I was riding my bike to work when I saw a man in flip-flops and shorts walking fast in the opposite direction. I thought it was odd that anyone would be out in the cold in those clothes, but I didn't think much of it. The cars in front of me stopped suddenly as the little terrier ran across the road. A woman in a raincoat is talking to a dog. I wondered why she let her dog go off the lead on a busy street.
I worked out what I had seen while I was on the bike. That's right! The dog was not referred to as "Poochy". She was named "Lola" She belonged to the man in shorts and flip-flops. The man was looking for the woman after she escaped.
The dog could have been restored to its owner by me. It would have been thoughtful to do that. I didn't I went on a bike ride.
A common issue with kindness is that we are hesitant to do the right thing. The reason I didn't go back was not because I was unkind or thoughtless, but because I didn't think I was good enough. I was concerned about how my intervention would be seen. Would the woman in the raincoat think I was trying to steal the dog since I didn't know him? I told myself that other people would probably step in to help by now. Wouldn't it be embarrassing to go back up the road, just as the man in shorts went back up the road.
I think that my hesitancy in this case probably didn't matter. Chances are that the dog and shorts-man are going to be back together. I could have helped him save some time.
In my book, The Keys to Kindness, I draw on the world's largest in-depth study into kindness, the Kindness Test, which I worked on with a team led by Professor Robin Banerjee at the University of SUSsington. More than 60,000 people from around the world took part. Participants answered questions about their levels of kindness, their perception of kindness in the workplace and more. The main obstacle to carrying out more kind acts is not that we don't care, but that our actions may be misinterpreted. I would call myself a hesitant helpers. I don't want to be a saint, but I want to be kind if I can and I'm not alone in being held back by a fear that my offer of help might not be welcomed.
I worried I might cause mild offence or embarrass myself
This isn't a completely baseless fear. Someone I know who is blind says that he doesn't dare slow down as he passes a pedestrian crossing because if he does, someone has dragged him to the other side of the road even though he didn't want to Ask someone if they want help before you act. Don't think they do.
The bigger issue is that we are too afraid of how our actions will look to other people to act kindly. There is a concern that we will be seen as a "do-gooder" or a "virtue signaller". The Covid-19 Pandemic resulted in one instance of this. When it comes to the wearing of face masks in crowded places, it has been seen as a way to show off a sense of superiority. The result is that people who are willing to put up with a mask sometimes don't.
Since discussing the topic of kindness, I have been looking at the work of the University of Sussex academic. She discovered that talking to strangers can be an act of kindness, even if you don't know them. She asked people to talk to strangers and found that in most cases both parties reported improved wellbeing and a boost to their moods. It doesn't mean that every person you sit next to on a train will be happy if you start talking to them If you are in a shop or waiting for a bus, why not say something? If they don't want to talk, you could be embarrassed. I feel like so what. You won't see them again. It is possible that they will like it.
The second most common barrier to kindness was not having the time. It wasn't surprising that a lot of people said this. Data can be our guide here. It doesn't have to be huge. If you don't have the time to train for a marathon or volunteer at your local Hospice, you can still do small acts. The top five ways that people said they were kind weren't huge. They included opening doors and picking up dropped items.
In the study, 34% of people said they had received an act of kindness within the last day, and 16% said they had received one within the last hour.
I am trying to do more of these small things now that I am doing kindness research. I try hard to listen when I'm having conversations with people and if I think someone has done something I admire, I email them to say so. These things don't take a lot of time.
I try to do little things – like help a neighbour with her shopping
I want to get rid of the embarrassment. I am more likely to go for it in situations where I can do a kind thing. We sometimes think that there is more kindness in the world than it actually is. I am more likely to ask if I can help if I see an elderly neighbour who is having a hard time shopping. It is possible that they think I am making ageist assumptions. I could cause offense or embarrassment. Does that matter in the big picture? I would like to think that my intentions will be taken care of.
I took a cake to work on my birthday. Two security guards at the front door commented on the cake on their way in and one said that lemon drizzle cake was his favorite. There was a lot of cake going spare when I got to the office. I had the idea of wrapping the slices in tissue and taking them to the security guards. Would they think that was silly or awkward because they aren't supposed to eat on duty? I made the decision to do it. Sometimes we have to take risks in order to be kind. They were very happy.
I will make the effort to get her back to her owner if I ever see her running in the street again.
The Keys to Kindness is available from guardianbookshop.com for just over fifteen dollars.
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