Ben Stokes: England Test captain feared he might never play again during mental health struggles

During his mental health break from the sport, the England Test captain feared he wouldn't be able to play again.

The man had a number of panic attacks after he bottled up his emotions for a long period of time.

I kept tossing my emotions into a glass bottle. It exploded when it got too full.

In 2020 he took compassionate leave from cricket to be with his father after he died from brain cancer.

After breaking a finger on his return to the sport, he rushed to captain England's limited-overs teams in July 2021.

After the series against Pakistan, he took a break and was appointed the Test captain in April.

In an interview, Stokes talked about a lot.

• The long-term impact of the Bristol incident in 2017 which led to his being charged with affray
• The death of his father, who had a huge impact on his career
• Changing the conversation around mental health breaks

He spoke before his documentary, "Ben Stokes: Phoenix from theAshes", aired on Amazon Prime.

'I'd give off this big tough northern lad bravado'

In the documentary, he says he wants to change the narrative about mental health breaks.

I did an interview where I said I was a big tough northern boy with tattoos. I was like "well, I am tough, but that doesn't mean that I can't struggle mentally"

When Stuart Broad said he could see me not playing again, that's one of the more powerful things about that.

I didn't speak to Stuart about that during my time away. I spoke to him a lot during that time but it was just a general chat.

I hadn't said anything to him but the fact that he felt bad made me think that things were bad.

When he was named Test captain earlier this year, he said he wasannoyed that negative connotations were drawn around his break.

He said it felt like people thought he couldn't do the job because he took a break.

I wasn't sure what it was that made me want to be England captain. Even if you decide to take a break, it shows that you can still do anything.

'Such a big inspiration to me had left the world'

He credited his father with instilling in him what he is today.

He wasn't able to text me to say 'well done' when he wasn't there, that's why I ended up being where I was.

I had left the world and left myself. I had to find something that would get me to go again.

He meant a lot to me and I was very proud to show him to people.

The kind of cricket captain he wants to be is being shaped by his father.

He said he wouldn't ask someone to do something he wouldn't do himself.

He taught me to think about other people because he was worried about the effect on me when he died.

'Bristol will still affect my life in future'

In September of last year, he was found not guilty of affray after a fight in Bristol. After the incident, he wasn't selected by England.

He said that his wife told him not to assume that the incident was over after the verdict.

The Bristol incident will affect my life in the future. One day, we're going to have to explain to our children what that was all about.

"As they get older, no doubt people will ask them about it and we don't want them to be in the dark about that."

He played in a Test for England before and after the trial, but he struggled after leaving the field.

He said it was great to be in the dressing room.

I went back to my room after the day had ended. I was sitting on my bed in the hotel.

The hardest periods for me were the ones where I was alone. For me that was the beginning of something else.