Chris Kirkland on his addiction to painkillers: 'You become a totally different person'

You think you'll take them to help with the anxiety when you travel. It progresses so you need more and more. You become a completely different person when they affect you mentally.

Chris Kirkland has previously talked about his struggles with anxiety and depression, but he has now opened up about another battle he has been facing in secret.

The 41-year-old says he has been addicted to painkillers for the last 10 years.

He told the radio station that he would not be here today if he hadn't broken his silence.

• Addicted to Painkillers? Britain's Opioid Crisis

'I was obviously desperate to play'

He captained the side and played more than 100 times during his time at Wigan, but it was his sole England cap that made him a household name.

The goalkeeper was out of favor with the manager and signed for Wednesday. He lost control of his addiction after that.

I was not on anything when I was atLiverpool. I got back spasms after moving to Wigan. Two or three days is enough to get over it.

It happened more than once at Wigan. I wanted to stay in Wigan. The club treated me badly after I was there for a long time. I was the captain for six years and I thought Roberto did not treat me fairly.

I used to live in the area and had the same routine as when I was at Wigan but I moved to Wednesday.

It was a big problem to begin with. I said it was my wife who was struggling. The last two years at Wigan I was out of favor and didn't play, so everyone wrote me off. I was fit when I went to Wednesday and I was on my way to the airport.

I got injured two days before the first game because of the anxiety and trouble of traveling. There was a clause in the contract that if I missed a lot of games because of the back injury they could tear it up.

I wanted to play that first game so I took the pain killers.

The anxiety of travelling away from home was alleviated by it. You think you'll just take them when you're on the road. It progresses so you need more and more. You become a completely different person when they affect you mentally.

You are no longer with us. I didn't want to socialize after training so I closed the gates. I was addicted to them and they completely changed me.

'I was hallucinating and violently sick'

In the summer of 2016 he moved closer to home and reached out for help. He left the club and retired due to personal reasons.

He was able to wrestle with his addiction for a year, but he missed life as a footballer due to his back problems.

I shouldn't have signed for them in the first place. I told the owner I was having a hard time. I stopped taking them after we got help from the PFC.

I didn't miss the routine of being a footballer, having a purpose and the changing room. I went back on them because my back was hurting. I got off of them again after breaking down again in 2019. I told people what I didn't do.

It's a bubble when you're in rehabilitation, but once you get out, it's normal. The only people who knew were my wife and best friend. I went back on them during the lock down. I was unable to get treatment on my back.

I took some off the internet about five months ago and was hallucinating when I took them. I woke up the next day and said I wouldn't take them again, but I took some of the others. I went cold turkey after the second break down. I was in the bedroom for a week.

The withdrawal symptoms were the worst I have ever experienced. My wife and daughter helped me get through it. The time is right for the story to come out.

'You don't mean to hurt people but it's the addiction'

It was easy for him to cover up his secret as he could order more painkillers off the internet.

You wake up and think about something. It's necessary. When you need to get more tablets, you plan. You need help if you think about it first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

You lie, nobody knows. I kept them in the car because I was going to and from the city. You don't mean to hurt people, but you're addicted.

I have to accept the fact that I have upset my family. You can only change your future if you are there. They were desperate for me to speak out. They need some support too. I know I cannot do it on my own.

The only way you can stay in recovery is by talking and asking for help. I have failed at it before but I knew if I didn't do it this time I wouldn't be here anymore.

It feels like I'm back to normal now. My wife and daughter have their fathers back. I want to never return to it.

If you or someone you know has been affected by addiction, there is information and support available through the action line.