The author and her siblings were in New York City in 2002. The photo is courtesy of Sarah Leibov.
My father didn't tell me I had a sister.
When I was 24 years old, I went to the store to buy pillows for the apartment I was moving to with my fiancée. I heard a strange excitement in her voice when she called me. I stopped on the sidewalk to listen
She was unsure how to say this. Something has been kept from you by your father.
She was talking about something. She and my father had been separated for almost two decades.
There's a sister for you. She was put up for adoption after your dadimpregnated his girlfriend. She is moving to New York and is going to stop in Chicago soon. We thought you would like to meet her.
Is my brother aware? She said that my father had not told me. She said that your brother found letters from your sister seven years ago. Your brother began talking to her secretly. He swore me to secrecy after I asked who it was from.
Dad doesn't know you. I wanted to know.
She didn't think he knew your sister was coming to town. Are you interested in meeting her?
I told her that I would call her later.
When people passed me on the street, they looked at me sympathetically. I was sitting on the curb. I was shocked but also relieved. I knew that my father was hiding something. Hearing the news made me feel better.
I wasn't sure why he kept this secret. My parents had divorced and married other partners when I was young, and I had already had every kind of sibling imaginable, including my brother, stepsister, and three half siblings from my father's second marriage. He kept quiet about this one. I didn't know why my brother didn't confront my father. After betrayal, it was another betrayal.
He came to pick me up after hearing how upset I was. The shock about my past hit me as I was unpacking the new items I had bought for the home we were building together. I realized that I wasn't who I thought I was.
One of the first times I heard my father say that he loved me was when he sat on his lap and said that he loved me. I was taken to fun restaurants and musicals. Even though he got remarried and had more children, I still took comfort in being his first child.
I thought I knew my place despite my chaotic childhood. I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to see my father's daughter behind his back, as he had from me.
I told my brother to call his dad and tell him what he knows.
My father asked my brother and I to meet him at a deli he hadn't heard of. I think he thought I wouldn't make a scene in a public place. I had tears in my face as I ignored people looking at the soup.
Why didn't you let us know? I couldn't believe it.
He said he knew you would respond like this.
My brother looked at me. I didn't tell you earlier because of that. I didn't want to upset you, and I knew Dad would be angry if he knew I'd been through his stuff.
I was angry and defensive after hearing this. I was made to feel as though my feelings weren't right in my family. I wonder if it was my fault that they lied to me.
I told my brother that it was okay. I shouldn't be angry with you. It wasn't your job to tell me. I would not have reacted this way if he had told me earlier.
My father told us that when his girlfriend found out that she was pregnant, she told him that she was going to place the baby for adoption. After two decades, my sister was able to reach out to her birth parents. Over the years, my father had met with her many times.
When were you going to let us know? I wanted to know.
He didn't seem to notice. I think it's probably never. She is a wonderful person and she looks like Sarah. You don't need my permission to meet her.
I was confused by my feelings of jealousy. I had never felt like that about any of my siblings.
A friend, an only child, changed my mind about meeting her.
She asked if she would be happy to learn that she had a sibling.
Her comments made me stop and think. My sister died of a rare genetic disease. I don't know how I could turn down the chance to meet someone I know well.
We met my sister at a restaurant the next day. She was nice and kind. Both of us have dark eyes and curly hair. She was just as intent on making a good impression as I was. All my jealousy was gone in her presence.
We have become good friends over our mutual interests in music and meditation. I am fond of her but it is more than that. I like her politics and ideals. I have never heard her blame anyone for the difficulties she has faced. She lives with an easy acceptance that is hard for me to accept.
My world was back to normal when I received a call from my mother. She was surprised when she found a new family member. She was told that she was a close genetic match to a woman she didn't know.
There was no one to confirm the biological connection when my grandparents died. My breath got caught in my throat when Mom showed me the woman's picture. She had red hair and a dreamy, far-off look on her face that made me think she was my mother. On a conference call, geneticists confirmed our suspicions. They are related to one another.
My grandfather had an affair while he was married to my grandmother. My mother and her sister were both born on the other side of the country. My mother told me that my father was a traveling salesman. The geneticist said they heard that a lot.
I was surprised by how upset I was. My grandpa was a World War II veteran who devoted himself to volunteering. I didn't know much about his marriage to my grandmother. He betrayed me a few months before he died. I regretted naming my son after him. I was angry at my grandfather because he had lied to my mother and kept a sister from me. We couldn't get answers from him, as I had been with my father.
I forgive him because I saw how happy my mother was to have found her sister. His past had nothing to do with me. Their decisions to hide what happened caused me pain.
The hurt caused by family secrets has taught me a lesson. My husband and I are willing to talk about our past with our sons. When they inquire about my past, I tell them the truth. I empathise with my father when he's not comfortable telling the truth. I tell them anyways because of my history. They should hear it from me. We are closer due to this. I worry that they will judge me or use the knowledge to justify their own mistakes, but so far that hasn't happened I see my relationship with my sister as a blessing, even though I think my father made a mistake in hiding his past. The world is a better place to know her.
My mother and her sister are very close to one another. She has visited her sister and niece. I went to a baby shower for my cousin last year because of COVID. It was great to be a part of the festivities and see her gifts. We are still in touch on social media. I would like to travel to meet my new family and make more connections later this year. Time has been taken from me and now I have to recover it.
Sarah Leibov lives in Chicago with her husband and two sons. She is writing a memoir about her adolescence. She can be found on the social networking site.
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The article was first published on HuffPost.
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