The photo is courtesy of Kate.
After five years of marriage my husband and I decided to try to have a baby. I got my first positive pregnancy test over a year ago.
At seven weeks, we saw a peanut-sized blob with a blinking dot, signifying a heart beat, due to some spotting and first-time nerves. We decided to share the news with our parents because we knew they would be happy and excited.
There was no showing of images on the screen at our 12 week appointment. My husband and I were told to go back to the lobby to wait for the doctor.
My husband and I sat down and I whispered something. We sat in the doctor's office as he explained to us that a heartbeat couldn't be found.
We knew it was possible, but it didn't make up for the blow. We imagined our life as a family of three after only two months. I started a private registry to research strollers and baby monitors. We had a discussion. The holiday cards were printed and ready to be dropped in the mail. All of those dreams were destroyed within minutes. The baby wasn't with us.
I was scheduled for a D&C at the local hospital within a week after several blood tests showed that I had lost a baby. After a few months of healing after the procedure, we were once again trying to have a baby.
I became pregnant again in July 2021. I told my husband on his birthday. It's a perfect gift. We knew from our first experience that we should keep our excitement to a minimum.
We were able to get in early for the abortion because of our previous experience, which resulted in confirmation of a pregnant woman. We were sent back to the waiting room with multiple sonogram images after the tech showed us a flickering dot and said to go back to the waiting room. We exhaled a collective sigh of relief as we waited for the doctor.
The doctor pointed out the excess fluid on the sonogram after we met with him. He explained that this fluid could potentially signal hydrops fetalis, a condition caused by a chromosomal abnormality and indicative of genetic or development issues. He gave us options that included additional testing and a visit to a specialist.
I had a blood draw for genetic testing and an appointment with a specialist in a large city an hour from home within a few days.
The initial findings of an abnormal amount of fluid in the head of the fetus were confirmed by a high-levelultrasound performed by the specialist. Chorionic villus sampling is an unpleasant procedure where a small piece of the placenta is removed and sent in for testing.
We were waiting. We tried to stay optimistic and realistic at the same time. The results of the blood test came in and there was no abnormality. I was not a carrier and we were able to rule out any issues.
There was fluid in the lungs and abdomen at our second appointment with the specialist. We knew our baby had a serious medical issue but didn't know why.
The chance of our baby making it to full-term was slim after discussions with both the specialist and my primary OB. Our child is most likely to be born with a serious medical issue if we have a successful pregnancies. It was decided that it would be cruel to bring a child into the world that would suffer and live a long and unfulfilling life. We decided to end the pregnancy because it was the right thing to do.
Scheduling an abortion proved to be challenging, even though I had hoped the most difficult part of this process would be over. I couldn't have the procedure done by my regular OB at the hospital because my fetus had a heartbeat.
I had to make an appointment to see a doctor. My doctor and I worked together to give a recommendation on a facility for me to go to, and I ended up going to a facility that was associated with the abortion industry.
I was able to get an appointment, but it took me more than two weeks to get one. I remained mentally and physically pregnant despite knowing our fetus was not viable.
Despite the fact that my fetus was not viable, I made any choices that would harm it, even though I knew it was not possible. I hated the day of my appointment, but I was looking forward to moving forward.
On the day of my procedure, I had to take a day off work, an hour drive, and pay over $1,000. I received a reimbursement from my insurance company, but many don't have this luxury and have to pay out of pocket.
I sat in a pre-op room for four hours after reading intake paperwork and having a conversation with a clinician. The process was much more difficult because I was more than 16 weeks pregnant.
I was taken to the operating room after my body responded to the medication. I was asleep during the procedure. I couldn't help but second-guess my decision while lying in the sterile space. When I thought of having a baby, this wasn't what I imagined. The practitioners in the room tried to distract me but the reality of what was happening was not going to go away.
The surgery lasted no more than 15 minutes, but it will stay in my mind for the rest of my life. I was assisted to the recovery room after the doctor finished his work. Before I was released to my family, I rested for a half hour, drank my ginger beer and took my medicine. The staff who provide these services for women in need are amazing.
It took my husband and I some time to be comfortable talking about it. Our support system is wonderful and we are confident in our decision. Our decision was controversial. It shouldn't be.
More than 600,000 legal abortions were reported to the CDC. The fact that we are trying to have an abortion comes as a shock to many, but they begin to understand the gray area in an issue previously seen as black and white.
Sharing our experience will hopefully change people's perception, but no pregnant person should have to justify their decision. The world should not allow itself to be used as a judge and jury.
I am writing this just hours after I found out I am pregnant a second time. The two lines on the test bring both fear and joy after two failed pregnancies. The excitement of having a family can't completely replace the worry and fear of what could happen.
What if I have a baby that doesn't fit? There may be medical issues. Time will tell if these are rational concerns or not. I shouldn't have to worry about not having the right to make the decision that is best for myself and my family. I don't have to worry about that. I don't have to worry about it. I shouldn't have to worry about it. A pregnant person shouldn't.
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The article was first published on HuffPost.
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