Sean McVay walks me through the refurbished kitchen of his new house in a double-security-gated Hidden Hills community that also is home to Drake, Cyrus and the other famous people. He got everything he wanted in the spring. He and his bride-to-be have just moved in. There are boxes in this picture The shelves and walls are mostly empty and there is a soft echo in the room. He got home from work and wanted to relax. He doesn't know where the sodas are stored. He walked to the cabinet and pressed the door. The door does not open. The man presses it again. Nope, that's right. He is moving to another place. But it's empty.
He scans a shelf while driving into a pantry. The success was achieved. He goes to the backyard, where he has an NBA game on his TV. The air is cooling but the ground is warm. His office is to the side of the patio. There is a trophy on the desk. McVay is the youngest head coach to win. His alma mater, Miami University in Ohio, will announce in the coming months that it's going to build a statue of him, as well as his hometown city council in Atlanta, which will recognize him in the coming months.
He pulls off his drink while looking at the scenery.
McVay has been able to catch his breath after a long time. The Super Bowl win over the Cincinnati team was included. If he wanted he could leave coaching for the booth. The wedding planning was delayed because of the swine flu. The Rams are behind the rest of the league after their long run in the playoffs. Veronika is a Ukrainian and still has family outside of Lviv. During the night, both of them check their phones. Half of Veronika's family will not be able to attend her wedding. It's been amazing for McVay to reach the top of his profession, to see his wealth increase, and to move from one beautiful home to another, all in the midst of war. A lot of feelings are in the air, some that McVay can articulate and some that he can't, but as he looks at the new house, he's reflecting.
He says they still can't believe they're living here.
McVay is a young man but a veteran coach, with hair always gelled, forearms always swollen, scruff always two days old, and eyes that default to a sort of worried look. He leans back into his white patio couch, trying to enjoy the life he's built through a game that he bent to his will, and that may destroy him. He still has work to be done from today, and he will either do it tonight or in the morning depending on how the evening goes.
He says to back up. I got some clips to go through.
McVay woke up the morning after he won the Super Bowl. As he ran on fumes and semi-hungover, he saw that he had finally understood something important about himself. He imagined what it would be like to join a group of coaches with at least one ring. He sat with Veronika after the Super Bowl loss. He kept saying that he couldn't believe it. He told his family to not worry, even though they did. McVay hasn't watched it in full because he didn't like the game that much. He swore that he would never do it again.
The thing did not. It was odd for McVay to see himself after the win. He didn't think he was a better coach because he didn't have the knowledge of another game. He didn't feel like he had a chance to be one because he hadn't had a day under.500 in five years, hadn't won a game as a head coach, and had his own football tree.
McVay felt grateful and humble, reduced at the moment when his presence to the world was larger than ever, overwhelmed with the reality that his life would change and benefit from events beyond his control. He knew that if not for the counsel of the defense and the brilliance of the players, none of this would have been possible.
McVay is certain that he wouldn't have a new house if they had lost the game. Is it possible that Amazon would have courted a two-time Super Bowl loser, offering a booth job for $20 million a year, after word on the street was that he had finally burned himself out as a coach? Mc Vay isn't sure. He got a raise because he wasn't ready to leave.
He would still be in his previous home, in Encino Hills, with a view of San Fernando Valley, but he and Veronika had outgrown it. It was in a densely populated area. People would ask for money or signatures. This feels more like a home for grown ups. It felt childish for McVay to bring the basketball hoop from the pool. Veronika told him it was time to leave it.
All that remains is the rest of his life. Mc Vay has tried to think beyond the next game. A happy family is something he can imagine one day. He can hear what's happening. He wonders who he will be when that day comes. Is he going to retire with a booth job, fully engaged with his family, or is he going to still be a coach?
He is not the first person to suffer from the game's "mental mind f---" that he can't distance himself from. McVay is trying to understand what success is and how a finish line looks. He wanted to be the youngest head coach to win a Superbowl. He asked if he ever had a goal of winning the most Super Bowls of a head coach in the history of the league. I don't think so. I don't know what that means.
He knows the problem.
He said he would be sitting here when he was 60. Are you still coaching?
I watched a man at odds with himself while working with McVay. He knew that many of his predecessors in this profession, his heroes, guys he studies and steals from and tries to match, are like him. McVay has been trying to understand the job and himself since the Super Bowl. He feels "intrinsically motivated to the point" that he is "sick" when he feels powerless over his own wiring.
He says it isn't a choice. I don't make a decision to drive.
On a May evening in the Atlanta suburbs with his parents, I explain all of this to them and they laugh. They are welcoming their world raising him. Sean attended a roller-skating party when he was 3 years old. He took off on the rink, leaving the rest of the kids behind, until he crashed into the boards, looking back to see if the group was getting on him.
Tim smiled and said, "We looked at each other like, 'Oh my god,'" What have we done?
Since he was a boy, Sean has carried his ambition with him. It is a force without a clear destination, both toxic and enriching, because it is addicted to the high of the feeling of improvement, even if it is invisible to the outside world. He was exposed to football's blessings and costs as a child, and he internalizes not the hokey sanitized version of the game but what it takes to author a legend. Sean attended San Francisco 49ers walk-throughs with his grandfather, John McVay, and spoke with Steve Young and Jerry Rice when he was younger. Sean's dad was aware of the dangers of that life.
Tim considered becoming a coach after playing football at Indiana. He grew up with a loving father but one who was always at the office, working for the legendary Bill Walsh, who changed the game at the expense of his own happiness and sanity. Tim decided to watch tv instead. He wanted to be able to provide for his family. He wanted to be around his family.
As a young adult, Sean knew that he wanted to be a sportscaster. His parents and some friends saw all of the warning signs when he said he wanted to coach. He might have wanted to be his grandfather or father. He believed that one day he might find a way to make life in pro football more enjoyable.
Sean's life as a receiver was ended by leg injuries he sustained in college. He got an entry-level job at the Buccaneers. He finished college before class ended. Cindy helped him locate a place to live. He had a long way to go. Sean was cut off when he stood in front of the staff to draw a play. I've never seen circles like yours before.
McVay was a big fan of coaching. He joined the Washington staff in 2010 as a quality control coach and was promoted to tight ends coach. McVay learned how to create a vision for a football operation from Mike. He learned how to exploit holes in the defense from Kyle. McVay learned how a leader can provide both opportunities and protection when he stayed on with the new head coach. Washington went 4-12 that year and the coach publicly took the blame for the offense. His reputation would have been changed if he had been blamed. The rising star wouldn't have been a good hire.
The offense improved in the next season, thanks in part to the design and execution of McVay. The buzz began. Even though his rise had been rapid, he was proud that he hadn't missed a step. He felt like he had cut 20 years of work in half and was ready for head coach interviews in January of next year. Mc Vay called his parents at 2:30 a.m. after the Rams meeting.
Sean said it went well. I will get this job.
Do you know if you're ready? Cindy wanted to know.
He said he's been ready his whole life.
On the day after the regular season ended, Veronika asked Sean what he would do if he were on a team that wasn't winning.
He said that it wouldn't happen. Why don't you think that way?
It sounded like he was immune to the fate of all the other coaches. He knows that it's part of his chosen life, but he also knows that he's going to lose. McVay had a deeper admiration for Taylor, who was his quarterbacks coach. Taylor had six wins in his first two seasons before guiding the Bengalines to the last game. McVay says he has never had to lead in situations that were real adversaries.
McVay has kept him sane by winning. The Rams went 11-5 in his first year, leading the league in scoring and hosting a playoff game, despite being slow to appeal to fans in a new market. McVay was not a complete head coach, but an offensive assistant who called plays and tried to establish a culture.
His father was the general manager at KTVU-San Francisco. He learned from John that Tim knew the names of every staffer. Sean says that Tim showed him a way to lead that was authentic to his personality.
He tried to get it to work for him. Even if he excelled with his eye for creating space and confusion on offense, it was still brutal at times. McVay seemed to change his personality as soon as the games started. McVay would say "What the f--- do you want?" if a staffer stopped by. McVay was on the good side of the spectrum of angry head coaches.
McVay says thatIgnorance was bliss. If he truly knew the pains of the job, he might not have survived. There was a disagreement between the offensive line coaches. McVay went about practice, not thinking about it, after entering the competition.
LaFleur entered his office angry that McVay had sided with the opposing party. LaFleur said that he was shown up in front of the players. You should fire my ass immediately.
His blood pressure went up. One of his best friends was complaining about the Rams getting into the playoffs.
You know what? Mc Vay responded. I don't like this job very much. I quit. This is not a good thing. I don't like myself very much. I'm not happy that I'm treating you this way.
LaFleur spoke. "You're not allowed to do that!"
"He flipped the switch on me" was what LaFleur felt was a ninja management move by Mc Vay. Mc Vay hated that he was overwhelmed. The Rams lost in the Super Bowl after reaching it and his ego and insecurity grew. He was successful and liked hanging out with reporters and trading gossip. He admits that he had become dependent on the praise.
When it's not about Sean, McVay is at his best. It's been about me more than I'd like to think. The Super Bowl loss had changed the narrative around McVay from boy wonder to another lovely tombstone. He spoke to the three men after the loss. McVay was determined to prove that he could become a coach. If he was an a-hole in the building, so be it.
He says he lost his humanity. I let the frustration of the expectations be more about me than I would like.
The Rams had a winning record. It was the worst year for McVay. He said it was so miserable. The Rams went 10-6. McVay wanted to become a full head coach. He lost faith in the quarterback he had once bet his career on. McVay tried to coach him harder. It backfired and destroyed the quarterback's confidence. He retreated inward, trying to fight his internal storm, even though he felt his intentions were correct. He worked more from home, not only due to the efficiency of it, but also because he felt it was how he could best get his head right, and he was on the verge of a breakdown. McVay touched his stomach and said that it was just that torment. You don't know how to fix a problem like you have a problem. When I lose sight of what matters, I put more pressure on myself than anyone else. I would eliminate a lot of my internal struggles if I had listened to the advice I give my players.
Veronika drove Sean and his parents home after losses. Cindy says it's horrible for a parent. Veronika wouldn't say much. She says she doesn't know how he will be after a win. He doesn't ask a lot of questions, but he likes us to be around. Cindy would dive into the critical plays. Tim wanted to point out that the Rams were going to the playoffs again.
I don't want you to hear it. I don't like listening to pep talks.
McVay calmed down. He would tell his family he was happy to be here. Before hitting the sack, they would share a few drinks. Tim felt that Sean was losing his way despite knowing him well. Sean was too sick to sleep in the middle of the night.
Who wakes up at 1:45 in the morning on a Tuesday in the winter? He said it in his office. It's not loud. He has a cup of coffee, two bottles of water and two drinks. There is a sign on the wall.
He saysCheesy is as bad as hell. It's a reminder for me.
A lot of coaches are up on Tuesday in the middle of the season. As if hours logging can force a fumbled ball to bounce a certain way. No matter how many conversations league executives have at hotel bars about the burnout rate of coaches, of why the stress and demands and the unsustainable nature of the job has likely led to the trend of younger hires, and no matter how many head coaches pledge to change this destructive way of life, after Diminishing returns are not an excuse. America doesn't pay much attention. The game requires what it wants. Mc Vay is an obsessive grinder who studied obsessive grinders. He's at his best when he's playing a game.
He believes that there are endless possibilities and that he can find the answers after all the research he has done. Mc Vay needs to believe as well. The default is to try to control everything else since coaches can't control the games they are paid to control. If McVay didn't have a life, it would be funny. He and other coaches preside over a series of random events on game day that have a profound impact on their families and happiness. As McVay puts it, we're all fucked up.
He saw the coach arrive at 3:30 a.m. He watched as the Shanahans spent months reinventing the offense to use Robert Griffin III and then switched to a completely different style for KirkCousins. He is floored by his football knowledge after getting beers with the coach. McVay's own cadences and obsession are reinforced by the templates from those men. He needs to learn more about football.
One of the main topics of discussion with his father is McVay's lack of sleep and how he will make better decisions if he is fully rested. Tim told Sean it wasn't a Badge of Courage for him to get 3-4 hours. You have to prioritize sleep if you want to be at your best.
Initially, Sean was not interested. I don't need a lot. I woke up at 2:30 and am laying down. I don't understand why I should just lie down.
Sean tried to get used to it. He averaged out to seven hours of sleep a night after listening to the bank sleep talk. The goal is four to six hours on Mondays through Thursdays. Sometimes he goes to the office even though he is up at 2:30. He wants to rest for eight hours on Friday and Saturday. He's either too focused after a game or too angry after a loss.
He starts the week watching film, not just to check a box but to reach that magical realm of focus when time seems suspended and background noise is all but gone. It can take a long time. McVay has always been envious of people who can concentrate for long periods of time. McVay is not able to. The people interrupt him. Answering texts and emails only creates more of them. The man has to clear his mind. He used to disappear to the sauna, until he found out that his phone wouldn't get hot. The steam room has phones that don't work well. He helps him win 67% of his regular-season games and 70% of his playoffs, a life that feels sustainable or not depending on the day.
McVay insists that he won't burn out as a coach. It's not going to happen.
His parents are concerned about him burning out.
Tim said yes.
Cindy said yes.
Veronika smiles out of the side of her mouth as she overhears our conversation. Even if she graduated from George Mason with a degree in international business and earned a master's in global management, the costs of Sean's life are still present in her life.
Two days before their wedding, papers are scattered on the counter detailing seating assignments and the reception schedule. They got their marriage license yesterday.
Did you not have second thoughts? Sean asked her a question.
She said it was too late.
He asked when he first realized he was crazy.
She says she's on her first date.
When they were in Washington, they became serious. McVay's friends asked him to stay single for the first year. They planned on sharing a home in the hills with a football Entourage. It was a huge misinterpretation of McVay's intentions. He didn't want to be a great coach. Veronika was crucial to the plan. She was asked to move to L.A. with Mc Vay. She made his life simpler and enriched it. Mc Vay was a dater in Washington. She gave a bit more balance because it's impossible in the NFL.
When he introduced her to various team owners at a league party, she was unperturbed, but she cared about Sean's life. The Rams winning or losing didn't affect her soul, her sense of self or her essence as much as it affected him. She is patient and supportive If Sean had handled games like Veronika did, Cindy would have been a better mother to him. McVay has had his best professional years since they fell in love, but he might not be happy all the time in this job, or even a lot of it.
He says it's not by coincidence.
Veronika was with Sean in Cabo San Lucas when he was at his lowest point. The Rams lost to the Packers in the playoffs. He knew he needed to move on from him after hitting a wall with him, but he didn't know how to do it.
In New England, smart opposing coaches were impressed with how McVay was able to solve for the quarterback's limits as they were confused by the contract. McVay was not blameless because everything he wanted to be was slipping away. Even if he thought it was the right thing to do, he still felt guilty. McVay was happy to hear that Stafford wanted to leave Detroit.
They had drinks and talked football. A bond was forged over alcohol. McVay went back to his hotel and hopped on a plane to Los Angeles, where he made a famous plea to the Rams brass. Alright, here's the deal. We can sit here and exist, and be okay winning nine to 11 games, and losing in the divisional round, and not feel bad. We could trade our motherf---ing nuts for this f---ing quarterback and win the world championship. Do you want to do this or not?
It was laughs that followed, not pushback. The upgrade was obvious. Within a few days he was a Ram. The Rams' acquisition and general indifference to high draft picks prompted them to be labeled as the first super team since the 1994 49ers. Sean didn't like the label but didn't care about the consequences. It was the second time in McVay's career that he had lost three in a row. Stafford threw in his sleep in September and October. When McVay's offense struggles, he likes to deploy a hurry-up attack, but injuries to players in new positions made that option impractical. McVay went down a path.
It was a joke and I can't speak. There was disgust. The feeling of being sick. You have a pit in your gut. You have to fight for what you think is right. You have to get up and lead and really authentically be able to demonstrate the strength that I think is a responsibility and necessity for a good leader.
He retreated to his home office because he didn't want his mood to affect the whole building. There was a void. The team didn't break, but it was in danger. At a time when he was close to death, it needed more of McVay. One of McVay's best friends was the only coach who could tell him.
Morris is a ruthless competitor but knows that there is something bigger than football at stake, which McVay sometimes struggles to practice. Cindy and Tim hosted a party at their Atlanta house after the Rams beat the Falcons a few years ago. Morris and his family were happy to see him. If the roles were reversed, Cindy asked Sean if he'd show up. He agreed. He came forward. "Not at all"
Morris asked Mc Vay, "You all right?" one day in November.
Both men were aware of the answer. Morris told McVay that he gets lost in his own head.
Is anyone else aware of it? McVay wanted to know.
Morris agreed.
Morris said that sometimes people need him. You give people comfort when you're around. Make them happy. They want to play.
McVay forgot something important about himself, something that is as important to his success as his ambition, his ethic and near photographic memory, the way he imagines formations and anticipates action, and is able to simplify those ideas into teachable concepts. When he's at his best, people like talking to him and enjoy his presence, and they like how he can laugh at himself. It gives the rest of the team permission to make mistakes, but it also reminds everyone that they are all in it together.
McVay was used to people quieting when he entered a room. He reminded himself that he has always told the team that they don't need to be miserable in the pursuit of greatness. He watched videos of Tom Brady's postgame news conferences, looking for clues into the positive mindset needed to win it all.
On the Monday before the three game skid ended, McVay met alone with Stafford. A meeting turned into two hours. Mc Vay says it was like they were each other's counselor. The most talked about union in the off season had reached a stalemate. McVay went to Stafford's house for Easter and even brought his parents, but both were internalizing the pressure, almost afraid to admit it.
McVay told Stafford that it was not too much. It's a large amount.
McVay realized that he had lost sight of an important tenet as a play caller, that is to simplify the quarterback's job. The presence of Stafford gave McVay a passer who was equal to the coach's play innovation, but the constant throwing on offense added to it. McVay promised Stafford that they would run the ball more. Nobody is going to get more criticism and scrutiny than we are, so let's enjoy it, compete to the best of our ability, and let the chips fall where they may.
Stafford says it was as good a conversation as he's had with a coach or teammate.
L.A. won nine of its last 10 games, including two fourth-quarter comebacks by Stafford. In the second half of the divisional-round game against the Bucs, the Rams blew a big lead and had to settle for a tie. It looked like a repeat of the Superbowl. McVay knew that the defense would give him one cover during hurry-up drives. On second down, Bowles played to his tendencies and called for a defense. One of the best answers of McVay's career was when Stafford hit him for 44 yards to set up the winning field goal.
Injuries to two of the Rams' tight ends kept the game close. It was down to Stafford and Kupp, and McVay scheming of ways to get Kupp open, which amazed coaches around the league. They delivered for the third time. On Cincinnati's fourth-and-1 with 43 seconds left, McVay crouched over, saw a running back split wide, and then he threw the ball away. Mc Vay thought, Oh my god. He said that Donald would make a play. McVay hugged Stafford after Donald forced an incompletion. Something happened when the quarterback tapped the coach's leg. He let go after a long time. McVay doesn't cry a lot, but when he does, the tears come quickly. His face was reddened by his eyes.
After the postgame interviews and before the team party, McVay sat alone in his stadium office, showered and in a suit, trying to relax. His focus is so intense that it nearly takes him.
Morris was having a headaches of his own. Both Stafford and Kupp were wearing partial uniforms. Stan and Josh were the first to arrive. The group posed for a picture. McVay was almost proud of how he and the team overcame their demons in November.
The business side of the Rams' building was spoken to by Mc Vay a few months later. Everyone is talking about the fact that superteams don't work. You motherf---er! It was a success!
Just a tiny bit. It needs to work again.
At 1:45 on a dark spring morning, McVay is outside. The combination of sun and breeze from the door opening and closing causes a plant in the foyer to shed its leaves. A pile on the floor makes him want to do something. He sweeps them, then walks outside and tries to find a solution to his problem on the dashboard.
He says he can't keep up with everything.
As the sky lightens, he drives out of his neighborhood and onto the freeway.
He looks ahead.
The Super Bowl gave McVay a chance to see if there are ways to make the job more sustainable. His home office has become his primary one. There are screens on his desk and on the wall, as well as all of his binders. There are no shelves or windows in his office. There's no one working there except for his stationery.
He can watch film, walk outside and absorb some sun, pop in and out of conversation with Veronika and then return to the clicker. To be more present at the office but also have a chance of a life is something he is learning. For his staff, he wants the same thing. McVay ordered assistants to leave the building in the early afternoon in order to make family time. He does not want the men to be there. During the season, we work too hard.
Mc Vay changes as we enter the facility. He was going to dig in the film of the screen passes. The bottom line of his work is ferocious. Will the Rams be able to repeat? Is he strong enough?
This year has nothing to do with last year.
McVay looked at the opportunity because of the money. He didn't attend any meetings. He was going to stay on as a coach. What's the reason? He says the people. He has three of them in their primes. He loves his staff and doesn't mind if they kill one another. He wondered what life would be like on the other side if he didn't coach the game, with more sleep and income, with children, supporting his family after Veronika spent so many years supporting him.
He sounds like he is testing out how it sounds to himself when he talks about it. Is it possible that he could live without a coach? Is it possible that he could live without a coach? He wonders if it's the right time to stop working when Stafford leaves. He cannot live without that thing inside him. He has few things to do. He likes to read about coaching or leadership. At 3:30 a.m., he swims in his pool. It's not the same as leading a football team. Rams executives joked with him that if he had to broadcast a game between two bad teams, he'd hate the job, and hate himself for taking it, so much that he would kill every player and decision.
Sometimes I ask myself what the f--- I'm thinking. He asked if he would have done it differently. It's likely. Those are fleeting feelings. If I had a lot of time on my hands, I wouldn't know what to do.
Last November, the pain came up again. It's only possible when you're in that moment. All that is being worked through. He is shaking his head Then he makes a face.
I need that as well. There is a part of me that you love.
He laughs at himself because he knows that fighting is pointless. He talks about broadcasting. She says he's a coach. It will be the inevitable losing season if he stays in coaching. McVay doesn't know what will happen if the Rams go 4-13. When you ask his parents.
Cindy says that announcing sounds great.
McVay is standing at a counter holding a piece of cardboard. The playcalling sheet is from the biggest game of his life, the Super Bowl. The kind is small. GBOT: Get Back on Track is a category for plays that are broken down by situation, down and distance.
There are reminders along the bottom. He said to himself. "None of the other people see this but me."
You can see the game at a time.
Don't be afraid, everyone around you.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
The key is present and still.
The patient and the joy.
He is happy for a second. He said he did a good job.
He sees a document that explains so much about who he is and what he wants to be. The edges of the card are wrinkled and damaged. It is too late for him to frame it.
McVay said "Ha".
Not right now. Should the Rams face theBengals this season, he wants it to be convenient. He is carrying it back to his office. It's inevitable, but maybe it's wise or sad.
McVay looked at his watch late that night. His body clock is past midnight and into tomorrow because he likes to stay on the east coast. Sean and Veronika were snuggling on the couch as they watched playoff basketball. She retired after the game. It's not loud and it's not frenetic. Mc Vay is tired. He checks his phone at the end of the day to make sure there is no work drama.
The task is still hanging over him.
He stood behind the bar and wondered what to do after he put a cork in the wine bottle. The office is to the right of the bedroom.
He climbs to the second floor to find out what's going on.
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