My partner says he won't marry me until I lose weight and get a job. Where do I go from here?

• One partner setting conditions can lead to resentment.

• If you want to align your values with your partner, you need to work with a therapist.

• How your decision will affect your daughter is something you should think about.

• If you have a question, fill out the form. Questions will be published without being reported. Here you can read more about doing it right.

Thank you Julia.

We are in our 20's. My partner and I have a four-year-old together. I don't go to school with our child because he's on a rotating roster and no week is the same.

We've been together for six years and have talked about getting married.

He wants me to work full-time, to get my drivers license, and to get fit before he proposes. I'm not over weight but I would consider myself skinny.

I have not been happy since this conversation happened. We've never had a lot of disagreements, other than a few here and there.

I've been out of action for so long that no one wants me. School times and my partner's work schedule are not helpful. I don't like being in a car. I'm getting help for my fear, but for now I walk and he drives if we need it.

I think marriage is the best way to show commitment and love. My partner wants all of these things. I'm not sure. I don't know where I'm going from here.

Thank you to Australia.

I apologize that you are confused about how to move forward in your relationship.

You see marriage as an extension of your love for your partner. It feels like a condition now that he's putting conditions on the relationship.

It doesn't mean that you should bend to his demands or that you should get married to him.

Susan Winter told me that it's a bad idea to get into a relationship where there are conditions.

Winter said that if you're getting into a relationship where you're being dictated to do certain things that aren't you, or you don't actually believe it's necessary, then you have to wonder what else it will indicate in the relationship over time. The demands can cause resentment.

Take your partner's conditions as a sign that it's time to evaluate your personal values and needs and consider marriage as the next step in your relationship.

Understand your values and dreams, and share them with your partner

Winter says that partners should share their values with each other.

They can decide if it's something that will work for them long-term by understanding their compatibility.

Winter said to meet with a therapist if you can. You can discuss your values, like marriage and how you want to raise your daughter, as well as your personal goals, like traveling to a place you've always wanted to go.

This self-discovery period will help you figure out where you can compromise in your relationship and where you can't.

It could be that you want to get over your fear of driving because of the independence it could give you. Maybe you don't see the point in driving and don't think it's worth it to overcome your fear when you can walk.

Winter said it was important for it to come from yourself, not your partner.

A shared child could complicate your decision

I'm sure this has weighed on you, but you should also think about how your child influences your decision.

Winter says you may have to compromise with your partner in certain areas.

Asking yourself how you would handle certain child-related outcomes can give you clarity.

Being married after you meet your husband's conditions is one of the scenarios Winter suggested you imagine. Think of how they'd affect your daughter's life and how it would affect you.

You won't know what to do when the sun goes down. Marriage is a commitment like you say. The life you want to build within it deserves the same level of attention.

Remember the conditions-free commitment you seek is out there when you consider all of the options.

Julia Naftulin is Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter and she is here to answer all your questions. Julia consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions.

Do you have a question? Questions will be published without being reported.

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