How I Learned Confidence From Online Posers

Morton helped me realize that other online daters might be less arrogant than they seem. It would have been better if I'd been more compassionate.

I continued my research after moving away from Quora. The paper was written by psychology professor Jessica Tracy and her graduate student Eric Mercadante. They identified two aspects of pride: authentic pride, which is associated with achievement, high self-esteem, and prosocial personality trait, and hubristic pride, which is associated with arrogance, low self-esteem, and antisocial personality trait. I thought that was academic speak for confidence and arrogance. Findings suggest that a willingness to lie to get ahead, but only in situations where one's status has been threatened, is a result of arrogance. I wondered. I wondered if I had threatened their status.

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist and chief science advisor to Match.com. The desire for connection can lead to people misrepresenting themselves.

Daters who exaggerate their abilities are just trying to be selected. She says that courting is about winning. People who show off just want to win. Daters are compared to other animals. The tail feathers impress, even though they are handicaps. She admits that there are some fools, but the majority just want to be loved.

Fisher connected me with Amy Canaday. Fisher thought that people wanted to impress and would stretch the truth to do it. She suggests that people want to win you over regardless of whether they think you are a good fit for each other.

She said that I might have been matched with many people that didn't look like my partner. She explained that the Match dating algorithm uses a watch and learn method. The site matches a person with more of the choices they make. Canaday says that men who select women they rate as a '10' will get more profiles like that. If I lacked confidence I would get more 5s. About 75% of people on the platform don't know what they want, so that's important to consider. If it weren't for Match, many people say they wouldn't have met, dated, or considered a person. Canaday says to be confident in what you want.

I decided to act as confident as I could after my rough start. I contacted the person who seemed out of my league. He was attractive and smart when we met. He apologized and said that he should be leaving. He was dating someone else and wanted to know where that relationship was going.

Did you meet me today? I wanted to know.

I wanted to know if you were real. You are, right? You are as beautiful as you seem.

He was at an event several years later. He smiled and said, "Just as beautiful!" I am still looking to meet my match with the help of my research and experience.