What Adults Don't Get About Teens and Digital Life

We were in the library of a charter middle school on a snowy day. It was the first time we collaborated with teachers to try out classroom approaches for teaching difficult digital topics.

We usually start the session with a collection of common messages that adults give to adolescents about digital life.

• Think before you post!
• Don’t sext!
• Stand up to cyberbullies!
• Stand up for what you believe in (But also: Don’t get involved!
• Online arguments are a waste of time!)
• Be honest
• Be kind!
• Be there for friends in need
• Get off your phone
• You are what you post; now, tomorrow, and in the future

Many of the messages are correct. They are shared with teens by adults who care about them and want to make sure they stay safe and successful. These messages don't go far. They aren't enough, we don't mean they are wrong. Sometimes, they backfire, making teens more anxious without clarifying what they should do. Teens need more than vague principles.

What are they looking for? Digital literacy education can be created by schools. Policies that ensure youth well-being are used by tech designers. Adults who stay alert to digital problems, set useful boundaries, and offer connection and validation are good. It is important, but not enough. They need to have a sense of agency.

When we believe that our actions can influence what happens and when we can shape an outcome through our behavior, psychologists think we fare better. Our well-being can be threatened if we feel out of control.

Evidence from teens of a struggle to feel and to be in control is found in many areas of digital life.

Digital life is beneficial for adolescents. Teens are ready for self-expression, exploration of their interests and values, connection with peers, and curiosity about the broader world when they use social media. As they fight to regulate digital habits, they show the struggle. They may not want to keep up with all the new features that come along. Also, but also.

• When someone asks for nudes and they feel like every decision (including saying “no”) is a lose-lose.
• When they care about a struggling friend but also want to disconnect.
• When they care about a civic issue but recognize the perils of posting and of staying silent.
• When they feel trapped in unwanted filter bubbles that determine what they see.
• When they are told to take care of their digital footprints, but they can’t prevent peers from posting things they would never want online.
• When they fret about privacy risks but face a reality where many risks are out of their hands.