Don’t even think about having a good time, creep.

Sex is not allowed for the biggest party the city has ever thrown in the World Cup, because of a ban on catholic parents before prom. If the heat, deadlier working conditions, strict rules concerning alcohol, and summer-ruining schedule change weren't enough rain, this edition would be the least enjoyable on record.

A police source told the Daily Star that if attendees are not husband and wife, they could be jailed for seven years.

Sex is off the menu if you are a husband and wife team. There won't be a one-night stand at this tournament.

There won't be a lot of partying at all. Unless they want to be stuck in prison, everyone has to keep their heads up.

Sex is not allowed at the World Cup for the first time. The fans need to be prepared.

It makes one wonder if those sleaze bags were aware of the celibacy policy of the World Cup host country. You are going to tell me that they were told that fans should celebrate their advancement to the knockout round with provocative looks. They are supposed to sweat all over each other.

It's a small price to pay for making the semifinals and winning the Cup, so it's time for some instant chapels in the country. Even though public displays of affection are a crime, a harmless embrace after a wonder goal is second nature. If Argentina or England buck their dry spells, good luck keeping it to firm handshakes and high fives.

According to common sense, the host country's ban on excessively revealing clothing could help quash a few urges as the less skin shown, the less horny patrons will be. That is sound logic until you consider the fact that there is an inherent attraction to a beautiful person wearing your team's kit. There's no judgement here.

The English premier league stadiums would be in handcuffs if public drunkenness was legalized. There are T-shirts that say "I survived" for everything from Spring Break 2016 to a Pandemic. Those could take on a whole new meaning after you were sentenced to seven years in a prison for throwing back a few beers and banging on the bathroom door after the USMNT played England in the World Cup.

The quick-to-celebrate, quicker-to-drink, quicker-to-fornicate fan bases that make up a large portion of soccer faithful were not taken into account by the world governing body. Before they paid millions and built stadiums to hold an edging competition, they should have asked an abstinence advocate how the fight is going.

Think of the long line at the airport. Someone should be looking out for the well-being of Kuwait Airlines attendants. They are going to need buckets of bleach and hazmat suits to make the plane safe to fly.

The idea of a game is a great one. There will be no fuck.