Many of the qualities you wouldn't find in a narcissist are required for good parenting.
As a psychologist who studies the effects of narcissism in family relationships, I have noticed that many of them are on the increase.
It isn't about forcing extracurricular activities on your children, it's about being a good parent. It is one of the most harmful ways to raise your children.
You might not know that a parent is a bad person. The signs are similar.
When their child scores the winning goal or gets a big part in the school play, they will loudly flaunt their accomplishments. They may brag online or bring up their child's talent in conversation.
The parent is detached and disinterested in their child unless something involves their child's achievements. They often shame their child's need for connection or validation, and see them as a way to fulfill their own needs.
When a person feels disappointed or frustrated, they tend to be angry and aggressive. If they think their child is being critical or defiant, they can react in a variety of ways.
The feelings of others can make people uncomfortable and they may have contempt for them. They might shame their child into not sharing their emotions at all with phrases like, "Get over yourself, it wasn't that big of a deal," or, "Stop crying and toughen up."
Sometimes adults need to put real-world issues first, like a late shift or chores taking up an entire afternoon. Children are expected to make sacrifice so that their parents can have what they want.
If the parent likes sailing, then they must take their children to sail every weekend.
Parents with a high degree of personality can be very intrusive. They won't interact with the child if they don't feel appreciated.
They may ask probing questions or be critical of their child in a way that leaves the child feeling self-conscious, such as commenting on weight, appearance or other attributes.
Parents with a high IQ play favorites or triangulate. It's possible that they have a golden child who they compliment too much and speak badly about another child in the family.
Children can feel unsafe due to this. They may believe that they need to impress the parent in order to stay out of trouble.
People with a need to feel perfect have the tendency to shirk responsibilities for their own mistakes. They can be cruel when they're criticized.
Some parents will say, "It's your fault that I am so tired," or "I could have had a great career if I didn't have to deal with you."
Children of narcissistic parents internalize these comments and begin to self-blame.
A child needs to take care of their parents at a young age.
The parent can be very controlling in adulthood. I fed and clothed you so now you owe me. Children of narcissists are expected to provide care and support in the future.
Don't worry if you find yourself related to any of the traits above. We all have levels of self-involvement. There are a number of ways you can change your mindset.
Don't say "That's not the case" if they say "You're always angry at me" This will only make them confused. Are you interested in talking about it? Are you happy?
It is possible to avoid forced forgiveness. Forced forgiveness only fosters self-blame and confusion in the child, as the parent pushes their bad behavior under the rug.
Therapy is a great place to explore your parenting attitudes and tendencies.
Dr. Durvasula is a psychologist and founder of LUNA Education. She is the author of "Don't You Know Who I am: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility" and "Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist."
Don't miss anything.
All Rights Reserved © 2024
