Diana Cannon-Ragsdale has been married four times.
She said that the first time she got married was in the Mormon temple.
Her story was told to Heather Marcoux.
The as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Diana Cannon- Ragsdale. It has been edited to make it clearer.
If you're a woman and you live in Utah, it's not easy to get divorced three times by 51. You can make it through it. I wrote about it in my book.
I was born in Salt Lake City into a family with a rich Mormon heritage. My parents were at a party where they drank, smoked, and swapped sexual partners.
My mother left my father for someone else. We were told that she had a nervous breakdown. She went all of a sudden.
I knew the woman my father chose for his second marriage. My aunt went to be my stepmother. We returned to church as a family.
I need to leave that house. I got married to a man I didn't like.
The first marriage I ever had was too early. When we got engaged, I was just trying to escape a home life that had been hard on me.
After six years of marriage, we had three children together. It was more of an exit strategy than a marriage.
I had a second marriage. I was a single mother with three kids who was going back to college and this man was the one who made me feel stable and secure. When I was 34 years old, I was haunted by my childhood trauma.
I will never forget that night. I wouldn't have allowed anyone else to do what my father did when he was at my house. I was not able to set boundaries with my father. My father told me that I wasn't his child after he missed the ashtray.
My husband was unable to support me through the emotional aftermath of that. He didn't know what to do because I was a wreck. My second marriage ended with infidelity.
I remarried after a couple of years because I love having a partner. I was in love again, but it wasn't always the same. I didn't feel like I could be completely honest with him about the extent of my trauma. I was worried he wouldn't take it. It could have been a red flag, I missed it. He wasn't telling me the whole truth. He was cheating on me.
I was entering my 50s alone. I was filled with guilt and shame as a result of it. I don't need to carry either of those anymore. It was necessary for me to forgive myself and everyone who had betrayed me. I had to be kind to myself.
I found love again when I did that.
I'm married for the fourth time to a man I adore. Early on in our relationship, I told him everything I knew. I put all my cards on the table and asked him if he wanted to continue dating me. He was able to eventually wed me.
We are making a new family history by sharing a life and a family.
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