Sharing Music Rescued My Relationship With My Teenager

It began by mistake. My friend suggested that I send my 15-year-old the song "If You're Feelin' Sinister."

She said it was cool. "I enjoy it." It was only five words, but it was the most she had said to me.

My once vibrant daughter had become angry and resentful over the past few years. There were several factors that contributed to this. She lost her middle school graduation, her prom, and her busy social life because of covid-19. I didn't know anyone who had holed up in their rooms and stopped talking to their parents. Nothing seemed to bridge the gap between us as I became the enemy.

We had been a group. In a mother-daughter relationship, a single mom leans on her child more than usually. All that was different.

I told her not to make eye contact as I tried to understand her.

She said she didn't want you to know her. I don't know who I am.

Of course she was correct. I don't know if she knows herself. We were actually part of the problem because of our unusual close proximity. How could she break away from me while I was trying to help her? There was a need for a new way of communicating.

After a few hours after her text, she emerged from her room and sat down to lunch with her sister and me. I tried to get her to answer a few questions, like where her best friend was going to camp and how her science project was going. It was obvious that I had messed it up. She returned to her room and slammed the door.

I feel out of my depth when I communicate through music. Shannon was a member of the band Witholders.

She said to try the song "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by the neutral milk hotel. Don't get too excited when she says she's interested. Don't play it tacky.

I didn't want my daughter to follow me up with a text. She left her room for a while. Shannon was told by me that she was a snake charmer. What should I do next?

The cloud around us dissipated a bit as she continued to recommend music. Words were not easy to come by.

Shannon ended up running out of recommendations. I let Spotify take over and it offered up songs from bands I had never heard of. If I wanted a relationship with my daughter, I would have to make my own decisions, and I started making suggestions like Stevie Wonder and The Beatles. These were small snippets of my past that I hoped would connect us.