Being completely yourself is blissful freedom.
Ben Pechey wrote The Book of Non-Binary Joy, a book that celebrates the power of self-expression and self-love for non-binary people.
In an era when transphobia dominates our timelines and mainstream media outlets fuel dehumanising conversations about trans and non-binary people, finding joy outside the gender binaries is something that gets very little airtime.
Pechey, who is a social media creator, LGBTQ advocate, and all round source of joy, has written a book that aims to help non-binary people to be themselves outside of the confines of other people's judgement.
Books written about trans and non-binary people don't speak to the community they're written about. This book gives tangible advice on expressing yourself and taking the first steps outside of the binary to non-binary people who are on their own journey of individuation.
The book looks at finding liberation and happiness in who you are. You can read an extract of the book below.
One of the first things I did to distance myself from gender was to wear earrings. It is a small thing, but at the time it felt very new to me. I bought a pair of U-shaped silver hoops that dropped 3 cm from my ears. I still have them, and they are something I would choose for a dressed-down look, but at the time they felt so feminine to me. It felt so huge to have the thought to try something different, but to send electricity through my body, because of the boldness of my choice. I would use that positive experience to justify other perceived risks in the future. The hoops were the first shaky step in my journey to visually express myself. This is a reminder to give yourself permission. It will all work out.
I have always been a picky eater. When I was younger, my mother would always ask me to try things I didn't like, but she never forced me to eat them. It meant that I would end up liking what she had put so much effort into, but also that I didn't miss out on the beauty of shepherd's pie. Negotiation is something that I apply to other questions that arise in my head, usually pertaining to my visual identity. I never knew what it would be like to wear heels until I tried. I would never have tried heels if I hadn't tried the hoops. I can't imagine a life without them, because I feel so at home in 6-inch platforms.
Thanks for all the love and effort, Mom, you taught me a good life lesson. All of us should try things. We will find the things that we love, and you were right about shepherd's pie.
Throughout the book, I have attributed many of the responses to others around you. This is something we all do to ourselves. Self-doubt! It is normal. It's expected when you're trying something for the first time. You should know about inscrutable thoughts. These are thoughts that can cause distress. There is a very mild form of doubt. It is something you should watch out for, because over time, doubt can alter the relationship you have with yourself.
Our inner saboteur was dealt with in a similar way to doubt. Acknowledge it, and then use the positiveAffirmation of how wonderful certain actions can make you feel to honour a different approach. This can be seen as a way of reasoning with yourself. Remember how good you felt when you did something? You can apply that to the next thing you want to try. The more risks you take, the easier it will be to overcome doubts. It will try to derail your progress by turning up less frequently.
It makes sense that we need to find our own spaces eventually, because not every avenue in life may work out for us. I know that I have to do all those things to figure out what works for me. Even if they don't work, I still want to do those things. It will guide me at the end of the day. There is room for avenues to change because we may not stick with one.
I saw dance as a way to express my identity. I realized that fashion can do that as well, so dressing up helps me as well. Filmmaking is helping me as well. We are not one definitive thing because there are so many different things to do. All people are constantly evolving. When people say to me that I am living my most authentic self, I always think that the person who I am interacting with won't be the same.
The person who I will be tomorrow is not the same person that I am today. Making peace with that is helpful for me because I don't have to stick to one form of self-expression. Being non-binary allows you to be in the moment, and feel what is right for you, even if you don't agree with it.
Blocks out the opinions of the naysayers is one way to decrease the power of doubt. In the book, I talked about not soliciting opinions from other people. I would like to expand on this. We all have opinions, and they show the variation of the human experience, which is wonderful. Some people confuse their own opinion with the only way someone can be. It can derail your progress. The types of people who think like that are the ones who give their opinions for free. We can make sure that we aren't subjected to their toxic thoughts when we don't need them. It is nice to INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals INRDeals I would either not engage in conversation or change the subject in this situation.
I used to work as a nail technician, and keeping a conversation going with clients is important to making them like you and tip, but this can be difficult. I spent a lot of time talking about rain, and the weather was always a comfortable topic to discuss. If you are trying a new look, and someone tries to crash into your great day with a bunch of self-righteous opinions, just ensure you mention just how bad the weather has been, and stop that negative conversation before it even starts.
If you know any non-binary angels, or follow them on social media, you will witness other people's transformation, or you will come in on their sixth year. I want you to not feel pressure to look good. We are on different paths. You are not a single human being. It's just for you. There is not a lot of time to do anything. I want you to know that you can either take all the time in the word or go as quickly as you please. You should not make that decision based on anyone else.
I am not sure who Ben is. I am happy with who I am, but there is no finished destination for me. The goal has always been for me to be free of ideals. I don't have any expectations or strict ideas of my trajectory, more that I want to honor what brings me joy and seek out happiness by expressing who I am in the moment. I urge you to pay attention to this. It's important in being self- aware. Make sure you are at your own pace. One day at a time, take your self-development in the best way that makes you happy.
We are all on separate paths. Although these paths can converge, you are a separate human being. Your timeline is just for you. There is no rush to do anything.
If you asked me to make a list of things that sound like an insult, but are supposed to be a compliment, I would make it number one. The other person in the interaction feels like they are being nice. This is not a compliment, Cheryl! When hapless cases like Cheryl say that to you, it shows that the way you present is very extreme to them. It's just another Wednesday afternoon for you. This is an example of how our community is treated. When they catch you off guard, they can derail you.
I can give you a thought process to remedy the situation that Cheryl has put us in, but I can't stop this happening. It isn't bravery that Cheryl is seeing. She has never been able to identify who she is visually. Cheryl's approach to life seems less exciting because you are not brave. To cover her cowardice, she needs your experience. When people compliment us in this way, they enhance their own performance. You can take the comment in your stride, and then turn it on its head. Cheryl told us that she is bland and sad.
My mind can't be changed by that fact. I don't know why makeup has become a person-only item. Everyone is able to enjoy makeup. They want to make their face look the best it can be, and play with colors and texture. The day I started to explore makeup was a great one. I started with eyebrows at a press event. Over the next 18 months, I began to explore different parts of my face and where make worked for me, what I could change and where I could enhance. I would like to give you some tips on how to get into makeup.
Before you know it, your winged liner will be sharp enough to cut through the crap we face in society!
My first attempts at winged liner were not documented. Key looked like plans for a roller coaster. The worst will be the first time. Continue on that! Your winged liner will be sharp enough to cut through the stuff we face in society.
No one can do everything at once.
As you try things, you will learn. The best way to learn is to watch other people apply makeup. The Dutch trans icon is calledNikkie de Jager. Over the years, I have learned a lot fromNikkieTutorials.
When you are new at makeup, you should start with budget brands and build up to expensive items when you are more experienced. Once you have mastered certain skills, invest in good products to help you hone that skill, and I spend good money on my cult items. The key gives the biggest boost.
The best way to approach it is trial and error. Not everything will work. There will be some happy accidents. You will only find out through experimentation, darling!
You are still wearing makeup and doing the same things. This isn't about changing who you are, but honing how you present to the world. To own the day, use that energy.
The book is available through Hachette.
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