Why would you post these photos on the internet? The people will think it's weird.
While this might sound like a parent chastising their child who got a hold of their iPad, this was a line my dad said to me, a queer person in their late 20s, while he was driving me to the airport.
I had grown accustomed to these types of interrogations on my visits home, and just before I left and was trapped in the car for 45 minutes, it was the best time for my parents to question where my life was headed. My dad was against me performing in drag clubs as Mary Lou Pearl.
My dad's reaction when I first came out as gay was very different. A physician from central Mississippi who has never lived outside the South except for a brief stint in Oklahoma for his medical residency had sexual orientation as part of his genetics. He told me that he would support me even though the road ahead would be difficult and my mom would struggle because of her religious beliefs. He warned me not to be one of those gays, and HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax HairMax
You can guess how this ended. The photo of me and my partner doing drag in the San Francisco Pride parade sparked the heated conversation we were having in the car.
The author is with their dad. Both of them are wearing a bow tie. The photo is courtesy of the person.
My dad's understanding of gender-non conforming behavior and queer gender identity was limited even though he had a supportive stance. He was fearful and critical of it.
My dad was raised in a conservative community where there were no openly gay people. The word queerness was used to mean evil and the devil. If someone were to find themselves a victim of same-sex attraction, they would better pray for God to save them.
When I called my parents last year to let them know that I had gotten a vaccine and was coming home to visit them, I was shocked to hear that my dad wanted me to wear drag. He was given a name.
Wait a second. What are you talking about?
This was a huge departure from our previous discussions. It was clear that my dad was uncomfortable, and I suspected he had done it to appease my mom, who had done a lot to get him there. When I asked him what he thought after the show, he simply replied, "Well, you either evolve, or you die." He went to his car and returned to his hotel room.
We had moved past his condemnation of me doing drag, but rather than a peace agreement, it felt like a ceasefire arrangement.
He said he would let it go because he loved you and knew you were a good person.
We didn't say anything else. When I suggested my parents come to San Francisco to watch me perform in a drag competition, my mom booked her flight and explained why my dad wouldn't be able to join.
The author and their parents attended a drag show. The photo is courtesy of the person.
I was very nervous going home to put my dad in drag. I asked him what made him want to get his makeup done. He joked that he would run out of things on his bucket list and wanted to know what he would have looked like as a saloon girl. There must be more to his request.
I realized that my dad didn't understand what drag or expression of gender nonconformity was about when I asked him about it. He didn't have a lot of exposure to drag, trans and queer culture. It became clear that his earlier comments about me not being that type of gay was due to a fear of the unknown and a desire to protect his child from the hardship and ridicule. When he started practicing medicine, he and my mom watched as many of the queer people around them were affected by the AIDS epidemic.
He normalized me doing drag in his own mind when he didn't express it to me. He thought it was the same thing as me doing theater in high school. Seeing me perform in San Francisco, while uncomfortable, had illustrated to him the love and support that my community had for me and this area of my life, and it brought to light the fun, playful nature of drag that so many people are drawn to.
On Easter Sunday, as I put him into makeup in my childhood bedroom, I watched as he experienced the joy for himself. He tried on different accents to fit in with his drag character. My great aunt was known for gambling and eating jawbreakers, so I gave her the name "Merle", which he chose as his name. He said the makeup made him feel like he was in the opera and he started singing from the opera. He felt the fantasy in the drag world.
The author and Bobby are in the same room as a child. The photo is courtesy of the person.
When dad looked in the mirror to see himself, he was excited. He exclaimed, "Oh, my word, she is a Southern beauty!" My gawd. He turned to my mom and said, "Hello, doll!"
His hometown of Columbus, Mississippi was where I grew up and it felt as if he was talking to some of my family. He drew from the larger-than-life women that he grew up with.
As he went through this transformation, I had mixed feelings. I was happy that he was having a good time, but where had the excitement been before? Why did I have to deal with so many derogatory comments andagonizing questions when we ended up here? Why did his attitude change so fast?
I asked my dad why he wanted me to put him in makeup as we sat at the table. As time went on, he realized how much drag meant to him. He wanted to try and meet me halfway, even though he knew it was beyond his comfort zone.
That's right, the tears.
The author and their dad are in Douglasville, Georgia. The photo is courtesy of the person.
We talk a lot about wanting to be accepted by our family and community. Acceptance is defined as allowing the existence, occurrence, or practice of something that one does not agree with without interference. The act of receiving someone and admitting them into your group is called acceptance. Accepting says, "I'd love for you to sit with us, you're welcome here."
The concept of embracing is defined as holding someone in your arms or accepting or supporting willingly and enthusiastically. When my dad asked me to put him into drag, he was taking that extra step into embracing me and showing his love and support for me. His level of comfort around drag is just a short time before.
We are often expected to explain and defend ourselves. The effort and emotional labor can lead to change, but it can be taxing and overwhelming. It makes bigger change possible when allies choose to go on this journey of growth and self actualization with us. I am so thankful that my dad made that decision.
Best of all? There is a new drag sister in my life.
In San Francisco, Mitchell is a drag performer and activist. They created their drag persona, Mary Lou Pearl, because of their Southern upbringing. The AIDS/LifeCycle, Brave Trails LGBTQ+ Summer Camp, and Showing Up for Racial Justice are just a few of the causes thatBlake supports. As a non-binary and genderqueer, he uses they/them pronouns.
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The article was first published on HuffPost.
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