How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

People who start a relationship expect the relationship to align with their life goals. "Do you want kids?" is one of the basics that many of us make sure to learn. During the dating stage, do you want to get married or not? I don't just mean having sex and thinking "Yep, that's good sex", I'm talking about sexual compatibility. Sexual compatibility goes far beyond that.

If the two of you prefer sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex, are both good at sexual communication, and enjoy the same amount of time together, then you might be compatible.

When you first start having sex, it is a good idea to say "Hey, I'm into rough sex." What do you think? If you tried, would you like it? You should bring that up if there is something you haven't tried that has been on your mind for a long time.

This doesn't mean that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure, just that it should tick everyone's boxes on the first try. That is pretty unlikely. If any of your partner's answers to your sexual compatibility questions are cringe-worthy, it doesn't mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are capable of changing their minds. Things can get complicated when we have our no-nos and dealbreakers.

This is why it is so important that you don'tgloss over this chat and don't end up with too much Kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

Don't worry if you didn't take the first sexual compatibility course. It's better than ever.

Don't assume your partner is "vanilla" because, so far, you've mostly done missionary. You can't tell if they're into it if you haven't talked about it before. Try not to make assumptions about what their reaction will be as you lead into the discussion.

If you want to talk about sex with your partner, you should schedule some time together. It's a good idea to have this conversation outside of the bedroom. This could be a good place to talk if you hang out in the living room a lot.

When talking to our partners about introducing Kink into the relationship, we shouldn't focus on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, according to Jean.

She says that just leading with certain activities is limiting. If we jump in with a specific situation, there isn't much room for compromise.

She says to talk about the goals or feelings you're after. It's possible that I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn't want me to hit him. We can find a way to punish me. She says words like "figure things out" can help you communicate. You are doing this with each other. It isn't just a case of getting off a 'yes' or 'no' list.

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It does happen. It's not right to shame or try to change the people. It's possible that they're just super into the simpler side of sex, or that they're just old fashioned. Everyone else's style of sex is their own.

Jean says the most important thing is that you understand your desires don't overrule your partner's comfort She says that even if your partner loves you more than you love them, you still want to have sex with them.

They are just desires. When you can act on them in the relationship depends on how your partner views them.

Jean encourages you to see if your partner is willing to give it a try if it is important to you. Don't try to get them to do something. Maybe that relationship isn't for you if they aren't into it at all or if they don't like it at all.

Jean doesn't believe that sexual compatibility is innate. She says that it's not about chemistry or attraction, it's the ability to listen, understand, and respond.

The next moves are up to the person who is comfortable with what they are exploring. She says it may take patience. It took you time, trial and error to figure things out, if you've figured out you're Kinky. Your partner should be given the same amount of freedom.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

If the two of you are interested in the same thing, you can open your relationship. It's not a reason to have more relationships if someone isn't getting what they want out of a relationship. You should not be monogamous because your partner isn't meeting your needs.

A lot of people think that opening the relationship is the only way to stay together if you don't like the same things. There are many ways in which you can be monogamous.

It's possible to explore Kinks alone. Sex isn't necessary for exploration if you're into wax play, shibari, or nipple play. You can either restrict yourself, deny yourself, impose a reward system, or even do sensation play on yourself." This is a great way to get to know someone else.

What about hiring a helping hand? 

You can hire a sex worker to teach you how to have sex. Jean says hiring a professional is good if you want to stay monogamous but involve someone else. You can work with the expert separately or as a couple, because there is a professional boundary there. You can explore with someone who knows what they are doing and how to practice safely.

One way a professional can come in is if your partner doesn't want to be involved in the sex life but still enjoys it. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things and figuring out what is comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

You don't have to split up if you and your partner don't agree on what sex looks like. You shouldn't expect someone else to compromise beyond your limits. It is a good idea to have an honest conversation and be aware of each other's needs. It is important to remember that no one has failed even if the outcome is for you two. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes, or stays the same, these are the choices you have made to protect each other. Partners should do that.