After climbing into a fish-finger freezer because of a seemingly catastrophic breakdown, I started using HRT patches. My mental health wasn't good. I lost my sense of self when I felt completely out of my skin. I told a therapist that I was related to Mrs Dalloway. She suggested that the feelings could be related to perimenopause, a term I hadn't heard of before. She told me that perimenopause can take up to a decade before it ends.
My GP gave me low-dose HRT patches and described the side-effects as minimal in most people. She said that some women experience pain in their breasts but this usually settles down. I hoped the patches would make me feel better and make me feel less sad.
I was surprised when I started thinking about sex all the time after I put on the patch. I was completely confused by this midlife sexual awakening. It wasn't right to be obsessed with sex at midlife. Lust and desire would leave me with other things. Susie Orbach describes the decline of youth and beauty as a source of grief and shock. The menopause comes just as we need all our strength to cope with daily life.
I had a burning body and a mind like an erotic playground
I was walking around with a burning body and mind that was like an erotic playground. I wasn't sure what was going on. The narrative of sex in the Kingdom of the Young and the Kingdom of the Well has been spoon fed to me. While signs of physical aging are downplayed in leading actors, who regularly take the roles as still vigorous and desirable characters, everything I have ever seen on television or in films shows that.
There was nothing sexy about the fact that older women were not on our screens. I was starting to experience some of the symptoms that can affect women's sex lives at midlife, and 42 was clearly not a good time. I was raging against the idea that I was done with desire. I was surrounded by love, with a rich life full of friends and interests, but the side effects of my HRT patches reminded me that I wanted a romantic relationship as well.
It wasn't easy to understand the links between sexuality and aging. I was single when all this began and navigating dating as my body and mind fell apart in dramatic ways. Helen Fisher suggests in her book Why We Love that dating is not necessarily about honesty but novelty, excitement and even danger, which can increase dopamine levels in the brain.
It appealed to my younger self, who wanted to be anyone but me, but in my 40s I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. Esther Perel calls it "into-me-see" when she says she wanted the true intimacy that comes with being open. I knew that a dating profile that said a woman with hair loss and vaginal dryness was looking for a partner for fun times was not going to get a lot of hits.
I projected a shinier version of myself to someone who projected a shinier version of themselves when I was online. It wasn't real. I wasn't interested in hookups. I was too intense to find a partner who would accept my vulnerable, raw, full self and not be deterred by my perimenopausal symptoms.
Is it a good time to find a new partner and then be naked in front of them? I felt weird and embarrassed by my body and felt like a bad person. She wrote, "Anything you think is wrong with your body at the age of 35 will beNostalgia by the age of 45." I was wondering if I missed the romantic relationship boat. I wondered if I should give up on the idea of a sex life and just try gardening. Then I remembered.
I used to work in a care home when I was a student nurse. Edith was one of the residents. The majority of the people in the home were elderly. They didn't do much other than sit in the television room due to their physical needs. Edith wasn't included. I remembered her laugh and the glint in her eye. She wore leopard-print shoes and bright lipstick. One evening, we did a pub quiz for the residents and Edith sat with her team, Gareth and Frank, two gentlemen who had a lot of health issues, which made them reliant on the care home staff. It was great to see their faces light up when they realized they had won the lottery.
Edith's bedroom door was locked while I was doing the tea and coffee rounds. I began to fear the worst. It was not uncommon for someone to die in that area. I pushed open the door and Edith was still alive. She was laughing in bed and sitting up. She was not the only one. Also semi-naked, were the two men in her bed.
Edith was sexually liberated at 95 years old. My relationship with sex and everything else is changing fast at midlife. Being comfortable in your own skin is what it is about. It feels radical and liberating that we are seeing a change in our attitudes towards aging. It feels like an important change to see older characters being sexy on screen.
When I stopped obsessing, or looking outward, or looking at all, I did find romantic love
Isabel Allende said in her Ted Talk that she felt sexy and good inside. No one else sees that. I'm aware of that. Maybe all of society is beginning to see that. It is a beautiful truth that desire and sex can be found in both the Kingdom of the old and the Kingdom of the sick. Sex is good for many people, like Edith, who enjoy it. Maybe it becomes less about the body and more about the soul.
I was too intense and confronting to date, but with the help of HRT, therapy and a deep dive into selfhood, I was able to love myself more. I found romantic love when I stopped looking and looked at everything else. We've been together for 18 months. He loves me the same way I do. It's frightening. He is teaching me about love. Edith reminded me of what is possible as we get older. Edith is very similar to me. It's almost prudish. Her sexuality was about having fun. Sex is seen as a spiritual act, two people seeing inside each other, a flicker of something intensely and uniquely human, a flash of humanity. We are both correct. Everything is going to be great.
There are changes to some names. Quilt on Fire: The Messy Magic of Midlife was published by Vintage and is available for sale. You can buy it at guardian bookshop.com.
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