The biggest possible physical consequence of the night was erased when I asked the pharmacy to give me the medicine. The Idaho Statesman and the Tribune News Service are owned by the same company.
He told me his name was Max.
The sun was already shining when I arrived. There is a fan overhead. I was in a room that I didn't know existed. I don't like sleeping on my back.
There was panic with consciousness. Last night, what happened?
The guy from the bar was passed out on the floor next to me.
Every moment has been coming back to me in vivid detail recently in light of current threats to emergency contraception and abortion care.
I slid my hand under thecovers because I was terrified of what I already knew to be true. The ripstop of my pants gave me relief.
I felt like I couldn't shake it.
My hand slipped under the pants as I dove below the bed sheet. My underwear should have been on my hip. I felt tense in my stomach.
The kitchen and purse were found by me. The black screen on my phone was staring at me.
Max went into the kitchen and lit up a joint. I interrupted him to ask if we'd had sex.
I was told by him that we had. He said he was safe. He claimed that he used a condom but it broke.
I knew I wouldn't be able to break down there. It's not yet. I needed this guy to take me home after my phone died.
I have driven past the gas station on Michigan Street many times and it has haunted me. The gas station makes me ill. And upset.
I needed Plan B and the sooner the better as I watched him stand at the pump. I don't know what this guy did to me.
I asked him if we could go to the store.
I went to the pharmacy under fluorescent lighting to get the medicine that would wipe out the physical consequence of the night. The man held his gaze, full of judgement, as if I needed that time to catch up to him. I didn't I reside in the south. I saw it when I said, "Plan B."
I asked Max if he'd split the cost with me after the pharmacy gave me the pills.
He said he was a little short at the moment. Can you keep me out of harms way?
I paid $52 for two pills and a bottle of water so I could take care of the unborn child that might be inside of me, even though I mumbled that it was fine.
A wave of nausea almost made me vomit when I took that pill.
That wasn't as bad as the shame I would feel in the years to come.
I told Julia about what happened the next day. She didn't say anything more than "at least you got some."
I didn't tell anyone else because her words didn't match the anxiety and fear I was feeling. A friend told me that I was raped after I let the words fall out again. I didn't think it was true.
I said it couldn't have been rape since I was drunk. I thought I was responsible for this man sticking his penis inside me because I had been too irresponsible to control my drinking.
I am not certain of this. I blacked out for the whole night for the first time. I'm not sure if I was drugged at that bar. I wouldn't have consented to sex. A person can't give consent if they're drunk.
I couldn't shake the fear that remained. I was scared of all the men. I thought anyone could have done what he did. I knew this wasn't possible. I didn't think a man would take advantage of the chance.
I had a hard time sleeping after Max. I would bolt in the middle of the night. When I woke up, my mind was back to this night and I wanted to find out what had happened.
I had no idea if someone else would do this to me. I couldn't control how drunk I was. I decided not to drink was the safest option for me. I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't get drunk again, that I wouldn't take shots, and that I wouldn't drink a beverage that could be spiked. A woman should be able to drink whenever and wherever she wants, as long as she doesn't fear she will be raped. I am not responsible for what Max did even though I drank a lot. I thought giving up alcohol was the only way to go forward after that experience.
Nine years have passed since I stopped consuming alcohol.
When the Supreme Court draft opinion on abortion was leaked, I learned that emergency contraception, including Plan B, may no longer be an option for women.
It's good to remove the freedom of choice for women who suffer at the hands of men. I don't know what further lessons I should have learned. I was drunk in a bar and that was my only crime.
I am afraid for women like me who might drink too much, be drugged at a bar, be taken home by a stranger, and be raped or coerced to have sex. I am afraid for anyone with a uterus who will need safe, affordable, legal access to abortion or contraception if the law is changed.
I have no choice but to raise the child of a man I know and love. I don't know his last name. a man raped me
I can't get past the fact that I don't know if Max knows what happened. I didn't tell him. Max didn't face any consequences for what he did that night. I don't think the night affected him in any way. He might think he did nothing wrong.
I saw him again at a different bar a week later. He tried to talk to me. I didn't tell Julia because I was with a friend who didn't know what had happened. She only saw the guy who was clearly interested in me talk to this friend.
I didn't tell the truth about that night. I wish I could take back that. I didn't want to say anything because I felt so much shame. I owe it to myself to talk about what happened, not only to release the shame that should never have been mine, but also to know what a disservice it would be to women and people with uteruses.
After a rape, women face a lot of scrutiny, with their clothing, sexual histories, drinking habits and so on being called into question. We can't be blamed for the actions of men who decide to use us sexually if we make the smallest mistake.
It took a lot of work to stop drinking, attend therapy and walk myself out of a place of blame and shame, and I can't imagine being made to do it all while raising my rapist's child.
There are changes to the names in this essay.
Brooke is based in Florida. Her work has appeared in several magazines. She is writing a book about alcohol and sex.
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