I have spent 25 years treating serious sexual offenders – this is what I’ve learned | Rebecca Myers

I want to ask you about your sexual offending against children if that is okay. I paused and couldn't find the words that said, "... a bit detailed and personal." The old man sitting in front of me does not look at me. I don't know who is more scared of the interview: me or him.

This was the first time in my life that I had been alone in a maximum-security prison. It would be a long way from my last. In the mid-90s, when I was just 22 years old, I obtained a shiny new psychology degree and spent the next 25 years studying and treating men who commit sexual crimes.

I was drawn to forensic psychology because of my interest in crime. I wanted to understand why offenders behaved the way they did, and how they made terrible decisions that hurt their victims. To find out how different they were from the rest of us.

I have learned that men who commit sexual offenses can be deceptive, cruel, deluded, and damaged. They can be remorseful, ashamed, introspective, funny, polite and willing to stop their bad behavior. Even if the crimes appear to be out of the blue, there is usually a combination of underlying reasons behind them. There can be a backdrop of trauma and abuse, difficulties in relationships with others, distorted thinking about women, children and sex, and more often than not, an interest in or capacity to be aroused.

In my job, I have heard about the most disgusting and degrading things that people do to each other, and in the smallest detail, and it is hard to hear it, to read the files and to look at the photographs. One of the hardest parts of the job is meeting victims.

I try to leave the work at the prison gate when I return. I try to understand what happened in each case by looking at the information and trying to solve the puzzle. The cognitive task helps me to disengage from my emotions. I don't eat when I read files because it makes me feel sick and now that files are electronic, I don't look at them anywhere else in the house.

The offence inevitably spills over. Some crimes affect me more than others, for example those that relate to the ages and genders of my own children, as I consider myself hardened. Sometimes I have a bad dream where I am the murderer and sometimes I am the victim.

I've become more suspicious of people over time. I first saw it when I was in my early 20s, when I was engaging with prisoners in intensive treatment. I began to notice strangers with children, who were always on alert, for evidence of abuse in harmless situations such as a park or supermarket. I became hyper-vigilant and overprotective when I had my own children, shunning male babysitters, not allowing my children to go into public toilets on their own, and cautious of male sports coaches.

I am aware of my own risk. I don't want to go out in the dark or alone in the day with my dogs. Without a dog, seeing a lone male in the countryside would make me cringe. Most women and vulnerable people experience fear in dark places. I don't know how much more affected I am because I've worked with the perpetrators of serious sexual violence, but I try to do all the right things Gallows humor is an effective way to relax.

I keep doing the work because I think it is important to try to prevent more victims of sexual and violent crimes. The work is extraordinary and complex, bringing intellectual challenge, self-analysis, purpose, a sense of achievement and altruism into my life.

I help the men as well. Most sexual offenders don't reoffend and most offenders don't want to offend again. They would like to be useful in society. Stigma, ostracism, lack of work, housing, friends, family, and human connection are some of the barriers faced by freed sexual offenders. Sex offenders who do reoffend are more likely to do so if they have similar problems.

Every day in the UK, men who have committed sex crimes are released from prison. An openness to the possibility that these kinds of offenders can change would help those who are to be released live safely in our society. There are more resources in the community to manage them. These things would help reduce the likelihood of more victims.

I didn't think that the thinking styles of many of the men I treated in prison were the same as mine. It can be difficult to trust a partner in a relationship. I realized that they were simply human beings who had committed terrible crimes.