The author is relaxing. The photo is courtesy of Louise Slyth.
At a wedding a few years ago, I was talking to someone else. I was asked if I had children. She asked if I felt like less of a woman.
The idea of conflating womanhood with the ability and desire to reproduce is sexist and transphobia. The many different ways to create a family are ignored by those who say these things.
I get this kind of judgement all the time because I am a married woman in my 40s.
I have developed a thick skin over the years, but this one made me cringe. I am a woman who is rarely at a loss for words, but I stared at this woman and made an excuse and walked away.
I don't feel less but I'm tired of being made to feel less
I am tired of these questions, I am tired of being on the defensive, and I am tired of people feeling uncomfortable when my life choices don't justify theirs.
I could retire tomorrow if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me an inappropriate question or said a bad word. I've heard them all, from "If you were a mom you would understand" to "Who will look after you when you get old?"
The condom was invented more than 5000 years ago. Men produce millions of sperm each day, compared to women who only release a few eggs a month. There are some promising lines of research that could lead to a product in the next five to 10 years.
The road to becoming a mother is not hard for some people. It is full of obstacles and difficulties for some. Some people decided that the road wasn't for them. It feels like we still have a long way to go when it comes to how we are seen.
People still seem to find it socially acceptable to ask very personal questions, like "Why don't you have children?" with no thought as to whether that question might cause pain.
I am aware of several women who have suffered silently through the agony of multiple miscarriages, and have been asked inappropriate questions. I don't think I would be able to ask if they were having financial difficulties. The incredibly personal topic of whether we plan to reproduce seems to be fair game, as if a uterus is something else.
There are two answers to the question of why you don't have kids. The person in question desperately wants to have children but can't. People will talk about reproductive challenges if they want to. It was the end.
They have made a private and personal choice not to be a mother. It's not going to change their minds.
The answer is: That is my story to tell, when and if I choose to.
A friend of mine is very open about her decision not to have kids. She is being called a selfish person for not having a child.
There are a lot of reasons a person wouldn't have children. The template of a happy family life might have been the one they grew up with. At an early age, they may have had child care responsibilities thrust on them. Bringing a child into an overpopulated planet could be a concern. They may know that they aren't up to the job. Isn't it more selfish to have a child who isn't wanted?
There is nothing wrong with the fact that some people don't want children.
Most women live with society's expectations and judgement. It's exhausting to swim against that expectation. It depletes your confidence if you live in a world where your life circumstances are not appreciated by others.
The lack of a child won't bother you. The inability to understand can be very painful.
Everyone around me was having babies or talking about them during that decade.
I was in a group of friends. We used to meet up frequently for drinks. The invitations stopped being sent when the babies were born. They had switched to daytime meetings with kids. They didn't think I'd be interested. They were all part of an exclusive club to which I was never getting a membership.
Even if it's not intentional, feeling like you don't belong can be really bad.
I never attended a child's birthday party because I had so many friends with kids. It doesn't mean I don't like them or want to be around them even if I didn't have children.
I am blessed to have some wonderful friends with whom I can have frank conversations about how to maintain our friendship in the face of our diverging life changes and a shared history. I am interested in their children, and they are interested in and celebrate the things in my life, whether it is a career highlight or an exciting vacation.
I don't think I'm missing out on seeing the childhood milestones or the joy that children add to Christmas and Halloween. I don't get to be the cool aunt as much as I would like because I live far away from my niece and nephew.
Parents share photos of their children at school, prom or camp on social media sites. I sometimes feel like I don't have much to say. Even though that is not my experience, my life sometimes looks flimsy and untethered compared to the picture- perfect one.
Life without children has its positives. Some mothers will never have the freedom that I have. I have enough time to do a lot of things. I have traveled and lived around the world. It would have been more difficult with children in tow. I don't have to worry about the school district when choosing my apartment.
I have more disposable income and don't have the financial burdens of college fees or grown children's weddings so I can channel my money into causes I care about and hopefully retire a little earlier than most. I have a wonderful marriage where we are devoted to each other and have the time and money to do a lot of things. I get a good night's sleep.
I wouldn't change anything.
Women who do have children face a lot of judgement. Everyone seems to have an opinion on a lot of things.
It can be difficult to be a mother. "Otherhood" can do so. It has nothing to do with whether you have children or not. It's exclusionary and dangerous to insist.
Regardless of our status as mothers, we should all support each other and navigate our journeys with grace.
Do you have a story you want to tell? Send us a pitch if you know what we want here.
The article was first published on HuffPost.
All Rights Reserved © 2024
