Annie had to work out how to flirt with women after changing her name. She was so bad at flirting that her girlfriend didn't know she liked her until she kissed her.
There is more than one Annie. Bi and pansexual women don't know how to flirt with women when they're first coming out. Megan te Boekhorst was cautious and slow when she first started flirting with women.
Megan hid her queer identity while growing up in a conservative town in America. She would flirt with women at high school, but they always thought she was a girl. In a patriarchal society, it's common for the attraction of queers to diminish.
Bisexual people like Megan are harmed by the idea that women just kiss women. I have a few memories of flirting with a woman, thinking it's going well, and getting that excited, happy feeling you get when you think there's a spark there
"In my own university years, I internalised the stereotype that women can only be interested in women to impress men."
These women were trying to get the attention of a guy they fancied. I hated it when I was being used to get the male's attention. It is more difficult for me to flirt with women in the fear of them being straight.
I thought that women were only interested in women to impress men when I was a student. I thought I was doing it to impress the men when I kissed the same female friend on multiple occasions. I didn't admit to myself that I had a huge crush on her and other women because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't know what to think. I was attracted to these women, but I was not interested in being interesting.
The first thing to do was come out. I had grown tired of admiring women, nonbinary people, and AFAB people from a distance. I wanted to take action on my attraction. Dating women feels like a whole other ball game, one where you don't know the rules, let alone who's playing or whether you're allowed on the pitch, when you've only been with acis men.
When trying to understand the psychology of other queer women and adjusting to something new, anxiety can bubble up, according to Callisto Adams, PhD.
We all know how to follow heterosexual dating script. It's scary to act on your sexuality. Biphobia and bi-erasure in society sends the message that male presenting bisexual people are gay while female presenting bisexuals are straight. It's no wonder that we are nervous when flirting with women because our sexuality is often seen as just a phase. When you don't know how to be friendly, how do you flirt with a lady?
Angelika Koch, who works as a "happiness and relationship expert" for Taimi deals with nervous bisexual clients all the time who ask her, "How do you approach a woman?" I didn't talk myself out of it. They're in bisexual purgatory because they don't know how to hit on women. It's possible to break free from purgatory by learning flirting 101.
Koch says that if you still get tongue-tied at the sight of a beautiful woman, treating it as a friendship can remove some of the pressure.
Getting to know them first can make you feel familiar, so you can move it forward. Have a good time with it. Don't make her sad. Understand her as a person. You don't need to talk about how much you fancy each other for a long time.
"Good flirting is always respectful."
Do you feel nervous? Let her know! Koch says that it can be a good thing to say that to a woman. It's like being on a date, and you're so nervous. She said to you that she thought you were beautiful.
Women are used to being objectified by strangers so it's good to compliment who they are. Koch states that good flirting is always respectful.
Adams reminded us of the basics of good flirting. She says to try to understand what you are feeling at the moment and what would appeal to another woman.
It's important that consent is sexy. If you want to kiss them, you need to look at one eye and then the lips for a few seconds. Koch said this lets them know you're interested. You can gauge the reaction by asking, "I want to kiss you, Is that ok?" or "I'm not going to kiss you until you give me consent." Trust is built by taking the guess work out of it.
I friendzoned myself with women I liked, but settled for what I was used to. When I told a woman I wanted to hang out with her, I realized I didn't have to resign myself to friendship. It's difficult to make this shift. How do you tell other women that you're not going to compliment them in a drunk girl-in-the-toilet way?
Annie thinks it's easy to convince yourself that a female friendship is just friends.
Megan has felt confused as a flirt. "Unconditional support for your fellow woman is great until you know if a woman is flirting or just being kind."
According to the TikTok girlies, it's all about intention and inflection. It's recommended to lower the register of your voice when you compliment someone. You want to do less "oh my gosh, you're really pretty" and more "WOW, you look great tonight."
You don't need to go to Miss Smooth Talker if you spot someone you like. Koch suggests that you start slowly and give them a drink. When you feel confident, a simple direct question will go down a treat. Koch says to try something like "'I've really enjoyed talking to you.' I would like to give you my phone number.
Texting can be used to create a flirtatious vibe. Adams says to send a short text that's funny and light-hearted.
Koch says to focus on the classic flirting signals, which look like blushing, touches, and extended eye contact, if you can't figure out if she's being nice or flirtatious.
Adams says that you should treat them differently than the other people.
People sometimes flirt and don't mean anything. Babies can be scared of flirting with a straight woman.
Asking them is the only way to know if someone is gay. Koch suggests joining a dating app, where it's almost a guarantee that people you swiped past want to date women. I was able to take the first step because I knew they wanted to date me, and I was attractive. Gay, lesbian or queer bars are great for virtual dating.
Annie realized that her profile had been geared towards what men find attractive when she opened her preferences to women. Straight profiles had more pictures of women with plants than queer ones.
It felt like there was a different way to look at it. She said that she doesn't have to be the hottest version of herself at all times. She made her profile more authentic after college.
She had never done a date with a girl before. If you are used to waiting for the guy to lead, flirting with women is a chance to break with convention. The convention can be referred to as a heterosexual dating script. Men chase women. You've always been pursued. It is possible to get rid of these scripts.
Men make the first moves. They plan the dates and flirt more assertively than women do.
These generalisations are no longer relevant. Even if we don't subscribe to the biologically determinist model of gender, these gender performances are still hard to break away from. Koch says that relationships with two women lead to power struggles.
In her paper titled " Bisexuals'Doing Gender' in Romantic Relationships", Suzanne Pennington concluded that even in bi relationships where there is flexibility about gender performances, negotiations are made. The ambiguous social location of bisexuality made this happen.
Bisexual people are used to falling into a dynamic where one person is in charge and the other is submissive. The research was done over a decade ago. Our expectations of others are driven by gender differences.
Megan thinks that men are more likely to flirt with. It's not hard to tell when a man is flirting with you. I'm in my 30's and don't know if my flirting is being reciprocated.
Women and men flirt differently. Men would compliment me or flirt with me. I would say "No, not me." The only thing I had to do was that. She says that it's a two-way conversation now. You don't have the crutches of societal construction to fall back on.
Annie and her girlfriend decided to be two people in a relationship instead of being a couple. Annie felt more at ease because she didn't have a script to follow. Pennington concluded that a lack of a script can either be seen as stress or freedom.
"Exploring your sexuality is as scary as it is exciting, especially if you've denied that part of yourself for a long time."
If we removed gender from the equation, who would you be?
Koch says that if you've been taught to be passive and submissive, and just to let someone chase after you, but you've wanted to be the one to ask them on a date, then you don't. You know that you're more of a leader. It's time to embrace that.
If you're the one to suggest dates, you might find that the woman you're flirting with likes being pursued, and you're comfortable taking the lead. Or the other way around. You could change roles.
If you've kept your sexuality a secret for a long time, it's frightening to explore it. Women aren't always mysterious. You know what kind of flirting comes across badly when you're a woman and you have female friends. Don't allow yourself to be disrespectful or cringey. She is a human before she becomes a woman.
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