Aging alone? You might need to learn to let go of some old traditions.

I saw the revival of "Fiddler on the Roof" during the holiday season. Tevye sangTradition to express his personal angst that threatened his comfort and place in the world. The more overwhelmed he felt, the more he was able to express his desire to hold onto his family and religious traditions.

It was interesting to sit in the theater that night as a solo ager, an older adult who has no children or children who are reliable. The challenges of senior living are different for people like me.

The idea of Tevye'sTradition was subtle and profound. Returning order and predictability into a person's world comes from reestablishing historical and family customs, which strengthen existing bonds with each other. Those of us who live in more solitary ways have fewer traditions to anchor us.

A wave of sadness washed over me when I realized this truth. How do we keep our balance? I can tell you in one word. Everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do because of our traditions.

I have options. My ways of moving through the world allow for multiple choices, rather than historical expectations, because I live as a child-free widower. The way it has always been done without precedents was an unfortunate loss.

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The presence of loss creates opportunity

Our inner lives are affected by the presence of loss. The loss of holiday and social customs can be seen as an opportunity for newness.

Since unpleasant realities can and do intervene, cultural traditions are not guaranteed paths to stability, but they do help us weather storms of change in predictable and familiar ways.

So, what are the solo agers doing?

According to social science research, many of us freeze in our decision-making capacity when faced with an overwhelming number of options and choices.

As I sat in a dark theater in a new city on a holiday, I realized that I had made a mistake. Old friends were worried about me. They said that you are just like the family. I appreciated the care they took, as I knew these invitations did not fit.

I thought of the customs that wouldn't work for me immediately. I like southern cornbread dressing, not oyster stuffing. How in the world would I participate in a gift exchange with people I don't know? I went on an adventure.

It is not easy to find valid and reliable options in the absence of tradition. Increasing the number of options and choices may lead to adverse circumstances, including decreasing motivation to choose and lowered satisfaction with the selected option once enacted, according to further research on decision-making.

Road maps can help a solo ager categorize and proceed with reasonable expectations.

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Be open to new experiences, but think carefully first

1. Clarify the decision for exercising a new option. Ask yourself, “Why is it important that I choose something new? What will satisfy me?”
2. Then, explore alternatives. I knew before my “Fiddler on the Roof” theater trip that I needed busyness, multiple activities, restaurant choices, and easy airport access if I was going to travel alone. A trip to a remote island in the South Pacific was not a good option. I factored in COVID regulations, safety decisions, and ensured that I could comply with the CDC pandemic mitigation recommendations. I know this about myself: I will play by the rules as long as I know what they are.
3. Collect sufficient data and information to make a thoughtful decision about the options under consideration. As a solo ager, the best choices are those without unpleasant surprises.
4. Select the best option that fits time and place. Trust the decision and know that it will be filled with mixed emotions, memories and energies. Enact the chosen plan with as much confidence as you can muster.
5. Whatever the option, expect to make new friends. Take a path based on the belief that the world is a friendly place. Go on the journey knowing that you are never too old to learn from the experience of others, most of whom will be open to sharing their world.
6. Take pictures. Keep a journal. Regardless of the option chosen, realize that freshness will blur over time and you will need data to evaluate and remember the experience.

The viable alternative for solo agers without traditional connections is to realize and act. Options and choice are important when history and tradition are not present.

I went searching for the perfect place to live in retirement and got lost along the way.

The idea of option does not completely satisfy the loneliness that arises in the lack of tradition, but it does allow an individual to feel more in charge of their experience.

Jackson is a clinical psychologist with CHRIS 180 Counseling Center in Atlanta. He can be reached at jacksonprainer@gmail.com.

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