The author says she saw her husband standing big as she bought him a yellow sweater vest, texting and holding another woman's hand. In this photo, Delmaine Donson is pictured.
I found out my husband was cheating on me three days before I was going to get married. On February 14th, I participated in a student-led Q&A panel at the university where I teach as a psychologist.
The students wanted the panel to talk about healthy relationships and love, but I didn't experience the pain as much as I would have liked. I remember talking about how bad it would be to use technology to constantly track your partner's location due to distrust, which was ironic since I was about to track my husband's location due to distrust.
My discovery began with a text message from my husband, who told me about an amazing church he was visiting in North Carolina. He sent me pictures of the singers on the stage so I could find their music later. My husband told me that he enjoyed attending the church so much that he wanted to share it with me.
I told him that he was fortunate to be there. The church was found through a simple search of the singer's name and the date of the event. My husband knew he wasn't in North Carolina since we lived there before.
I watched video footage of the church service many times, and eventually I saw my husband standing big as day in a yellow sweater vest, texting me with one hand, and holding another woman's hand. I was so shocked that I realized my body was not moving. If I exhaled, the world would fall apart.
Four years ago, that moment set off the most painful part of my life.
I never confronted my husband. I went on a quiet rampage after becoming my own private investigator.
I let my husband handle the bills because he was better at finances and management. I was wondering what I didn't know. The piles of mail were neatly stacked on the kitchen table, in our office or by his bed. He had opened several credit cards in my name that I didn't know about.
The author took a photo of her husband and another woman at the dog park. The photo is courtesy of Dr.
Records of shopping trips, dinner dates, and out-of-state concerts can be found in these bills. He spent Christmas with another woman and her family in Tennessee instead of his own two children. He expressed his disappointment and frustration that he had to work on Christmas, but he tried to assure me that he was working on our hard-to-remedy financial difficulties. He wanted me to see him as a devoted family man. He would call and text his daughters and I to make sure we were all ok. He missed two holidays in a row for the first time in our marriage, but he insisted that it would be over when he got his job back. He didn't buy anything for his daughters, who I brought to Chicago to be with me.
The bulk of the materials that documented the pervasiveness of his cheating came from his old computers and cell phones. I got receipts from his emails.
There were sexually graphic pictures and text messages on my computer. I enjoy reading conversations. He would talk about my issues with some women. Some of the women knew about me, so I wondered if they knew about each other.
I discovered a lot of data over a long period of time. I thought I had been married to my husband for 13 years, but he wasn't. I was devastated and embarrassed that I had never heard of his infidelity, but I trusted and loved him, and I couldn't believe he was doing this to me.
Despite everything I had found, I was still in denial and so I decided to make a few out-of-state trips to see him cheat. My husband liked using my SUV for work trips because it was smaller than his gas-guzzler, so I rented a small Jeep for one of the trips.
I didn't know what I'd do while I was there. I got a nice hotel for a couple of days, went to my old home on The Hill at the University of Tennessee, and attended the church where I caught my husband cheating on me.
The gps system in my SUV made it easy for me to track my husband. I parked on a hill so I could see him and another woman at the dog park. I recorded a video of myself talking while he cheated in front of me. I was soothed and kept calm by it. I decided to make my own video after learning of his affair through an online video. I didn't post it on social media because it was for me.
The author is at a young age. She writes that she developed a love of technology. The photo is courtesy of Dr.
I had no reason to keep this secret anymore after seeing the truth for myself. The people I cared about the most were my stepdaughters and sisters-in-law. I left my husband through his family. I talked to him without wasting my time. He denied everything and claimed that our relationship would improve once he finished his training. He didn't admit to anything.
My husband and the last woman he had been unfaithful with had a baby. My health insurance company made a big mistake when I transferred my health insurance to my own policy. That baby was put under my account by mistake. I felt a deep pain in my mouth when I saw the baby's name after the claim was denied, but it wasn't until I saw the baby's name that I realized it was true.
We had been trying to have a baby. I created a list of gender neutral names when I was in graduate school. My ex- husband gave my son my name. I felt like this man couldn't take anything from me when I saw that name on my screen. I wondered if the child's mother was aware that her husband named his child after her. I wanted to know if she knew she was not the only one. I feel fortunate that I never had a baby with him, and it took me a long time to realize that blessings come in many different forms.
I was disgusted after our split. My weight kept changing. I had a lot of headaches. I was too tired and dehydrated to cry. I didn't have anything left to give.
I deleted his existence from my social media first. This was going to be difficult because we were together for so long.
It took him about a week to get rid of his digital presence. It didn't go well because I stayed connected to my family and friends. I was not able to remove pictures of him from my family's social media pages.
I can't completely erase them.
I didn't fully consider the anguish that digital technologies can cause. I had a good relationship with technology. My first love was a computer, and it was a toy called a Whiz Kid. It was our shared hobby that brought my husband and I closer. Technology had only brought me joy, but I now realized there was more to it than that.
The author is waiting in the courthouse hallway.
I realized that I may never become a researcher in social technology as a result of my divorce. It is still too bad.
I kept my head high despite this. I worked and taught. Students in my lab examine the complexity of social technologies. I purchased a car on my own for the first time. I was able to pay my bills because I had control of my money.
I did what I had to do to get my ex out of my life. I confronted him once for leaving notes on my car, but I never saw him again.
There is a new partner for me. We are taking things slowly because of my trust issues. We used to talk on the phone for a long time. He makes sense of what I've experienced. He is open and honest. I get flowers from him. I find it funny that he leaves his email on his laptop or phone while he's away. I appreciate the intent, even though I know it is. It's nice to date someone who is reliable.
My marriage is still traumatizing me. My ex- husband died last year, so some of it may never be resolved. I wish I had told him that I was aware of the extent of his deception, but I don't think he knows. I empathise with him and the pain he experienced at the end of his life, sometimes. Relationships are not easy to understand. It isn't clear-cut whether love and the loss of it are related. Betrayal is difficult and the way forward can be even more difficult. I am moving in a positive direction.
My family said it was ironic that I teach couples and family therapy because I went through it. I am no more immune to family difficulties than other people. The difference may be how we respond to life issues within our area of expertise and if we are able to live the truth we preach once we discover it.
Dr. Gray works at the University of Indianapolis. Research Methods and Statistics is one of the courses she has taught. Dr. Gray and her graduate students are studying how psychological factors are associated with modern tech-mediated interactive platforms.
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The article was first published on HuffPost.
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