Roger wants people to like him. It's something I hear from leaders when they make unpopular decisions. And it's correct. Everyone wants to be liked.
In order to be liked, leaders must be nice. Being nice all the time means having negative feelings, tuning out your needs, quietly resenting others, and sometimes exploding. It's difficult for other people to know what's good with you.
Some leaders are not nice. It's kind? I agree. The person is friendly? It's definitely true. The person is compassionate? It's definitely true. It's nice. It is not possible to say yes. Sometimes do not be nice. Nice leaders don't hold healthy boundaries. They don't fight and give in when they need to.
Amare love-powered leaders have the skills to hold boundaries, have hard conversations, and deal with conflict. They need to show their hard and soft sides at the same time. There is a document on balanced love-powered leadership.
How does your desire to be liked affect your leadership style?
Does being nice sometimes compromise your effectiveness?
Are you in balance?
Identify your beliefs about being nice. Fill in these blanks: I learned that being nice is _____________. When I am nice _____________. Nice people _____________. Now ask yourself if these beliefs still serve your organization and highest self.
Watch your "nice" patterns. Notice the situations in which you tend to be inauthentically nice. Write down: a) what triggers you, b) what story you made up about it, and c) what might happen if you were authentic instead.
Find your right labels. Consider how you want your positive soft side to be described (other than "nice"). Caring? Warm? Thoughtful? Now consider how you want your harder side described. Strong? Direct? Resilient? Start to use these preferred labels to think about and describe yourself to others.
Take little steps and experiment. Play with being direct but not solicitous, authentic but not cold, all while still staying connected. Start simply with your texts and emails, looking at how you use emoticons and exclamation points.
A culture of nice. Assess your organizational culture for how "nice" is treated. Notice if it is conditional or expected at all times, rewarded or punished, and equitable at all levels. Notice other related behaviors, like dealing with conflict, too.
Being nice isn't an effective leader trait. To be an authentic, balanced, love-powered leader, you must respect your emotions, be honest, and keep healthy boundaries.
