Beads?!

The top-rated chess player in the world, Magnus Carlsen, 31, lost to 19-year-old chess whiz Hans Niemann at the Sinquefield Cup. Here's a brief recap of the events.

  • Carlsen withdrew from the remainder of the tournament, something he rarely ever does without genuine reason.
  • Carlsen tweeted a 2020 clip of former Tottenham manager José Mourinho, implying that Niemann was cheating during their match.
  • Other chess grandmasters came to Carlsen’s defense, analyzing the match and coming to the conclusion that foul play was likely involved.
  • Tournament officials checked Niemann for devices on his person at the tournament the following day. Nothing was found

Everybody was asking the question of how. How do you play chess? It would be obvious. There were many theories on the internet. An electronic system under Niemann's clothes gave him the best move to counter each Carlsen move. Where would he place the device? What are his shoes? What about his pants?

He has a balloon knot.

The joke started on the r/chess subreddit and has since been taken down. Carlsen had been using vibrating anal beads as a way to get the best moves for a long time. Carlsen knew he was cheating because he had been using the same tactics for a long time.

Image for article titled Chess and vibrating anal beads?

The joke was a good one, a hardy HA-HA from the chess community, but after several streamers started playing along with the joke, keeping the bit alive, the chess community started to run with it.

The streamer in the video above is clearly making fun of the theory, but it's not clear if it's actually being proposed. The video of Niemann being checked by tournament representatives at the Sinquefield Cup clearly shows that the tournament officials didn't bother to look at his derriere. A place that no one would be willing to look at is a good place to hide a device. I think it is genius. We should have been expecting more from a chess grandmaster.

The theory has taken off despite the initial point of the post.

It is ludicrous. I know people will do anything to win, but is that really how bad some people want to be? Some people are willing to put beads up their anal cavity in order to capture their opponent's queen quicker and say the word "checkmate" four moves sooner than before. The 19 year old is highly doubtful.

It's not clear whether or not Niemann was actually cheating. It is difficult to ignore all the accusations being thrown at Niemann. After his match with Carlsen, Niemann called out some grandmasters for suggesting that he might have been cheating.

There will be thousands of chess enthusiasts wondering whether or not he plays chess against some of the best players in the world with vibrating beads up his asshole until there is definitive proof that he wasn't cheating. There are worse situations to be in.

This theory is nonsensical. Good night, people!