There were warnings about the formula shortage after the mask mandate was lifted. My family was thrilled that life seemed to be going back to normal, that my eight-month-old daughter could finally see people's faces in public, and that I could comfort her at the grocery store with a smile. Our hopes were shortlived.
I assumed that we wouldn't be affected because the brand we used for our daughter wasn't included in the original formula recall. I didn't need another thing to worry about because I was already worried about keeping my baby safe. I was expecting the government to step in before families had to leave their homes. We were optimistic that help would arrive soon, even though we saw large empty spaces on shelves. The shelves only grew bigger.
Stores were limiting the amount of formula customers could buy. I was getting texts from friends saying that they had to leave town to find a box of formula. Most of the stores I went to in March were empty by the time I got there. The online mom groups were filled with women wondering if they could start breastfeeding. raw cow's milk, Karo corn syrup, even tea were included in homemade formula recipes. The doctor warned me against these alternatives but nothing was said to address the parents' desperation.
My anxiety over meeting my daughter's basic needs grew so much that I felt guilty about starting with formula. It didn't help that so many people online thought breastfeeding was an easy solution to the crisis I wonder if I should have given my mental health more of a priority.
Normally a box of formula lasts us about a week, but we were only able to find one a week. I was starting to have panic attacks because the next box would not be found and we would have to use an ad hoc recipe online. My medication was increased by my doctor.
My mother-in-law agreed to look for formula as she drove from Nebraska to see us. On a 1,200 mile road trip, some formula could be found. We were incorrect. There wasn't a single one. Several boxes of expired formula were given to us by someone at our church. We didn't have any other options after reading that the vitamins in formula can degrade over time and thatbacteria can grow in formula past its due date. I was desperate for someone to assure me that I was making the right choices and taking appropriate risks to keep my daughter alive, even though I was just a first-time mom.
There is a chance that formula that your child has never eaten will not work out. The expired formula made my daughter sad. You can get your hands on any brand of formula you want. My daughter has a sensitive stomach and several types of formula contributed to her becoming sick as a baby.
I built a network of mothers who were interested in my formula. We were able to make it week by week. Women used to drop off at my gym. My news feed was filled with articles showing how little our politicians care about keeping women and children safe. We didn't have anything on the shelves of our cupboard.
We had put off taking whole milk because of the risks, but my husband called our doctor to see if we could take it. Introducing cow's milk too early can lead to bleeding in the gut. We were told by our doctor to mix half of the formula with milk. Everything we were doing felt like a grand science experiment to keep our daughter fed. When our own government waited months to take action on the shortage, forcing us to fight in order to meet our most basic needs, it was hard for me to trust anyone.
Our daughter was able to drink the milk. We still can't find what we need. A friend in Boston sent me three boxes that she found 30 minutes away. My community is the only thing that keeps me from giving up on my daughter. It is a luxury to have a support system that we can rely on.
The crisis for my family will hopefully be over in July when my daughter stops formula. Many others will still be trapped in hopelessness even though this doesn't bring much relief.
Anna Gazmarian's memoir about mental health, southern culture, and evangelicalism will be published in October.
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