagship Suites" offering, the COO unveiled a new strategy that will curb passenger enjoyment.

The new era in American Airlines travel is marked by today. Strict guidelines have been given to our employees to reduce passenger happiness. According to Seymour, flight crews and gate agents will be measured based on the number of negative interactions with passengers under the new guidelines.

Senior leadership was concerned about passenger satisfaction recently climbing to unheard of levels. With a record-high Net Promoter Score of -11 the airline's COO was forced to take dramatic action in order to bring passenger satisfaction back in line with brand norm.

Some of the new tactics the airline will use were highlighted in the press release.

• Reading the entire terms and conditions section of credit card announcements before forcibly handing an application to every passenger
• Randomly requiring passengers to use a physical boarding pass instead of a digital one
• Requiring at least three ultra-MAGA passengers to fly on every flight in full MAGA regalia
• Random waits on the tarmac for no apparent reason
• Leaving the lights on during all nighttime flights
• Intermittently disabling in-flight entertainment systems
• Playing the heavy metal band Lamb of God’s Omerta during the boarding process
• Timing gate agent break times to coincide with the arrival of planes that have been in the air for longer than 4 hours
• Allowing TikTokers to record videos
• Changing in-flight meals to five-alarm spicy Vindaloo
• Eliminating toilet paper in at least 2 onboard lavatories

Other airline CEO's are keeping a close eye on the measures before implementing their own joy reduction metric, according to reports.