Birthday emails are one of the constants of modern life, right up there with death, taxes, and computer updates. My inbox is filled with reminders of how many companies I have trusted with my birthdate.
This year isn't happening. This year would be different. I went on a relentless unsubscribing kick this year, just clicking theunsubscribe button whenever I got a message from a corporate mailing list. I knew that there would be some things that wouldn't go through.
Companies can't refuse a birthday. One of the easiest things they can do is send birthday emails.
It’s my birthday — hell yes I deserve a treat!
Companies want to wish you a bad birthday, so they will either give you a free coffee or a donut at the cash register, or both. You probably weren't going to get it until you got that email and thought, "It's my birthday, I deserve a treat."
My kick wasn't related to the birthday shenanigans. I just wanted less of a firehose of emails the rest of the year because I love birthday treats more than the next person. Since companies can't resist a good birthday email, I knew that I would definitely get something on my birthday.
This is how it ended.
Weeks before my birthday, I get an email from a local boutique with a discount code to use at any time during my birthday month: “Happy birthday from us to you! Enjoy 20% off any purchase this month, because you deserve it.” I do deserve it, local boutique. But I know your game. You won’t get me in to buy those cute notebooks… right? I can stay strong.
A week before my birthday a credit monitoring company emails me: “Happy birthday! Because nothing says ‘I like to party’ more than a message about your finances.’” They also want to remind me “that no matter where you’re at with your credit scores – or your age – you are so much more than any number can measure. Check in and expand your horizons.” No thanks. I’m good. If you can’t get my birthday right, how am I going to trust those credit scores?
My birthday arrives. I get an email from my alma mater, which sent a video that implied I would probably be alone in front of my laptop celebrating my birthday. They are dead wrong. I was alone and in front of my phone at the time.
Still morning, and my email is surprisingly bare except for emails from family and friends. Nice going, me! I get around to checking out the birthday animation on my Apple Watch. It had balloons. I get a kick out of it. I show it to my eight-month-old, who was momentarily fascinated and then resumed her usual morning routine of playing “grab the trash can.” She did not wish me a happy birthday. I forgave her.
The New York Blood Center emails me to wish me a happy birthday. Those vampires always want my blood, and my birthday is no exception; they include a link to make an appointment in their email. It’s a good reminder that blood banks are in a tight spot this summer with blood shortages across the country. Donate if you can!
Regal emails me offering a free small popcorn — if only I would come see a movie. I have not been to a theater since 2019. It will take more than a tub of popcorn to get me to go back. But also, now I want popcorn.
Afternoon, and my dentist emails me. Unlike the blood center and movie theater, they aren’t overtly trying to get me to go anywhere. They just wish me a great day and make an obligatory dentist joke about smiles. I feel guilty anyway. How long has it been since I went to the dentist? Too long.
I weigh myself on my smart scale. It tells me my weight and then, in a surprise move, flashes a happy birthday message complete with digital fireworks. This is nice, I guess? It would be nicer if immediately afterward it didn’t “helpfully”tell me that I’d gained a pound. I immediately blame the birthday cookie dough I snuck out of the fridge earlier. It was worth it.
I didn't factor in my gadgets and appliances when I started this collection.
I don't know if my microwave has anything to say for itself.