My Assistant Thinks She's My Peer

Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues, from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team.

The assistant does her job well. We are similar in age, and that makes her speak more candidly with me. It seems that she forgets I'm the one with final say when she asserts herself in projects so much that she borders on rude. Sometimes her ideas aren't feasible or wouldn't work for our company because she is very new to this industry. She volunteers to do work on projects that no one has asked for, or phrases her ideas as something we're going to do without asking for feedback.

I have an incredibly demanding workload and going back and forth with her on projects is starting to create more work for me. I don't know how to tell someone they are being too assertive.

Making it clear to someone that you have authority over them is one of the best ways to do that.

You are not doing her any favors by allowing this behavior to continue. It's likely to get her in trouble with someone who isn't so nice at future jobs, and that's before the bigger point, which is that it's getting in the way of the work you've hired her to assist you with.

You can either sit her down and talk about it or you can try to get her to stop doing it. I'm generally a fan of addressing the big picture, but you may be able to get the results you want just by being more transparent in the moment.

• When she argues with you how you plan to proceed on a project, look visibly surprised and say, "I've actually made the decision to do X, so let's discuss how we're going to move forward with that."
• If she send you emails disagreeing with your ideas, ask her to come talk to you in person and then say this: "I'm a little taken aback by your email. I understand that you had a different idea, but I'm planning to do it differently and need you on board with that. Can you do that?"
• If she's rude when you correct her or ask her to do something differently, say this: "That response really concerns me. I need to be able to ask you to do things differently and have you take it in stride. Is everything okay?" (If what she said was openly rude, change that last part to, "I can't let you talk to me or anyone else here that way.")
• If she phrases an idea as something you're 100% going to do when she hasn't run it by you, say this: "Let's talk about that before you do anything definite with it. I'd want to hear more before okaying it."

Managers should be willing to listen to employees' ideas, hear dissent, and so on. In this case, you have someone who's unclear on the boundaries of her role, and so clearly calling out those boundaries might prompt her to realize that she's overstepping, even if it doesn't.

If you don't see a change when you do this a few times, then you should name the pattern you are seeing. I would like to talk about how we work together. I need you to be clear on our roles on the projects we are working on together. I don't want you to argue or be short with me when I make a different choice than you wanted. When I correct your work or ask you to do something different, I need you to accept that, not be mean. I need you to understand that I'm in charge of these projects and will be calling the shots. Is it possible that you could do that?

If that doesn't result in a dramatic change, you have to consider whether she will be able to function effectively in the job. Say what you're seeing and ask for a change.

Do you want to ask a question of your own? It should be sent to alison@askamanager.org