I was raised not to speak to people who weren't my friends. I was taught from a young age that strangers are people we have never met before. When I was a child, I would have been horrified to know that I frequently engage with complete randoms. I am talking about shop staff who ask me how my day is going, only to be met with a very honest, over-sharing response. I'm talking about the way that social media apps have evolved to make a response, how my thumb double-taps a metronome as I scroll, giving iambic rhythm to the red hearts that pulse before my eyes. How do my online friends compare to the ones I have in person?
I am not alone in counting people I’ve met online as friends, but do these friendships match those we have in person?
The time-poor, emotionally guarded side of me likes the ease of making online connections that can't be duplicated offline. Are you going to follow? Follow back and complete the job. I don't think I'm part of anything that looks like Taylor Swift's #squadgoals, a term often used to describe her large yet intimate circle of friends. I have no idea how to get a squad. Making friends as an adult is more difficult than when we were kids according to Dr. Franco. Children in school have what sociologists consider the essential ingredients for friendship to happen organically. We don't have environments with those elements because we are more guarded and less vulnerable at work.
I value the ability to connect with like minded people without the strain of social gatherings, yet there is always the risk that online connections can be shallow, missing the authenticity that comes with being vulnerable and unguarded. "Social-media projection allows us to hide the truth of our real selves and thus impede real connection." Sometimes it is the polite thing to laugh at a joke in person, even if it is a bad joke. A deeper connection can be formed when a joke lands and laughter erupts.
Being online makes it easier to be inauthentic, but sometimes the distance that is built into our online interactions gives people the courage to express themselves. Emma Reed Turrell says, "You have the opportunity to show up online as yourself, so there's a real permission that comes for online friendship to automatically self-select the groups you want to follow and be there in ways you want to be there." I put together my social-media feed to reflect my values and interests. I can gauge the amount of common ground this person and I may share based on my online knowledge of a person's political views, sense of humor, taste in music, etc.
Para social relationships are a term sociologists used in the 1950s to describe a phenomenon where a person feels close to a celebrity. A sense of affinity that isn't reciprocated is a danger. If you follow someone who posts pictures of their home, their holidays, moments of triumph and heartbreak, and begin to empathise with them, you may be able to understand them. They might refer to their followers as friends. This person doesn't know you exist and doesn't follow you back.
Is there any relationship that is reciprocated? If we met in person, I would ask my online friend, "Do you think we'd still get on?" Both of us agreed we would. We have a lot in common and have been open and honest with each other. Even though there is a level of effort that goes into maintaining any friendship, it is easier online. All the time, I'm online. It's so easy to check in.
There are different expectations for online friends. I'm more aware of the fact that a virtual friend lives outside of our friendship. My online friends can pick up their phone and then put it back down after I'm done with them. This does not diminish the value of our friends. It can be comforting to know that support isn't always there. It's possible that the distance baked into these interactions makes it easier for people to reach out at times of need.
Having a chance to communicate online is a force for good for people who live with disabilities. My adolescence and childhood were in an analogue world. Younger generations are born into a world that is easy to navigate with a touch screen. This shift doesn't eliminate loneliness. A survey in the US found that a quarter of young people couldn't name a single friend, while a survey in the UK found that 16 to 24 year olds were the most lonely.
Difficult questions about the nature of friendship can be raised when connecting with strangers online. She is involved in quite frank and personal online interactions because of the content she shares about faith and mental health. She says that a girl reached out to her online after watching one of her videos. I don't think of her as a friend because I wouldn't describe her as one.
Online friends can have their limitations if they don't interact with one another. It's easy to play up or down your responses based on the symbols you use. I like using exclamation marks. It is how I convey to the person reading my message that I am interested in what they are saying, but I know close friends who write more bluntly.
Dr Franco says that social media discourages us from taking more risks, which contributes to loneliness. The problem of this pseudo connection is that we have something else to do that makes us feel connected. It doesn't give us the full strength of our connection. Over time, the connections I made felt shallow because so many people were liking or commenting on my posts, but I was missing a deeper connection.
Ask yourself, what have I learned from these online relationships that I can take to my offline relationships?
The low expectations and distance of online friends make them feel safer since I may have an avoidant attachment style. I am fortunate to have close friends who aren't online, so they can benefit from the variety of both online and offline friends, while knowing where the boundaries are for me personally. If online friends inform our offline relationships, it can work. I want to know what I have learned from these online relationships that I can take to my offline relationships.
I agree with Emma Reed Turrell that you don't have to be with someone to connect with them and that being in someone's company doesn't mean you're connecting I have two children at home who are old enough to have their own phones and laptops, and I tell them never to speak to strangers online, even if they are acquaintances. I unlocked my phone and sent a message to the author of the book that I loved so much that I wanted to connect with them.
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