I downloaded Hinge on March 1, 2020, when I was ready to start a new relationship after a messy relationship had ended. After a couple of weeks, dating had to take a break. Dating changed to fit with the times as we adjusted to the ongoing Pandemic.
If you had certain goals in mind, like getting married or having kids in the near future, the Pandemic stole away time to find a partner. During the early days of the Pandemic, my dating life was mostly virtual and involved a lot of ghosting. I was ready for something more serious after I received the vaccine.
So are many other people. Choosing priorities and being honest and upfront with potential partners from the jump are two of the biggest dating trends of the year. People are choosing to date in a more efficient way.
Dr. John De Oca says the first step in efficient dating is defining your goal, whether it's that you want a casual relationship, or you want to learn more about yourself. De Oca said, "So, going down one of those avenues and being very clear about it, both in how you interact with people and in your own mind as well."
De Oca discourages his clients from chasing them and instead encourages them to date in a way that feels right.
De Oca said that they wanted to make sure that they were dating people that met their goals.
De Oca suggests taking advantage of the time before you go on a first date if you are online dating. He says to talk on the phone, have a video chat, and be careful with the questions you ask. Ask the person how affectionate they are if you know your love language is physical touch. It is a good idea to pre-screen the person and get to know them instead of just talking to them.
You have the chance to find out if the person is a good fit for what you are looking for on the first date. Some dates are better than others when it comes to getting to know people quickly.
You won't be able to get a complete picture of a person from a single date, but if you know what you want in a partner, these first dates can help you find it. As you go out on dates, remember to set your dating goals as well.
It's a classic date to go for dinner and drinks. If you're trying to date efficiently, De Oca says "anything that stimulates conversation, any kind of environment where you could lean into one another and get to know each other is a great first date." You're sitting across from each other, and all you have to do is talk. If you want to find out how the person carries on a conversation, you can ask about their childhood, see how they eat, and learn how they treat the wait staff.
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People watching can be fun, but it can also be a challenge. You will see how your date talks about other people, what they think about other people, and if they are a straight up bully. Someone who has something quippy to say about how someone interacts with their dog is a good choice. Sitting across from each other at a dinner table can make you feel like you have to pull conversation topics out of your ass. You still get the close-up talking, but without the awkward silences when you try to eat.
Awkward pauses can be prevented if an activity is done. You can see the other person's competitive side if they're a real-life version of the Hinge. De Oca believes that an activity gets the adrenaline pumping. He says you want some down time where you can actually have a conversation, so don't focus too much on winning, and remember to actually vet your date's personality along with their sportsmanship.
It's a good test of common sense and problem-solving, and it's not the most accurate test of intelligence. Cynophobia is the fear of animals. It is possible to learn how the person handles stress, how well they listen to you, and how the two of you work together. Go for a drink after the questions are asked and talk about something else than random facts.
If you want to see how someone holds a bottle of booze, give them a full plate of breakfast food. If they offer to pick up the tab or how well they tip, you can see how they treat service industry workers. Coffee dates tend to be very quick and De Oca doesn't like coffee dates because they don't give you time to get to know one another. Don't get so drunk that you forget to ask the right questions to find out if this person is a good fit for your goals.
A comedy show is a great way to get rid of people who are not compatible with your sense of humor. A second date isn't worth it if you aren't laughing at the same jokes You get a sense of their morals when they laugh at questionable jokes. You won't have a lot of time to chat during the show, so you'll want to talk about the acts afterwards.
Bookstore dates will make you feel like the main character of the book. If you browse the aisles, you can spark a conversation about your interests. You can see if they are pretentious about what they read and if they like a certain genre. You can buy each other a book to read so you have something to talk about when you meet up.
Credit: Vicky Leta / Mashable
People's true colors can be shown by cooking. When you make a meal together, you show how you work together. It is possible to see how well they follow instructions, how they communicate, and how they clean up in the kitchen. As you sit down to eat the meal, there is plenty of time for a personal conversation. One of you will need to go to the other's home, but only if you are comfortable and safe.
One of my favorite first dates was rollerblading around a park in Brooklyn, it showed me that the guy was down for anything, and we were both comfortable with the ability to make fools out of ourselves. You can fill the silence with talking if you go around in circles on the ice. If you want to test the waters on the whole getting physical front, skating is a good place to start. You might want to plan a second half to this date for when you start to get tired. I ate and drank in the park after my date. We had a few more dates after that, but he was one of the ghosters.
You still want one-on-one time with the person, so don't make this the whole date, but have a friend crash the date or arrange to meet up with your friends after the main date activity. If they are a good fit in your other relationships, you will be able to see how they interact with the people in your day-to- day life. Your friends can weigh in on how you act around your date and if they bring out good sides to you. This is a good idea for a second or third date if you want to be one-on-one the first time. By then, you will have a better idea of how you feel about the person and what you want your friends to look out for.
You might want a partner who is also into activism. Someone attending a protest for a first date shows you are serious about your beliefs and that they are willing to join the cause. You will get to the core of who they are as a person when you discuss deeper issues on this date. If you want to show off your lighter side, we recommend continuing the date with something a little less intense.
De Oca says to pay attention to what the other person is doing on a first date. They talk to you over text and in person. As time goes on, are they giving off red flags that will only get worse? Are they showing signs that warrant a follow up date?
One of my friends once said, "If it's not a 'fuck yes,' it's a no." De Oca wants us to have more second dates than we do first dates. Let's have a second date if it wasn't difficult.
Some people take more time to come out of their shell, and you might miss out on someone great if you're in a rush.
You don't need to speed through people just because you're efficient. Take your time and figure out what works for you.
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